Yup, Those Are Hilary Duff’s Boobs, Hold My Calls

I live in the bushes outside of Hilary Duff’s house in LA. So whenever she’s in New York, I honestly have no clue because her team makes it looks like she’s only going to the grocery store, or they wait until I’m asleep, which is easy do to because I snore. “Wait, is that a leaf blower? Nope, creepy Internet guy. MOVE, MOVE!” So when I woke up this morning to see her breasts in a completely different time zone, well, let’s just say I had a very stern talk with the officer who tried to remove me from the property now that they knew Hilary wouldn’t be around if things went south. I mean, I really grabbed that motherfucker’s gun and gave him a piece of mind. And then later we laughed and hugged because I’m white and technically am allowed three of these. Per week.

UPDATE: Nipple! That’s part of a nipple. It’s been real, everyone. *transforms into a celestial being of pure light, ascends into the sky* WHEEEEEE!

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