‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ Is Cancelled

UPDATE: It was her own daughter. The dude molested her own daughter.

After news broke yesterday that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo star Mama June Shannon is dating her ex-boyfriend Mark McDaniel a convicted child molester who forced oral sex on an 8-year-old relative of June’s, TLC has officially cancelled the show because this guy’s trying to bang the Honey Boo Boo Child. That’s clearly the sick endgame here. I wish I was joking. TMZ reports:

TLC has shot an entire new season of episodes but will not air them. Although the show has fallen off its ratings high, we’re told it’s still very profitable, so TLC is taking a financial hit.
But the network is not turning its back on the kids, telling us, “Supporting the health and welfare of these remarkable children is our only priority. TLC is faithfully committed to the children’s ongoing comfort and well-being.” Our sources say the network will pay for tutors and counselors for the kids.

As for TLC’s faithful commitment to the children while they helped and gleefully filmed an eight-year-old routinely chug Red Bull and Mountain Dew mixed together, shut up, money. But enough about that, I need to speak frankly to Sugar Bear now:

Mr. Bear of Sugar,

I shall keep this brief as you are a simple southern man who prefers to use his computer box time for the locating of romantic dalliances and the such. A fine endeavor as it were, and a surprising display of literacy where one should expect not.

I do not know much of your province and would only presume the local magistrate is a pig with a powdered wig on it – Not a reference to your former lover, I beg of your pardon. – However, Wikipedia has informed me you that are the biological father of said Honey Boo Boo Child, and while I expect this information to be suspect and found incorrect at a later date, I still beseech you of a most serious and worthy endeavor which I will now communicate in an easily assimilated manner for swift action:

Git cusdadee. Git to a judge. Git cusdadee.

There is a child in danger of being at the hands of a convicted pedophile, and you sir, at this hour, are her only hope. We shall speak not on the depressing implications of such, but instead agree that you must avail yourself of your TV money. Free it from the moonshine jug and obtain yourself a fine big city lawyer for time is of the essence. Or in your parlance:

Git ‘R Done.

Goodspeed.

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