Hilary Duff’s Marriage: What Went Wrong?

January 15th, 2014 // 41 Comments
But.. But The Blowjob
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“Yup, it’s me, the chick who blew her fiance after he proposed. Thanks for coming to Disney’s Planes!”

On Friday afternoon, Hilary Duff and Mike Comrie shocked the five people still online by announcing they’re separating after only three years of marriage. Which seemed odd at the time considering his penis went right into her mouth after he showed her the ring, so no one really understood what the problem was here. Turns out they’ve been in marriage counseling for about as long as their kid’s been born despite being rich celebrities who can easily afford nannies, so it’s not like they were losing sleep or not enjoying a quiet meal whenever they want, you fucking spoiled bastards. I’ll kill you! Us Weekly reports:

She felt he didn’t put enough effort into the relationship,” a source tells Us of the singer-actress, 26, and her former NHL player husband, 33. The pair tried counseling for 18 months, the insider adds, “but recently he wasn’t doing any of the things they’d worked on.”
In fact, he wasn’t doing much at all, a Duff source tells Us. After being forced to retire from hockey because of a career-ending injury in 2012, Comrie’s ambition took a nosedive. “He never did anything!” the source says.

So all Mike Comrie had to do to have sex with Hilary Duff – HILARY. DUFF. – was get up off the couch every once in a while, but that was too much work for him? Wow. I don’t if that says more about how much family money he’s sitting on, or how lazy men are in general because here’s a list, in order, of shit we’re already predisposed to avoid at all costs that only gets worse over time.

1. Listening.
2. Talking.
3. Shopping.
4. Decision making.
5. Forming opinions.
5. Standing.
6. Not sleeping.
7. Left turns.
8. Reacting to stimuli.

That said, I would easily do at least half, if not one third, of these to get Duffed in the dong. Maybe. Okay, one long story with no end in sight about how the sheets she liked were marked wrong, and it’s a deal. (I’m a pushover. I know.)

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Mr. Hockey probably wasn’t high sticking her five hole hard enough.

  2. I’ll bet that simple fuck thought the blowjobs would continue AFTER the marriage.

  3. Urbanspaceman

    Nothing went wrong if you are Hilary Duff. Sure she signed a pre-nup but she still got what she wanted like so many Hollywood slores before her: DNA from a healthy man, a healthy baby, 18+ years of cheques and no guy hanging around ruining all the fun.

    On deck: Kaley Cuoco!

    • The truth shall set you free,,,,,Spot on Urban!

    • diversity hire

      Pretty much sums it up.

    • Blow Harder...

      Hillary went for the basic package, don’t give her a hard time!
      Who knew the Blow job wouldn’t last.

      It’s when they stick it out for 10 years going for the Gold-digger
      Trifecta! You know, Half of everything, 18 years of Child Support,
      and Lifetime Alimony, as long as they don’t marry again.

    • Jake

      Did you guys expect somrthing diffrent from a gold digger.

      This is how they roll:
      - find a who has large sums of money at his disposal
      - get at least a 24month commitment from him [marriage not nessary but is extremely helpful]
      - bare his child

      after which you may: collect child support for at least 18 years [216 months], plus alimony for atleast as long as you were ‘together’

  4. TheSufFan

    why are you so obsessed with her? she’s built like a chubby pre-pubescent girl and she hasn’t worked in anything of decent quality in YEARS. admit it, you still fantasize about her as lizzie mcguire, don’t you fish?

  5. brick

    Maybe he got depressed because he could never get his arms as big as hers.

  6. It’s tough ya know. Marriage is a complex thing a certainly takes a lot of work. It has to be hard to rebound when a career gets cut short unexpectedly. Shifting gears into a life of more regular domestic activities would be tough. Maybe a little more understanding on her part for that might have helped. Conversely, you’ve committed to a life together so that means even if you’re depressed about things, you still have to get up and live some life occasionally. Especially if there’s a kid involved. A little give and take might have….(stops typing, looks at what website he’s on). Oh nevermind.

    He wasn’t giving to her right. That must have been it.

  7. Oh BABY

    I guess you like your women sans personality, eh Fish?

    Duff hasn’t done anything worth watching in many years, and is as interesting as watching paint dry. Other than giving Comrie head, which is the only truly engaging thing she’s done in her whole public life, she is as bland as you can get.

    Maybe you can explain to the class why you immediately engage in a written form of bashing the bishop when Duff’s name comes up on this site? On second thought, no, please don’t share. Your motivation is probably as colorless and bland as Duff is.

  8. Hilary Duff
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    Omg, she’s wearing the Eye of Sauron, and its focused on my cock ring! Yes, that is what I thought when I saw this . . . so shutup.

  9. Dongers

    So getting depressed after a life altering injury is reason for someone to divorce you and talk shit? Wow great wife/mother right there.

  10. “After being forced to retire from hockey because of a career-ending injury in 2012, Comrie’s ambition took a nosedive. “He never did anything!” the source says.”

    Yeah…that’s what “retired” means.

  11. Mr. Virginia Tech

    Comrie really doesn’t have to do anything, the guy’s father is loaded. He is set for life.

  12. meh

    It’s like the old saying….”Show me a girl who is hot as hell and I’ll show you an ex who is tired of dealing with all her shit.”

  13. JimBB

    Call me old-fashioned, but when I was growing up, a proposal blowjob meant a lifetime commitment.

  14. lawn

    There’s an old joke that pretty well covers this:

    Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

    A: Your job still sucks after a year.

  15. Cock Dr

    So she got bored with him.
    It was her starter marriage. She’ll get better at it with practice.

  16. diversity hire

    Hard to feel bad for him. Everyone knows American chicks have become a horrible investment. He shoulda got one of those ride-or-die Eastern European women.

  17. He grew tired of that ass.
    In the beginning he thought , wow, Hilary Duff! Then after getting with her and smelling her farts and seeing her shit stains around the inside of the toilet bowl the honeymoon was over.
    Lok at Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr. Over!!!!!!
    Hollywood get downs don’t last. That goes to show in a lot of cases that looks don’t mean shit!!!

  18. Exactly why are we automatically bashing the woman for this marriage falling apart? Really?

  19. Hilary Duff
    coljack
    Commented on this photo:

    Coming Soon! The Lizzy McGuire Movie: After the Divorce. Watch Lizzy McGuire navigate the world of dating as a single mom! After one failed date after another on Plenty of Fish, Lizzy goes to London and meets the man of her dreams. But why does he keep cracking jokes about sobriety, sex and marrying singers? See if Lizzy finds true love (and try not to blow your brains out, kids)!

  20. Ripley's Believe It Or Not

    Duff just learnt that marriage is like a deck of cards: at the beginning all she wanted was 2 hearts & a diamond; by the end all she wanted was a club & a spade.

  21. Mohawk Disco

    Don’t wish it on her but I wonder how she’ll act when life fucks her life up. Because it can. I know from my own life what it feels like working for something for years then life taking it away from you in a second. Ruining your life. The worst is that this usually brings other shit with it like dominos falling. Events like that take years to get over. If ever. So, if she really wanted her marriage to work she should have, I don’t know, act like a wife and support her husband. Now, I know that for most women that’s a strange and crazy notion. But it just might have worked.

    And to anyone who says “Stop bitching. Man up!” Just wait until life fucks you in the ass then you Man up!

  22. Hilary Duff
    Jason
    Commented on this photo:

    Not ugly; just incredibly ordinary and plain. Better can be found at your local mall.

  23. spotsanstripes

    I like the Zoolander reference :-)

  24. Dirk

    puck bunny

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