Hugh Hefner is Great At Sex, According To People Paid To Say He’s Great At Sex

“I am an uncaged bowl of oatmeal! — With cinnamon!”

For those of you just tuning in, Hugh Hefner’s paid to runaway bride Crystal Harris went on Howard Stern and not only said she had sex with Hugh once, but that it lasted two seconds and he never took his clothes off. But instead of just shrugging and going, “So, what? I’m 80, and yet you still fucked me,” Hugh has set all his sexbots to Propaganda Mode and unleashed them on the media. Via People:

“I’ve heard girls say they have a lot of fun in there,” says Hiromi Oshima, a Playmate who spoke to PEOPLE during Playboy TV’s “TV for 2″ party Tuesday night at the Playboy Mansion.
… “Hef is a lover,” says Dani Mathers, who works at Playboy TV. “I think they definitely had sex more than that one time and it wasn’t two minutes. Hef definitely has a sex life.”
… “I think the whole thing with Crystal is really sad, and Hef is such an amazing man. He provides so much for everyone that’s around him and all of the Playmates,” says Shanna McLaughlin, who appeared in the magazine in July 2010. “I think some things should be kept private between two people, especially in a break-up scenario.”

I’ll be frank. I’m not even going to pretend I know who any of these chicks are, so I just added a bunch of random pics from the Kandyland gala because chances are they might be one of these scantily clad women. Or not. Which is why I should probably mention I spent four and a half years studying journalism in case I’m making this look too easy. It requires a particular set of skills. Skills that I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you not trying to look at breasts, but just read some gossip. I will look for them, I will find them and I will post them.

Photos: Splash News