Hugh Hefner is Great At Sex, According To People Paid To Say He’s Great At Sex

July 28th, 2011 // 68 Comments

“I am an uncaged bowl of oatmeal! — With cinnamon!”

For those of you just tuning in, Hugh Hefner‘s paid to runaway bride Crystal Harris went on Howard Stern and not only said she had sex with Hugh once, but that it lasted two seconds and he never took his clothes off. But instead of just shrugging and going, “So, what? I’m 80, and yet you still fucked me,” Hugh has set all his sexbots to Propaganda Mode and unleashed them on the media. Via People:

“I’ve heard girls say they have a lot of fun in there,” says Hiromi Oshima, a Playmate who spoke to PEOPLE during Playboy TV’s “TV for 2″ party Tuesday night at the Playboy Mansion.
… “Hef is a lover,” says Dani Mathers, who works at Playboy TV. “I think they definitely had sex more than that one time and it wasn’t two minutes. Hef definitely has a sex life.”
… “I think the whole thing with Crystal is really sad, and Hef is such an amazing man. He provides so much for everyone that’s around him and all of the Playmates,” says Shanna McLaughlin, who appeared in the magazine in July 2010. “I think some things should be kept private between two people, especially in a break-up scenario.”

I’ll be frank. I’m not even going to pretend I know who any of these chicks are, so I just added a bunch of random pics from the Kandyland gala because chances are they might be one of these scantily clad women. Or not. Which is why I should probably mention I spent four and a half years studying journalism in case I’m making this look too easy. It requires a particular set of skills. Skills that I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you not trying to look at breasts, but just read some gossip. I will look for them, I will find them and I will post them.

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    JANE
    Commented on this photo:

    The girl in the pink looks super classy, especially with the bruises on her leg.

  2. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    JANE
    Commented on this photo:

    weeeiiird hips, if she gained a lot of weight most of it would go to her lower body

  3. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    JANE
    Commented on this photo:

    ok seriously the one in the middle isnt so bad, but the other 2 are absolutely atrocious in every way possible!!

    • Morgan

      Have you ever seen a woman before? Most of them actually look worse than this. You must live a pretty hate-filled life if you think those girls are atrocious.

      • Jillia

        Look, I’m all for defending women just because they don’t have DD’s and a 23″ waist. But these are playboy bunnies. They’re SUPPOSED to be way above the standards of a normal woman. That’s the point. They’re SUPPOSED to be smoking hot. I’m sorry but for a playboy party they look like they came from the dollar bin.

  4. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    JANE
    Commented on this photo:

    Should i throw up now or later? that anorexic one looks like shes 57

  5. Bob

    None of those people would admit that they had sex with Hef. They all just said that they know people who have been with Hef, and that he is supposed to be fun.

    • V

      I don’t believe they have sex with Hef. It’s all a plan to keep his playboy image. Truth is, if you read his tweets and see the TV show you can tell the guy does what ever grandpas do. He’s too old for sex, and he won’t ever admit it.

      Which begs he question: why won’t this bitch shut up and go away? He gave her everything, he didn’t have to sleep with him or do anything at all but pretend to be his gf. The others used everything to their advantage and moved on. None of them has bashed Hef like this, they all seem grateful, especially Kendra, who was a cocaine-addicted stripper before Playboy.

      • PoorMaryKelly

        Nobody but Crystal has bashed Hef because at least the others have sense enough to know that just in case their life goes down the crapper, if you’re still in good with Hef, you can always go back to the mansion and live off the old man until you can find someone else to support you.

  6. Colin

    “Now tell them it gets erect and stuff.”

  7. 2 seconds is all it took for her Herpa-rrhea-midia-lys to melt his penis off.

  8. V

    I just don’t understand why Crystal is so butthurt. She got what she wanted. Move on. Her and the twins are the worst thing to ever happen to the Playboy brand. It’s like Hef didn’t even try this time. Did anyone ever see the episodes with them of Girls Next door? They made Bridget, Holly and Kendra seem like Nobel laureates (although to be fair Holly and Bridget were articulate but still).

  9. rough

    If one drop of sweat from Hef fell on one of those girls, I say mission accomplish Hef. And of course the guy is getting something, he owns the freaking joint.

  10. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Commented on this photo:

    They come in “tall” and “vente”.

  11. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Commented on this photo:

    Hef would never have sex with the girl on the left. She’s a brunette.

  12. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Commented on this photo:

    They call this move “The Wind-tunnel”.

  13. Hiromi Oshima was hot as hell in her Playboy pictorials. That is all.

  14. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Commented on this photo:

    Another round of “spot the tuck-job”.

  15. Vivian

    He didn’t even need to say anything, he’s Hugh Hefner, period. Love you Hef

  16. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    sensitive guy
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m not complaining … but how did pic #4 avoid the NSFW label? That’s just paint on that pussy … like I said … not that I’m complaining ;)

  17. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Chico
    Commented on this photo:

    What an ass on this one!! wish i knew her name so i could use the google to find other pictures of her and rub one out

  18. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Susy
    Commented on this photo:

    Don’t they look like the last 3?

  19. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Duke
    Commented on this photo:

    Names? I would definitely shell a couple hundred bucks to put my funstick in M&M’s ass.

  20. Delgo

    That pussy’s like produce.. gotta wash it before you eat it

  21. Frank Burns

    “I spent four and a half years studying journalism”. Curious to know, what did you do during the half year?

  22. Sheppy

    ‘Taken’ quote FTW!

  23. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    DM
    Commented on this photo:

    Big girl is busting out everywhere..Look at those Sasquatch feet trying to escape!

  24. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    TomFrank
    Commented on this photo:

    “Kandyland Gaga”? That can’t be right…can it?

  25. Dave

    Who is the small girl in the 2nd pic?

  26. Demon

    It’s come out a long while ago that Hugh Hefner takes viagra and watches gay porn as his whores I mean playmates mount him. He’s a pathetic old man that is still trying to be relevant.

  27. The Playboy Mansion: The only place on Earth where the candy gives you cavities AND herpes.

  28. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Soupofdefish
    Commented on this photo:

    I rarely save pics from here but this is a keeper. Always like body paint…

  29. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Soupofdefish
    Commented on this photo:

    WTF, Heff you let those two in?

  30. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Soupofdefish
    Commented on this photo:

    Chick on the right just swallowed something!

  31. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Soupofdefish
    Commented on this photo:

    Nope. Nope. YEP..

  32. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Soupofdefish
    Commented on this photo:

    Yep, Amazon, Addict…

  33. Those girls saying he’s a great lover is as surprising as the Chinese couple that owns the buffet calling me an asshole when I walk in.

  34. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Drundel
    Commented on this photo:

    I want the chick on the right.

  35. the one

    a fact: THE MAN HAS INDEED “TASTE”!!

  36. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Misana
    Commented on this photo:

    there is something poking out from under her bra… hmm

  37. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    john
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow !!! Monday nights at the mansion suck.

  38. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    D-chi
    Commented on this photo:

    Eye bleach pleases. NSFW alert!

  39. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    D-chi
    Commented on this photo:

    I would wear that blue bra. Everywhere. With other clothes, but still.

  40. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    BenDoverman
    Commented on this photo:

    I’ll take both thank you. Hopefully the herpes I get from one will fight the gonorrhea I get from the other

  41. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Commented on this photo:

    The corpse on the right looks downright repugnant. You know apocalypse is near when half-dead crackheads become sex symbols and nobody bats an eye.

  42. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    seals
    Commented on this photo:

    Even with massive bazongas, they should have turned that stomach away at the door

  43. JN

    Looks like it smells of ass and raw chicken in there.

  44. ZigZagZoey

    Well, of course they have lots of fun in the sack.
    Playing Dutch oven, Monopoly and Yahtzee….

  45. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Rofltops
    Commented on this photo:

    I guess old Hugh is into men now.

  46. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Dingleberry
    Commented on this photo:

    Does the girl in the middle look like Eva Amurri to anyone else?

    • OMG it’s totally her!!!
      And the guy in the back is Alexander Skarsgard!
      And the two other girls are Kristin Chenoweth and Blake Lively ZOMGOMGOMG!!!

  47. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Facebook Me
    Commented on this photo:

    Now here they took a photo of the chicks past their prime to even be allowed at the Mansion. The girl in the middle must’ve already knew that, hence the reason why her “outfit” came from the bargain rack at the discount store. The girl on the right is sporting a wig from the Halloween Store and the chick to the left could pass for “mary” Hef’s personal assistant.

  48. Anyone ever seen those old ’60′s “Playboy After Dark” tapes? Hefner is so squirmingly uncomfortable with even the slightest human emotional contact, no way in hell could he ever be any sort of a decent lover. The mystique of Hefner as some sort of superswingin’ cocksman because he had all the “bunnies” lined up was pitched to men rather than women, and that show pretty much put the lie to that – he came off as a geeky gulping fratboy with a pipe who was always two seconds away from yelling “Boobs! I see boobs!”
    That PR pitch probably made some women overlook a lot, but he and his brother were raised in a home where there was no hugging, no touching, no nuthin’, and I don’t think he ever evolved to being comfortable with any sort of real human connection.

    • cheese

      And thank you. That explained things marvellously. Makes me wonder what his brother is doing about his damaged childhood. Serial killer perhaps?

  49. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh, I see what Hef did there. Next pic is the three-boobed chick, right?

  50. Playboy Playmates Painted Bikini Lingerie
    V
    Commented on this photo:

    C section a la vista!!

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