Hey, Look, I Committed a War Crime!

February 25th, 2011 // 108 Comments

Since its Friday, we decided to go ahead and shoot you in the eyes since you have all weekend to recover, so here’s Gary Shirley, baby daddy to Amber Portwood and basically the perfect specimen of masculine perfection. Because what better use for sudden wealth than low-rise jeans, graphic tees and a Dodge Avenger? It’s not like this generation would be better off with higher education or a stable means of shelter for their constant parade of bastards. When my dad was putting food on the table and a roof over our heads, I mostly just wished he’d dress cooler and impregnate a naked pig from the county fair. Instead we had health insurance which is the gay cousin to being Mormon.

DAD: So, have you thought about college?
GARY: Eh, I’m just gonna knock up another girl and hope for that MTV money.
DAD: I’m talking about a plan for your future.
GARY: Mommm, Dad doesn’t understand my feelings!
MOM: Now, dear, Gary’s just trying to communicate with you.
DAD: *pulls out gun, shoots Gary in the chest* I WORKED IN A FACTORY.
AMERICA: *claps, cheers, rises above the ashes of adversity on golden wings of an eagle*

Photos: Flynet

superficial

  1. jay

    is that a mini penis coming out of his crack? I’m confused did Amber leave it there?

  2. IreneWienne

    that just looks wrong. I eyes are bleeding!

  3. Gary Shirley Ass Crack
    Commented on this photo:

    Um, does he have a tail?

  4. Good to know that thanks to MTV, white trash can afford designer jeans.

    P.S. Nice tail you sloppy fat bastard.

  5. Marceelf

    You really think that ass crack has a father that stuck around? I’m betting mom’s boyfriend has a ponytail and no job.

  6. Hugh Gentry

    fuck you for posting this.

  7. coincidentally i set amber’s smoothe, sweet ass as my phone background pic late nite. but right now, as uncle kamal once said when i saw him with his dick in the mixing bowl, “im fuckin dis-custard”

    but hey, gary’s bein a real man being involved in that kid’s life. cant hate on dat. hopefully he uses some of that mtv money to get into remedial school if need be, and on to college or a votech.

    • youcandieNOW

      Don’t care if he’s in the kid’s life or not. He passed on his fat genes and mated with another pig just to make sure. What kind of dad is that?

  8. Reg

    Is that where you park your bike?

  9. nahhhhh

    I would have believed that was Amber’s hairy crack.

  10. So their kid is going to look the same on both ends? Tough break.

  11. tv for my bunghole

    Joy Behar in the wild!

  12. littlecajunhoney

    I just threw up in my mouth!

  13. Karen

    Five minutes earlier he was on the Superficial saying “that chick looks fat.”

  14. poppymoss

    I wonder why he cut off his tail? Amber seems like the kind of girl to be into that.

  15. SlapKatyPerry

    someone didn’t learn how to wipe their ass properly when they where three someone tell this guy you’re not supposed to smeer shit up your crack when he wipes his ass.

  16. justuhbill

    Crack kills man. Crack kills.

  17. ana

    Is that a tail… o.O?

  18. justuhbill

    So… is that a gerble gasping for air at the top of the crack or does he just need to wipe a lot better?

  19. Amy Sandwich

    I bet Amber nibbles cheese slices out of that.

  20. Gary Shirley Ass Crack
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    The pants stayed on. Why couldn’t the pants have stayed on when he was screwing around with Ms Piggley Wiggley?

  21. justuhbill

    Whitney Houston put it best a few years ago when she said “Crack is whack.”

  22. justuhbill

    It looks like Amber’s jeans are too big for him…

  23. justuhbill

    Now I see why Amber insists on tagging him from behind.

  24. Either that is a vestigial tail or he is such a fat fuck that even his ass crack has a double chin…

  25. Gary Shirley Ass Crack
    Throjo
    Commented on this photo:

    Probably searching for his dignity. He should check back at the clothing store.

  26. Richard McBeef

    A more refined wigger would have worn some drawers with 40s of malt liquor on them.

  27. Gary Shirley Ass Crack
    craig
    Commented on this photo:

    Does that dude have a tail?

  28. Bucky Barnes

    So THAT’S why they’re called “crackers”…

  29. Amber’s face is looking a little bit better than usual today. Oh wait…

  30. Jimbo

    Fish dude, Are you really going to leave us with this hairy butt crack to look at all weekend? Dude, you are COLD!! Just give us some nice boobs. it is not that hard to find. Any but that hairy ass popping up on my screen all weekend.

  31. YESYESYES

    Ya’ll must not have seen her naked pix. Her body is pretty decent. Nice and tan…aroused just thinking about it

  32. J.

    A forked butt crack is a sign of the devil. So sayeth Katy Perry. Amen.

  33. Bucky Barnes

    This post should have an additional tag… “appetite suppressant.”

  34. J.

    Britney? Is that you?

  35. Gary Shirley Ass Crack
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    And then he Tweeted, “What’s more painful than anal sex? Not getting to have any anal sex. Would someone come fuck me in the ass please?”

  36. This posting is a good indication that Fish has cracked his first cold one and is laughing maniacally at our collective angst…

    Damn you Fish!! ‘Tis an “ass of woe” you have bestowed upon your loyal readers. You made the Internet die a little today…. :(

  37. See Alice

    A picture for the Ladies .

  38. The Listener

    Ewww… I didn’t need to see that. No underwear AND no belt. He should’ve picked one or the other, not both. That’s just nasty.

  39. YOU KILLED IT

    Why did u post this……i can understand dat girl with hairy legs….but this is a waste of space on ur website

  40. Was that necessary?

    • Jovy

      I have officially lost my appetite. I’m not even joking on this one. I was fine until I saw the tail comments and that pretty much did me in. The thought of this thing. Procreating. Why. I’ll lose sleep over this for weeks. I have a feeling that this is going to haunt me for a very long time.

  41. Hickok

    You sure that isn’t an Amber crotch shot ?

  42. Ikcor

    I’ve heard of coin slots, but that can hold a whole roll of quarters.

  43. Amy

    Put down the Happy Meal box, back away from the Avenger, and for the love of God, use your MTV cash to have that schnitzel removed from your buttcrack.

  44. Gary Shirley Ass Crack
    sasquatch
    Commented on this photo:

    WTF is that flap between the cheeks???

  45. Gary Shirley Ass Crack
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Manbearpig sighted. See incredible photos on the fabulous world wide web.

  46. Princess Leia: The cave is collapsing.
    Han Solo: This is no cave.

  47. sarab

    oh look, it has a tail!

  48. its me fuckers

    this is why I don’t understand gay men. I just can’t imagine wanting to lick, suck, touch that hairy, sweaty, RED ass crack…

  49. Chewie, start the Falcon!

  50. Ash Bones

    why don’t people wear belts?

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