Helen Mirren in a bikini, by insanely large request

July 17th, 2008 // 139 Comments

I gotta hand it to you guys: You don’t hesitate for a second when I violate the Sacred Bikini Code of posting regardless of age, weight or breastlessness. I received no less than 78 gajillion emails asking why I haven’t posted these shots of 63-year-old actress Helen Mirren (The Queen) in a bikini. You’re a surprisingly more mature bunch than I thought. Time to start skewing my jokes towards an older crowd. Here’s a good one:

What did the Kaiser say to Howard Hughes?
War bonds?! I thought she was a Studebaker!

Ha! Tomfoolery at its best! Don’t forget to drink your Ovaltine, folks, and remember; nothing soothes what ails you like a refreshing Lucky Strike. Signing off.

Photos: Daily Mail

  1. talk about things insanely large..

  2. the truth

    that selfish cunt never had kids because she didn’t want to ruin her bod. Fucking ego-maniacal worthless bitch!! go suck some rich guys cock for some money you old crow!!

  3. Caligula

    Now we know where Claire Dane’s breasts went.

  4. Mike

    WOW !! For a mature woman, hell for any woman, she is TIGHT !!! You go girl !! :)

  5. PETE

    I’d spend an hour licking the blue-veined knot that her anus has become.

  6. belle

    I’d rather have my stomach covered in stretch marks than to go through life childless. But not everyone wants to experience the joys and responsibilities of having a family. It must make old age awfully empty and lonely.

  7. mike

    I want her to give me a handjob so I can see her upper arm flap-flap-flapping. It’ll remind me of Sunday afternoon visits with grandma. Maybe Helen will also have some of those nice doilies to clean up afterwards (tissues are so impersonal).

  8. crazypants

    Helen Mirren has been acting for decades and in her younger days was a stone cold hottie. She was better known for being hot than she was for being a fine actress. She’s aged well.

  9. Dorien

    She looks amazing and the reason she does is because she never had any children. You wanna look like that, dont have kids. Problem solved.

  10. bill

    Possibly I could handle the postmenopausal nastiness that’s lurking below the white lines on her bikini (‘DO NOT CROSS!”), but for sure the old-lady farts would kill me.

  11. Eddy

    I am jealous. I don’t look that good in a bikini at 20!

  12. passing anon

    well, there’ s a walking advertisement for getting married later in life!

    I’m glad she never had kids – she has admitted that she just doesn’t have the instinct. Why should she have had kids if she didn’t want them to begin with? I wish more people would be honest about things like that – if you don’t want to get married and you don’t want to have kids, why force yourself? There are enough people in this world with emotional problems.The theatre and films have been her children, and I’d say that we’ve definitely reaped the benefits. She’s an amazing actress and she’s always been a sultry woman as well.

    to the guy who mentioned Caligula: my ex-boyfriend shattered what was left of my innocence as a college freshman when we watched the uncensored DVD of caligula. My lab professor started talking about that movie for some reason yesterday (probably trying to corrupt the rest of us). Nothing like perverted old teachers…

  13. Jammy

    …a bottle of Clairol, and she’ll be done!

  14. nipolian

    If that dude in the red shirt remembered his Viagra that morning……He’s about 3 minutes from getting the blowjob of his life in that second pic.

  15. you pizza faced losers

    Too good for the pizza faced posters

  16. Mal Gusto

    her skin looks better than Lidsay Lohan’s

  17. lexatron

    She has openly said that she never had children after discovering what happens to the body whilst in labour (i.e tearing, bleeding etc). She admits that she was always terrified and repulsed at the idea of giving birth so never did.

    That doesn’t make her selfish. If more people gave up having children just because that’s what is ‘normal’ and expected of women of a certain age then we would have a lot less unhappy children and parents around.

  18. Must Have Badonkadonk Butt

    You fuckers are nuttier than squirrel shit. I just googled photos of Helen, and that bitch is just plain old. You’re some desperate, confused, and strange bastards.

  19. Susan


    you have bad teeth, don’t you?

  20. Tim

    I’d slip off her Depends and lick every inch of her soiled ass.

  21. Van

    Woooah…amazing, especially considering her age.

  22. Dr. Rachel

    This is the perfect day on the Superfish. First, all the lil boys go crazy about a prepubescent girl (Claire Danes), reflecting their repressed desire for homosexual experiences, and then they go crazy for Helen Mirren, reflecting their repressed desire for mommy. Such amusing little boys!

  23. Damn, didn’t know they made Depends in a thong bikini form….

  24. 43 year old mom

    I’m 43 and I wish I had those abs! Go Helen!

  25. nipolian

    #73 – Now if we could just get some pics of Kim Karfatassian….. we could reflect our repressed desires to fuck the pig back home on the farm and the trifecta would be complete.

  26. sloane

    Damn she looks good! I hope I look that good when I’m old!

  27. Biscuits and Gravy

    Just look up the movie “Age of consent” and you can see her in her prime.

  28. s_d

    she’s like 200 years old and she looks gooood

  29. s_d

    she’s like 200 years old and she looks gooood

  30. Lola

    Helen is hands-down amazingly beautiful…. If anyone saw her movie “Calendar Girls” couple of years ago, you’ll see that she takes good car of her body. She had a topless scene in the movie and by the looks of it, a plastic surgeon has never been anywhere near her or her body.
    She’s an inspiration to women everywhere. I would only pray to God that I look this good at age 50 AND 60

  31. rough daddy

    every old bag should look like her…

  32. Mick

    I’d love to give her the ol’ choke-fuck because I’m curious to see if she would die.

  33. besk



  34. PunkA

    I had no idea that the Queen of England looked so slamming in a bikini. I’d love to stick my Crown Jewels in her Royal Highness Ass.

  35. cavy

    #52 and #56: In case you didn’t notice, this isn’t the Dark Ages….women don’t have to pop out kids anymore – it’s a CHOICE nowadays to not be walking wombs. Get your heads outta your asses and join this Century. And #56, what makes you think that having kids will stave off loneliness in later years? Go to any elder care home and count how many have children that actually visit more than once a year – most Mothers alienate friends and husbands while getting too wrapped up in “Bratley’s life” – I bet Helen has more friends and fun than you’ll ever have! It’s pretty pathetic to use the excuse of having kids to fill a void in your lousy lives.

    Rock on Helen!!! You’re GORGEOUS!!!

  36. Dr. Phil mmkay?

    Helen Mirren in her earlier days: http://actresspictures.co.uk/scansm/mirren/HelenMirren24.jpg

    ’nuff said.

  37. Dr. Phil mmkay?

    Oops, sorry for lack of intarwebz skills.

  38. bambi

    Age that well???

    God, I wish I looked that good now and she’s got 25 years on me.


  39. dgd

    I am just a bit curious……………………the magazine HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP reported his profile was found on the famous rich men seeking affairs site ???S u g a r d a d d y C o n n e c t. c o m??? last week and he was seeking his sugar woman there………….. wow!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  40. Fernando Valenzuela

    I saw “2010″ the other day on cable and she has gotten sexier as she’s gotten older. These pics will definitely be my jack off material for tonight!

  41. kit kitten

    wow – go helen!

  42. Dip Shit

    Is that her upper lip or her tongue?
    If it’s her upper lip, woah, stare at it, it looks weird. If it’s her tongue, she almost has a cute puppy dog look. Interesting….

    I’ll give anyone $10 who can determine what is showing in this photograph.

  43. Tony Blair

    @70 That was hilarious!

  44. CJ

    See what happens when women refuse to breed? No children does a body good.

  45. The Regulator


    Can you please tell that to all the illegal aliens who are flooding this country with their anchor spawn?

    Oh wait, Mexican bitches don’t give a shit what their bodies look like after birthing 20 future gangbangers…

  46. GG1000

    If the Lord is good to me and my karma’s in line and the stars smile on me and all that, I’ll look half as good as that at that age!

  47. Kimberly

    Yowza! I just got a girl boner!

  48. Beastman AIDS

    A GILF! A GILF is a very rare sight indeed, Higgins!
    I’m most impressed as this speciman is exceptionally sexible – usually a GILF’s granny-sexibility is an illusion composed of fancy fabrics and heavy make-up.
    No – this GILF is quite something. Quite something indeed ….


  49. Lexoka

    Wow, really impressive for someone over 60!

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