How Brandi Glanville Found Out LeAnn Rimes Was Banging Eddie Cibrian

Of course Brandi Glanville has written a book, and of course, it details how she found out LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian were having an affair while filming the Lifetime movie Northern Lights in 2009. Because if there’s one thing a mother wants their children to eventually read it’s how their step-mom used to be a fat titless bitch who slut-whored their dad away. This crew’s gonna have an awesome Christmas this year. I can tell. Via RadarOnline:

The future The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star says she insisted upon meeting the Blue singer, so Eddie set up a double date at a sushi restaurant. Rimes’ then husband, Dean Sheremet, was also there.
Writes Glanville, “And this woman, whom I had just met, spent more time flirting with my husband than acknowledging her own. And Dean, bless his heart, ate his sushi, laughed at all the right moments, and pretended that he didn’t see exactly what was in front of him. As the evening progressed, every time LeAnn made some sort of inappropriate advance toward my husband – a whisper, a giggle, or a reach across the ever-shrinking table – Eddie squeezed my hand a little tighter. And as if on cue, Eddie would lean over the table, every so often, to offer me a nervous, overly tongue-y kiss to gauge my current state of mind.”
Glanville says she tried to push it out of her mind, rationalizing that LeAnn was “just a child star who had married young and was unhappy with her own marriage.”

Except it turns out that LeAnn Rimes was more than just a child star unhappy with her marriage, she was also a horrible actress who sucks at having an affair:

“When later that same night, LeAnn awkwardly pulled my husband (not hers!) onstage for an awful karaoke rendition of Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You Babe,” I just about lost it… Was she serious? I felt like I was in the twilight zone.”
She continues, “Being the devoted housewife and trusting partner, I wasn’t going to say anything to them, but I knew that kind of tenacity didn’t come from nowhere. I looked at Eddie’s smiling face on that stupid, low-rent stage and leaned over to Dean and said, ‘You know they’re fucking, right?’”

And here’s where Brandi really lost me because the next part involves LeAnn Rimes eating:

“LeAnn had ‘accidentally’ smeared some cake frosting on her top ( she was still a bigger girl and completely flat-chested at the time) and asked my husband, not realizing that I was standing behind the both of them, if he’d wanted to lick it off her. This woman asked my husband if he wanted to eat the frosting mess she’d dropped on her nonexistent chest? Are you fucking kidding me? He hadn’t realized I was there either, and he laughed with hungry eyes at the suggestion.”
Brandi says she stepped between the two of them and said, “’What the fuck do you two have going on? Do you two have something you’d like to tell me?’ LeAnn laughed through her oversized dentures before purring. ‘Oh, honey, you’re just being silly.’”

Fortunately this story has a happy ending if your idea of a happy ending is indirectly making LeAnn Rimes pay $12,000 for your vaginal rejuvenation surgery which is literally my exact idea of one to the point that I add it to children’s stories. “And so Wendy said to Peter, ‘Will I ever see you again?’ and Peter replied, “Not until LeAnn Rimes pays to get that pussy fixed!” And off he flew to Neverland, second star to the right, and straight on till morning.” (They love me down at the library.)