Hugh Hefner: Low on sperm, but not on love

October 9th, 2008 // 63 Comments

Hugh Hefner confirmed that Holly Madison is no longer in the market for old man love. Things went south when it was discovered that Hugh couldn’t father a child at 82. Honestly, I don’t know who saw that coming. (Besides everyone.) E! News reports:

The Playboy mogul says the relationship started to crumble about six months ago when they learned he was unable to father a child with Holly.
“With my sperm count, it’s not possible,” Hefner explained. “I was willing but it was not possible…She’d like to be married and have children, but it’s not in the cards here for me.”

Hugh also confirmed that Kendra Wilkinson will be gone by the end of the year. But shed not a tear, my friends, the Hugh has back-ups:

In the last week, he’s been spotted with 19-year-old twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon. “They very much want to be girlfriends and now under the present circumstance, they probably will become my girlfriends,” Hefner says.
And they’re not all he has to look forward to.
A college senior from Georgia whom Hefner identifies as Amy Leigh Andrews is also waiting in the wings. “She was testing here this past weekend,” Hef says of the centerfold wannabe, “and she said she’d like to be a girlfriend, too.”
The 82-year-old Hefner laughed, “I’m dancing as fast as I can.”

I can’t help but wonder if, deep down, Hugh wanted Holly Madison to leave. Sure, his sperm count is low, but it’s not like he couldn’t have scrounged some up to pass as his own. For God sakes, he lives in the Playboy Mansion! And, frankly, anyone’s swimmers would’ve been preferable to Criss Angel’s. I’m talking Pauly Shore, the kid who plays McLovin’ or even a blood relative of Holly’s. She’d never know the difference. (Provided the vial is wrapped in twenties.)

Photo: WENN
superficial

  1. Randal

    FRIST BITCHES!

    XOXOXO

    - Randal

  2. Deechronic

    thats just because he’s always shootin it all over the place…

  3. toolboy

    Who knew that you can’t get knocked up from dust, er, I mean Hef’s tadpoles.

  4. Ted Kennedy's tumor

    As much sex as Hef has had, I am sure he is close to empty by now anyway. His nuts probably look like raisins by now.

  5. Sickening

    This immoral pervert has been instrumental in bringing what used to be in the bedroom into America’s living rooms. Our nation has been siezed by a culture that is not our own and the average character is sadly too dumb to be aware of the FACT.

    time to take down our flag and put up the Victor’s

    (anyone care to guess what flag that is?)

  6. Run n Gun

    HAHAHAHA

    “She was testing here this weekend”

    Classic line. He treats these 20 yr old sluts like dogs, not even, like pieces of meat. And they just keep lining up, way to go feminism.

    He’s my idol.

  7. literarycritic

    @#5: Stick it up your ass, ya prude.

  8. havoc

    Hef’s still the man. Time to update the bimbos anyway.

    Talk all the shit you want. This guys gotten more ass than a toilet seat….

    .

  9. Crabby

    Gross geezer sex! With PLA stock < $3, no wonder she wants out before the dude becomes a Wal Mart greeter.

  10. morga

    #5, get a life, you repressed Puritan

    anyway, it IS a bit frightening that he’s 80+ and going after girls that can’t legally drink…..

  11. Richard Prickey

    I wonder if tossing Hef’s salad with ranch dressing is part of the test.

  12. liberal piece of shit

    I bet Barack Obama’s daddy could have impregnated her, but he would have abandoned the bastard mulatto child

  13. #5…I give! What flag? (I know I will regret this)

  14. hef jr

    Some fucking cunts just don’t want to get a job. But sucking wrinkled penis for room and board? SLUT WHORES!

  15. These, bitches must have a high tolerant for ben gay…

  16. supersex

    hef is my idol and after 80+ years he has to right to treat these young bitches like meat. good looks will go away but being a dumb ass last forever.

  17. OJ'S Mom

    You keep hitting that young shit, Hef. The real estate market is in the toilet, the economy is the shits, and the whole world is a mess. But the one thing that gets me out of bed every morning is the knowledge that an 82 Year-old guy like you is out there pounding the shit out of some brainless bimbo like Kendra.

    Make us all proud. Pop another Viagra and slip your mangled old cock in to another confused girl that just got off the bus from Nebraska.

    You and your dick are icons of this great country. So get out there and start pounding away!

    HEF – Good for you, and Good for America.

  18. phil

    For every super hot girl there’s a guy who’s bored of fucking her and putting up with her bullshit…

  19. Caligula

    Haah! Suck it, Hugh.

    With your empire crumbling, you’re going to be giving handjobs for coins behind the Santa Monica promenade by year’s end.

  20. English Bob

    There’s alot of people on here slagging off the ‘Heff’, what’s wrong with you ? You’re either Jealous, A Woman, or just plain stupid..!! Heff gives all us guys hope that we’ll still be banging hot chicks into our twilight years, and all you girls hope that you can bag an ageing millionaire playboy (THE ORIGINAL PLAYBOY..i might add..) So please take your hats (..or pants) off and salute the Heff for the god that he is.
    Thankyou.

  21. Sven Oljaski

    Hey, just get a Mexican or latina girl… they can generate babies on very low sperm counts.. even a vasectomy… as in my case… son of a…

  22. Danklin24

    Umm isnt that Holly,and NOT Karissa Shannon, in that picture? It looks exactly like her.

  23. Danklin24

    Umm isnt that Holly Madison in the picture and not Karissa Shannon?

  24. pat

    #24 Danklin
    The girl on The Superficial’s picture is Holly.

    But this page is quoting E! News, and the picture on the E! News page is of the twins. Click on the the “E! News” link in that sentence.

  25. TamIAm

    There are two accounts of this story. In one, Hef says he had sperm count issues and in another he’s quoted as saying he didn’t want to get married or have more kids (People’s account).

    He speaks as though his girlfriends are perspective employees. Holly left her position, so now he has to hire more. The fact that he calls these high-priced call girls “girlfriends” is insulting to those who are actually involved in real, committed relationships. At least simply calling them arm candy or trophies would be honest…

  26. Rev. Ike

    “SINNERS!!!! All of you are just plain immoral SINNERS!!!! ”

    “You, along with all the other idolators will perish in a lake of fire where there will be weeping and knashing of teeth! Repent NOW before the day of Judgement arrives! For those who seek salvation with the Lord shall indeed be saved, and those who remain lost will truly per…oh my Lawd that girl with Hef be lookin’ fine! Can I get an Amen????”

  27. nastyjay

    Talk about livin the dream baybee!

  28. eighty-two?… wow… just wow

  29. WTF

    #18 You are a sick bastard for waking up every morning thinking about an 82 year old man having sex. I doubt that his old rickety body could pound anything except a tube of Bengay

  30. shriveled old penis

    I wonder if he ever lost his dentures in their vagina while eating them out.

  31. @30 WTF is wrong with an 82 year old man spanking some 19 year old slut from Nebraska. You must be some pathetic loser that can’t get the time of day from the opposite sex. What ever that is for you. Should we just call you Pat?

  32. the troof

    #21 If he didn’t have money, he wouldn’t get any pussy. He is no god or legend. He’s just a rich old man who likes to show off the whores that he buys. Instead of buying their services for an hour, he buys their services for a year or two. Any rich old man can do what he does. If I am lucky enough to be a rich some day, I would do the same thing. That won’t make me a god or legend.

  33. Eva

    RANDAL?!? Shame on you for using the word ‘bitches!’

    You’re the one that always writes words of encouragement to the ‘celebs’ we bash. Come on now!

  34. friendlyfires

    The problem dear children is not that Hugh’s sperm count is low, no, it’s HIS BAN ACCOUNT IS LOW!
    YEs, fwendz, Hugh Hefner is losing money faster than white faced Jacko with a Platinum Amex card in FAO Schwarz. LOok, Jacko, children ! BOY CHILDREN! I’ll ring the dinnerbell …

  35. WTF

    #32 Watching an 82 year old man having sex gives you a hard-on, but grosses me out. I don’t know what’s your obsession with Nebraska. Maybe you like to be cornholed.

  36. literarycritic

    @#36: LMAO

    Well played, sir/ma’am. Well played.

  37. Ted Mosby

    I can’t wait for Holly’s sex video to pop on local shelves.

  38. John McCain

    I envy Hugh because he can still get errections.

  39. Horacio

    How do you know he can still get erections?

  40. Al N

    Heff is gonna die hilt deep. Love that man!

  41. grif

    Amy Leigh Andrews is smoking hot way better than Holly so good job Hef !!

  42. Realist

    Those twins are hideous. All of the current girls are hotter. Even Bridget who is almost all enough to be their mother. But maybe they have hot bodies.

  43. kelly caster

    Amy Leigh Andrews has a myspace page that induces seizures: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=110511322

  44. Dr. Tomah Tuyokota

    This is just another jew living off pornography and vice.
    Soon, they will come for your daughters.

  45. PostmortemG

    “I wonder if he ever lost his dentures in their vagina while eating them out.”

    I’ve seen an old man’s dentures suddenly pop out of his mouth before. Your thought is definitely a possibility.

  46. Googolygoo

    As much as it damages my psyche to admit it, I feel kinda bad for him. He probably had a vasectomy after his WIFE had a baby and was stringing HM along, but I think he figured she’d be the one who would love him to his grave. He’ll die a lonely old man. Surround by silicone, poontang and millions of dollars.
    Wait. What was I saying, again?

  47. Disgusting

    I am not in any way a prude. However, I find it repulsive to see an ugly perverted crone using his money to fuck young women who almost certainly are disgusted by his ancient body.
    I believe that my country has lost most of it’s national character and is being lead by a people of a different character or lack therof. This is not the same place as it was decades ago.
    I am not sure if I want to see Jesus paraded around on South Park as an imbecile and no I am not a Christian either.
    Why has christmas been taken away from us? Why is it Seasons Greetings now?
    Yeah I know you fools don’t get it. It’s too late now anyway and just doesn’t matter so I hope Hef gets a nice chick who just turned 18 and has her suck his gross dick. There. Am I still a prude?
    #7 Stick it up your own ass fag.

  48. Plastique

    Isn’t Heather Locklear or Denise Richards available?

  49. hannah

    @18 – you really think an 82 year old man can “pound” these girls??

    Thanks for the laugh. These girls (who actually go to the gym) would probably be stronger and definitely ALOT fitter than Hef. Trust me, he aint “pounding” them and if he is, its because the girls are humoring him.

    @ 33 – totally agree. ANY guy with millions of dollars can buy whores. Big freakin deal. Its not like Hef is seducing these girls with his animal magnetism, charm, big cock, skills in bed (all the things girls really want) he pays them to be seen with him.

    Wow, what a god.

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