‘The Legend Of Hercules’ – Hollywood Hotties as Greek Goddesses

December 6th, 2013

With just five weeks left until the theatrical opening of The Legend Of Hercules, we can’t help but think of Gods, and far more importantly, Goddesses, of Mt. Olympus who were the true celebrities before there TVs or movies or iPods. The only music available was the lute and your natural voice, so that ruled out auto-tuned pop stars. You know all the guys in Ancient Greece got deep into lust with the immortal hotties living high up beyond the clouds. Not much has changed to this very day. We still appreciate classic beauty. But with the ancient Goddesses dispelled to the four winds, we got to thinking which celebrities of today would make the best divine Greek replacements.

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The Legend Of Hercules – Opening in Theaters January 10, 2014

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  1. Kim Kardashian
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh good, we can make comments on sponsored posts now.

    Well *ahem*, I believe the Goddess Kim should definitely be in this movie. She can be cast to hell, and get raped for all eternity by a horde of demons that have penises coming out of their bodies everywhere, like those crazy Japanese anime cartoons.

    And once a day, all of the sewage waste from Greece will be drop down a giant hole onto her while she’s chained to a stone platform and all the minions of hell will watch behind chain-linked fences and will be drinking beers and placing bets on how many times she pukes.

  2. Christie Brinkley
    Derek Zoolander
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d practially kill to be fucking a woman this hot when I’m 60.

  3. Selena Gomez
    Commented on this photo:

    This gallery gives me a newfound respect for Kim K conspiring to get famous by having Ray J pee on her. Yes, that was famewhorery, but it was honest famewhorery. It’s who she is, and at the end of the day, famewhore is as famewhore does.

    After this gallery, Kanye West is going to throw this site on the back of his motorcycle, fuck it silly and make a video about it.

    • That came out weird. My point was this: I didn’t think it was possible for a site that trucks in dick jokes and bikini pics to lose its integrity – I didn’t think it had any integrity to lose – but I was wrong, and this gallery proves it. Unironically doing a sponsored post that equates Kim K to the earth goddess? Trying to re-inject a little snark into the end of the Selena Gomez pic? I feel like my intelligence hasn’t just been insulted – it’s been raped, beaten and left for dead.

      This is as bad as anything this site has mocked Kim K for doing. It gives me newfound respect…(carry on, earlier me)….

      • If it helps, I didn’t write any of this. Someone paid to have it placed here (think of it as just another ad because it is) which is a decision made way over my head. I just do the dick jokes, tits and occasional political rant that makes people say, “Hey, how about those tits again?”

      • You need to go to your bosses at Celebbuzz and tell them: “You’re destroying the purity of my work.” And when they get done rolling around on the floor laughing, provide them with a quick overview of the history of journalism and why there were traditionally ironclad separations between editorial and advertising. By this point, they’ll be so incapacitated with tears of laughter, you can get them to sign a quit-claim deed to the site over to you for $1 (they won’t be able to see what they’re signing through all the waterworks), and then you’ll get to keep all the ad revenue for yourself and make sure sappy crap like this never again interferes with our feeling of superiority towards asshat celebrities.

        And as your pro bono business coach, I expect extra-special commenter privilege for all time and invitations to your beach house in Barbados. Yes, I’m free for Thanksgiving in 2014.

  4. Kim Kardashian
    Dennis
    Commented on this photo:

    Got it completely wrong. Gaia is the Goddess of Fertility.

    Kim is just a goddess of fertilizer.

  5. Jennifer Lawrence
    SIN
    Commented on this photo:

    Got these damned YouTube ads blocking half the picture again.

  6. Commented on this photo:

    She does kind of look like a harmonica in this picture.

  7. Kim Kardashian
    Dox
    Commented on this photo:

    Fucking really?
    You would insult the entire concept of Gaia by choosing the single most repugnant, plastic filled, douche bag in the entire history of women?

  8. Reese Witherspoon
    Dox
    Commented on this photo:

    After all, who doesn’t remember the story of Hestia defending her drunken husband’s chariot driving by shouting to the Hoplite who pulled her over…

    “Do you know who the fuck I am? I will smite thee!”

  9. Selena Gomez
    Dox
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’t remember Hades being a Pedophile.