Helen Mirren in a bikini, by insanely large request

July 17th, 2008 // 139 Comments

I gotta hand it to you guys: You don’t hesitate for a second when I violate the Sacred Bikini Code of posting regardless of age, weight or breastlessness. I received no less than 78 gajillion emails asking why I haven’t posted these shots of 63-year-old actress Helen Mirren (The Queen) in a bikini. You’re a surprisingly more mature bunch than I thought. Time to start skewing my jokes towards an older crowd. Here’s a good one:

What did the Kaiser say to Howard Hughes?
War bonds?! I thought she was a Studebaker!

Ha! Tomfoolery at its best! Don’t forget to drink your Ovaltine, folks, and remember; nothing soothes what ails you like a refreshing Lucky Strike. Signing off.

Photos: Daily Mail
superficial

  1. Malffy Hernandes

    wow, nice bod.

  2. B

    I don’t know who this lady is, but she’s got a slamming body for being 63!

  3. lexatron

    ” 70. Susan – July 17, 2008 4:27 PM

    “whilst”

    you have bad teeth, don’t you?”

    Is this yet another hilarious joke about British people having bad teeth? Yes, I’m British and my teeth are perfect thanks!

  4. IKE

    @ #12. Dr. Otto VanDerWahl
    You are SOOOO right!!
    She IS hotter than Madonna.

    Seriously!!!!

  5. I’d hit it.

    Can’t believe I just said that.

    But i would

  6. Kodos

    I knew it!!
    She WOULD still fit in that armored bikini she wore in ‘Excalibur’!

    Not bad at all.

    BTW, that’s DAME Helen Mirren to you peasants!!

  7. Nat

    This woman is 62 and looks this good?!

    Fabulous, good on her!

  8. PLEASE HELEN, a bathing=suite will do the thrick.
    Give your birthdate on your passport a close look, WILL YA?
    ………..YOU WILL STAY ON MY “LIST”!!

  9. Deadpool

    This makes my penis confused.

  10. emmyem

    #93…I’ll tell you waht’s in this photo. As I look at Helen’s very nice for her age bod, I am saddened to see a SCAR right about the right side of her bikini bottom. (To MY left as I look at the screen). Take a close look folks! This is a LIFT scar, whether it be a pubic fat lift (true, women get that operation) or from a tummy lift. She has had one, but it was WELL done.
    Now give me my $10.00!

  11. Michelle in Michigan

    1000% sure – that line above the top of her bikini bottom is a tummy tuck scar. Got one just like it. Takes one to know one – got one just like it.

  12. This isn’t new news– Helen Mirren’s always been hot, in fact she looks better older! tummy tuck, not having kids, whatever, let the haters hate… Genetics goes a long way!

  13. cavy

    I totally agree gigi #112! Whatever the case – it is pretty impressive for a woman of 63 to be that gorgeous! Look at other women who have had plastic surgery at her age – they don’t look half as hot (or NATURAL)…so whatever Helen is doing…she’s doing it right!

  14. PeachPie

    God bless her. She looks absolutely GREAT for her age.

    She always dresses and acts “age-appropriate” otherwise. Which I find refreshing. (Never saw her in spandex with her legs spread open wide, never saw her in any gaudy “coffee-table” sex book). Helen is a class act.

    So if she wants to go to the beach in a bikini once in a while, hell yeah, darlin’… go for it.

    Let’s see a show of hands of who here, commenting, thinks THEY’LL look this good at 63?

    (My own hand isn’t raised). I wish, though.

  15. ::raises hand as lightning strikes it down::
    Oh mama no!

  16. kitty

    anybody who looks like that in a bathing suit at 63 SHOULD BE THE HAPPIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD….SHE’S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL FROM HEAD TO TOE……i’ve seen 22 year old sows on the subway that wouldn’t look this good in a bathing suit…..

  17. kitty

    anybody who looks like that in a bathing suit at 63 SHOULD BE THE HAPPIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD….SHE’S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL FROM HEAD TO TOE……i’ve seen 22 year old sows on the subway that wouldn’t look this good in a bathing suit…..

  18. EddyBoyee

    Dr. Rachel, Claire Danes is almost 30, so when did your puberty end?

  19. Jeremy

    Ha! I thought she was a Studebaker! Good one.

    Helen Mirren has great breasts.

  20. Me

    Wow. She looks amazinggggg. Better than most of them young ho’s and bitches.

  21. Eva

    Folks, not all women who have children have the bodies to show for it. My body didn’t change AT ALL after two kids and that is not a lie. I have always been thin, gained 25 lbs with each kid, so the weight fluctuations have been minimal and I have good genes, didn’t get stretch marks nor did my mother. I also breastfed each baby and my breasts actually got perkier after I weaned my second child. They are a little smaller, but perkier, go figure! If you saw me in a bikini you would think I had no kids, so stop the generalizations about having kids = wrecked body.

  22. Kathleen

    She’s hot.
    What a babe,

    And it’s strange to see an overwhelming number of positive posts…
    But at least everyone can recognize how remarkable her body is.

  23. cavy

    #121 Eva, thanks for the play by play on your reproductive status..LOL!

  24. Last! oh god please let me be last….

  25. EAC

    Fabulous lady, gorgeous body, great talent. Love her to bits.

  26. EAC

    Fabulous lady, gorgeous body, great talent. Love her to bits.

  27. EAC

    Fabulous lady, gorgeous body, great talent. Love her to bits.

  28. BP79

    Wait, what did you say EAC–not quite sure we got it.

  29. Unshavenfan

    HOT HOT HOT

    She looks awesome. I have to j/o know ;-)

  30. Saffy

    I’M GAY FOR HER NOW.

  31. Debratante

    I LOVE YOUR KAISER JOKE !!! YOU ARE HILARIOUS !!

    p.S. sHE LOOKS TOTALLY GREAT !

  32. Debratante

    # 56 – Dear Belle – You sound like a moron. xoxo

  33. lambman

    She rocks! been a big fan of hers for a while, she’s naked in almost all her movies and is still a fox! the one and only GILF!

  34. dude

    I’m 30 and I would so totally hit that.

  35. blah

    this is hot? are you kidding me? who the hell would REQUEST this? its disgusting. my eyesssssssssss

  36. alexa

    you know who else looks amazing in his 73 year old body? dalai lama . you can see him walking around half-naking and put himself on the chair in lotus position in front of respectable people and politicians who look at him like to an apparition from the moon. I would like cwith fury to fuck him

  37. Bbz

    #35#35 Rick has a point. There is no substitute for the juicy prime pussy of a Hayden, Hiedi, Megyn Fox, Hiegel and all those other little fuck-tarts.

    Nah, only guys who are afraid of real women or haven’t been with one think that way. Helen would know how to do it RIGHT and know a lot about giving a guy what he really wants versus the inexperienced and self-centered might be great to look at in a picture but useless in bed.

  38. Alex
    Commented on this photo:

    I want (a woman like) Helen Mirren. She is lovely and beautiful and intelligent. She is the IDEAL WOMAN. I would want her when she’s eighty.

  39. Lily

    Umm..yeah nice body for an old woman, but still a butterface

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