This Made A Sex Tape With Hulk Hogan While He Thought About Buying A New Canopy Bed

October 5th, 2012 // 54 Comments
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If you haven’t heard by now, Gawker was sent the Hulk Hogan sex tape he can’t remember making because he was too busy plowing the world after his divorce, and they provide a lengthy play-by-play that will teach you more about the Hulk-a-mania than you ever possibly wanted to know and will wake you up at night crying that you wish you didn’t. So on that note, here are some highlights to haunt you the next time you find your old wrestling figures in your mom’s basement. “Don’t wrestle him, Junkyard Dog. He’ll only look at the curtains.”

Hulk has some pretty cool and/or fucked up friends with equally cool and/or fucked up wives:
It opens with Hulk Hogan performing oral sex on the woman as she lays on the bed. Then another man’s voice can be heard from inside the room off-camera and both Hulk and the naked woman engage in idle chit-chat with the mystery man. Because the woman closely resembles Mrs. Clem, some have suggested that the voice of the mystery man is, in fact, Bubba the Love Sponge. If this is true, Bubba has no problem sharing his wife with his best friend.
“You guys do your thing,” this man says. “I’ll be in the office if you need me.”

Hulk will apparently take calls from his kids mid-fellatio:
Her fellatio is successful and Hulkamania is about to run wild on her but then his cell phone rings. He checks it because he thinks it might be his son, Nick. The ringtone on Hulk Hogan’s phone is a song by his daughter, Brooke Hogan, called “About Us” featuring Paul Wall. He is a proud father.
But Hulk checks the caller and does not want to talk that person at all. “Fuck no,” he says.

Probably because they don’t really do much for him. They being blowjobs, not his kids. Jesus, dude:
It is a slow, dutiful blowjob and Hulk is thrusting himself into her mouth to speed up the process. This goes on for a few minutes and at one point Hulk examines the canopy bed curtains in a way that suggests he’d like to purchase this particular style for his own canopy bed some day. She takes a break.

Hulk’s penis is impervious to steroid use:
Then we watch Hulk stand up and clumsily attempt to roll a condom on to his erect penis which, even if it has been ravaged by steroids and middle-age, still appears to be the size of a thermos you’d find in a child’s lunchbox.

He’s an old romantic:
“Be cool,” he says to the woman on his way out the door. They thank each other for the sex. “You’re awesome,” Hulk says on his way out the door. “So are you,” she says back in a very sincere way. Everybody’s awesome. Hulk asks her if he should close the door on the way out. “No, leave it open,” she says. “Thank you.” Off he went.

“Be totally awesome, brother,” he said to me, his golden mustache still slightly crusted from our love-making when he shared with me his most intimate desires to maybe get some new throw pillows. “Stay in school,” he added re-igniting the passion we had just felt moments before. “Uh, say no to drugs,” he also added before awkwardly whistling towards the door. And so went, A Real American…

superficial

  1. Fuggaduggabuck!

    Oh Hulk, you so klassy!

  2. Baron Wilhelm Otto

    So he swings both ways

  3. “Whatcha gonna do, when Hulkamania goes down on you?”

    “Stay in school, take your vitamins and eat your friends wife’s pussy.”

    Nostalgia pussy sounds fun.

  4. Mateo

    Wait a damn second……the Hulk is bald on top???!!!! WTH man?????? Next thing you know we’ll find out Bret Michaels is also bald!!!!!

  5. Colin

    *fap fap fap fap* Wait, where’s the video?

  6. Of course it did. That is what those do.

  7. Josephus

    “This” made a sex tape with Hulk Hogan? “This?” And you wonder why women come on here and comment about how everyone here is a sexist pig.

    That terrier has a name, dammit!

  8. Seriously….Bubba’s ex Heather? Wow. o_0

    I used to listen to Bubba until he quit Sirius. I have missed a lot, I can’t picture Heather going for Hootie.

  9. Put It In

    Hulk Hogan: “You’re an old man who dresses like a Hooter’s waitress.”
    R.I.P. Greg

  10. psychoace

    Nice plagiarism from the Gawker article. http://gawker.com/5948770/even-for-a-minute-watching-hulk-hogan-have-sex-in-a-canopy-bed-is-not-safe-for-work-but-watch-it-anyway

    You are supposed to reference them if you copy there text like that..

    • psychoace

      Damnit I just searched throughout the whole article to see if you referenced gawker and couldn’t find it and now that I made my last post I see it in the first sentence. Crap.

      • Feel that shame? SHAAAAME.

        If it makes you feel any better I spent the last 10 minutes trying to paste a picture of a thermos with Woody from Toy Story on it. And failed.

      • psychoace

        I don’t feel shame anymore after watching Hulk Hogan Video and seeing Kim Kardashian’s constant effort to whore herself into oblivion.

      • Frunken, was it supposed to be something along these lines?

        [img]http://www.thesuperficial.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/05/hulk-thermos-340_255.jpg[/img]

      • I’ll never be able to look at my daughter’s thermos the same way again.

    • Reading opening paragraphs and mousing over links are for nerds. You don’t want to be a nerd, do you?

    • Hey, you’re supposed to know the difference between “their” and “there”, so imagine how disappointed we are about that.

      That said, you might wanna reread the bit where it “they [Gawker] provide a lengthy play-by-play”. Because, aside from footnotes, that’s exactly what a reference looks like.

  11. ousted

    5 bucks says nobody noticed the dog

  12. Maybe he was checking to see whether or not the carpet matched the drapes.

    • Burak

      Awesome show once again.I have to say I’m not a big fan of Photoshop effects in cmcios too, but despite that I really like the art style in JLA.And Mud Man really sounds like fun. I might check it out, image cmcios haven’t disappointed me yet.

  13. Turd Ferguson

    It’s Classy Lady Day, on the Superficial.

  14. Cock Dr

    This is not a person I wish to see having sex.
    I will decline to click the links so generously provided. Ya’ll go ahead and have some Friday fun, I prefer to keep my lunch down.

  15. Deacon Jones

    Dude, that tape, and writeup were hilarious!

    And this girl is hot as shit. I wouldve been back for seconds.

  16. zomgbie

    TEAM MAYANS FTW!!!!!

  17. Very thoughtful of Bubba to share his WIFE with his best friend Hogan. This is the same woman that demanded that the children attend Christian school go to church with them. I feel bad for Bubba and Heather’s kids, this is going to embarrass the Hell out of them. What were these three idiots thinking?

    • Crabby Old Guy

      Just because she wants to go to church and have the kids go to a Christian school doesn’t mean she can’t be a freak in the sack and enjoy a good husband’s buddy fuck. Been there and have done that action several times. Makes it all that much better actually. But, then again, I’m a sick shit.

    • anonymous

      I’m pretty sure that was Bubba giving the thumbs up to Hulk to give is wife a go at the beginning of the vid.

      Bubba’s “office” was probably the room with the monitor that camera feeds into so he can watch his buddy banging his wife.

  18. anonym

    Hulk is into bestiality ?

  19. anonym

    the dog is cuter than the girl. butterface

  20. dennis

    Never knew the Hulkster is still a fuckin’ BOSS.

    1) Hulk has his limp dick buddy offering his wife and the bedroom like she was just a beer in the fridge.

    2) He actually stops her weakass blowjob to look at the bed and check his phone for messages from his son.

    3) After busting his nut, he looks like he runs to the bathroom to take a shit.

    4) Talks about possibly banging his son’s gf’s twin as his next conquest.

    5) Goes to find his buddy with his wife’s stink still on his dick to probably have that beer.

    Hell, if his buddy’s kid’s were outside washing the Hulkster’s car while all this was happening even Chuck Norris would have to give the Hulkster props.

    • dennis

      Forgot to add I think it’s being reported that his ex-wife got arrested for DUI this morning. LOL

      Fuckin’ BOSS!

      Dwight Schrute calls this “perfektenschlag.”

    • Burt

      So, basically, he’s tag teaming his buddy’s wife.

      • anonymous

        You need to look up what tag team is. Basically if I have sex with your wife and you aren’t there. That isn’t a tag team.

        It just makes you a cuckold and the cum janitor when you clean my shit up.

      • Burt

        So, you’re saying you’re one of those knuckle-draggers who takes everything literally?

  21. continu

    Thank God she doesn’t look like Brooke

  22. It appears I should have kept up the prayers, the training and the vitamins… brother.

  23. lawn

    I sure don’t blame her for wanting to be on top.

  24. El Jefe

    LMAO, the comments on here are priceless and I am half drunk. I look forward to reading more Brother.

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    Wow, awesome weblog layout! How lengthy have you been running a blog for? you made blogging look easy. The total glance of your website is wonderful, as neatly as the content material!

  26. gill

    i would hate to be his kids, or hers, so fuckin shameful haha

  27. cc

    Contrary to what one might believe. I do have some sort of standards in terms of conduct. This woman is in great shape (albeit enhanced in some areas). However, looking at her ex-husband, and contemplating the scenario under which this video was shot, all I can say is she is disgusting. Blech!

  28. I believe this shows that Hulk isn’t as stupid as some of us suspected. Given a choice between this woman and Brooke, I’d choose this one as well.

  29. nWo

    Hulkamania cummin´ wild!! BROTHER!!

  30. The Royal Penis

    Why are men always called the “shallow” ones?

    Jesus, I wonder if slut would do the chihuahua from Taco Bell if the circumstances were right.

  31. Walkaway_Joe

    Isn’t it obvious that this was a professional transaction?

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