Hilary Duff’s Marriage: What Went Wrong?

The Superficial / January 15, 2014

“Yup, it’s me, the chick who blew her fiance after he proposed. Thanks for coming to Disney’s Planes!”

On Friday afternoon, Hilary Duff and Mike Comrie shocked the five people still online by announcing they’re separating after only three years of marriage. Which seemed odd at the time considering his penis went right into her mouth after he showed her the ring, so no one really understood what the problem was here. Turns out they’ve been in marriage counseling for about as long as their kid’s been born despite being rich celebrities who can easily afford nannies, so it’s not like they were losing sleep or not enjoying a quiet meal whenever they want, you fucking spoiled bastards. I’ll kill you! Us Weekly reports:

She felt he didn’t put enough effort into the relationship,” a source tells Us of the singer-actress, 26, and her former NHL player husband, 33. The pair tried counseling for 18 months, the insider adds, “but recently he wasn’t doing any of the things they’d worked on.”
In fact, he wasn’t doing much at all, a Duff source tells Us. After being forced to retire from hockey because of a career-ending injury in 2012, Comrie’s ambition took a nosedive. “He never did anything!” the source says.

So all Mike Comrie had to do to have sex with Hilary Duff – HILARY. DUFF. – was get up off the couch every once in a while, but that was too much work for him? Wow. I don’t if that says more about how much family money he’s sitting on, or how lazy men are in general because here’s a list, in order, of shit we’re already predisposed to avoid at all costs that only gets worse over time.

1. Listening.
2. Talking.
3. Shopping.
4. Decision making.
5. Forming opinions.
5. Standing.
6. Not sleeping.
7. Left turns.
8. Reacting to stimuli.

That said, I would easily do at least half, if not one third, of these to get Duffed in the dong. Maybe. Okay, one long story with no end in sight about how the sheets she liked were marked wrong, and it’s a deal. (I’m a pushover. I know.)

Photos: Getty