Helen Mirren in a bikini, by insanely large request

July 17th, 2008 // 139 Comments

I gotta hand it to you guys: You don’t hesitate for a second when I violate the Sacred Bikini Code of posting regardless of age, weight or breastlessness. I received no less than 78 gajillion emails asking why I haven’t posted these shots of 63-year-old actress Helen Mirren (The Queen) in a bikini. You’re a surprisingly more mature bunch than I thought. Time to start skewing my jokes towards an older crowd. Here’s a good one:

What did the Kaiser say to Howard Hughes?
War bonds?! I thought she was a Studebaker!

Ha! Tomfoolery at its best! Don’t forget to drink your Ovaltine, folks, and remember; nothing soothes what ails you like a refreshing Lucky Strike. Signing off.

Photos: Daily Mail

  1. Tom Cruise


  2. circe

    she shows all those 20 year old skanks how it’s really done!

  3. Empty Republic

    She maybe 63, but she takes care of herself.

  4. One

    wow, she’s in amazing shape for her age;she’s an inspiration. Either that or she has a really amazing plastic surgeon. Nah, she’s got to be working out and eating right too…plastic surgery can only do so much; espc at that age.

  5. I’d bang her blue-haired butt with a fury that bordered on the insane.

  6. Dave

    at 63 shes still hotter than brooke hogan

  7. rough daddy

    that woman can teach you a lotta things…specially 3rd input play…still holding up congrats…

  8. And there’s no way to get her pregnant!

  9. veggi

    I’d love to bury my face in her gray wool.

  10. Lauren

    What’s wrong with you turds!? She looks AMAZING, straight up AMAZING,
    I mean, get a clue here and stop being such dipshits. For her age, and even for like someone 15 years YOUNGER she looks wonderful. You people who can dis on 63 women who look this good can just fucking eat shit.

  11. Naughty thoughts, very naughty thoughts, ohhh I’ve got to stop thinking like that.

    Damn she’s hotter than Madonna!!!

  12. JPRichardson

    Say what you want; it would still be my big pleasure to delight myself fondling her nice, bulgy breasts and it would be the greatest of all honors to go medieval on her 63 year old tight ass.

  13. Ted Mosby

    Oh Mammies!

  14. whatever

    Dear god, please let me still look that hot when I’m 63. Thxbai.

  15. taint

    12: Damn she’s hotter than Madonna!!!

    ____My taint is hotter than Madonna

  16. Paul

    Man, she looks hot! I had the hots for her since I saw National Treasure 2, and I noticed she had big juggs. Call me, Helen. We’ll do sex.

  17. Crazy Old Bitch

    I would personally like to smack the shit out of everyone who requested these pictures. Jesus Christ!

    Tom Cruise is gay, whatever. Fuck you all.

  18. RCA

    I saw Shadowboxer….I’d bang this old bag silly!

  19. dementa

    Somewhere, Mad Madge is savagely beating her ball-less hubby in a rage over the body Helen has, and that no amount of surgery and exercise has brought Madge.

  20. havoc




  21. dude_on

    From now on can we just crop Britney’s head onto her body – and vice versa – and call it even?

  22. Onyx Blackman

    My God, I would do her. Nothing witty to add. I would just straight up do her.

  23. pray to age gracefully

    She looks FUCKING AMAZING!!! I mean really HOLY SHIT. As a woman I pray to god that I age that well. See women like Jennifer Love Hewitt have NO EXCUSE. My mom is 10 years younger and in a bikini she looks just like Heather Locklear. I really hope Miren hasn’t has any surgery because I want to age that well, but I refuse to opt for surgery. My Grandma is 85 and has the body of an aged Jessica Simpson (as a kid men half her age would hit on her infront of me and I was like get lost that’s my nana you perve) so god willing it’s in my genes.

  24. sammy

    would totally plow this lady. She just needs to dye her hair, shave her puss and put makeup on. Nice rack!! imagne the titty-fucks!!

  25. LarsThorwald

    You can post pics of Lindsay Lohan, Claire Danes, Paris Hilton, miley Cyrus, supermodel this and supermodel that all day long and while I will look, I will never pause the way I do looking at something like this. Do you have any idea the genetics, good nutrition, and general hard work someone must go through to maintain this kind of appearance?

    Helen Mirren is a beautiful woman, and in the parlance of our day, to put it crudely, I would most definitely hit it.

    Take a good hard look, kids. That’s classic beauty right there. She was beautiful when she was but a wee ingenue, and she is beautiful now. And a hell of an actor, to boot.

    I’ll take these pics over 100 of your others, Superficial.

  26. WOW

    great bod for a 63 year old. She looks better than half of the 20 year olds out there.

  27. Oh Please!

    She looks too good for being 60 something. These pixs are either Photoshopped or she never has had kids or she has been nipped and tucked by one of the world’s best plastic surgeons.

  28. pinky_nip

    You could fuck that broad, and then she’d make you cocoa, give you $5 and pat you on the head.

  29. havoc

    Yeah, but does she read a book spread eagle in a bikini?

    Yeah, didn’t think so…….


  30. SevanSins

    I wanna know who taught their Grandpa how to send picture requests to TheSuperficial online? Kudos to you sir because we have a hard time teaching my Grandpa the shower isn’t a place to ‘do his business’ everyday.

  31. Ferdinand Narcos

    I came.

  32. pinky_nip

    Hey, if she’s got false teeth, you guys are all set.

  33. Trover

    I’d go all prehistoric on her sweet ass.

    Any of you losers ever seen Caligula??

  34. Rick

    “Conditions relating to the vagina and bladder are often experienced post menopause because these parts of the body require estrogen to remain healthy. Thinning of the tissue in these areas can cause incontinence, bladder infections, growths or polyps in the uterus, and vaginal dryness.”


  35. Onyx Blackman

    @28 – You’re at least half right; she’s never had children.

  36. Grammar Police

    “Tomfoolery at it’s best!” It’s tomfoolery at its best.

  37. pinky_nip

    Hey, when you fuck an old lady, you can always get butt sex… just tell her “she’s done it before”… she won’t remember.

  38. Pinworm

    Man, she is the ultimate MILF and cougar!

  39. pinky_nip

    Just be careful if she’s a squirter, because with her advanced age, it’s gonna look like someone stepped on a baby powder container.

  40. jake

    #35 Rick has a point. There is no substitute for the juicy prime pussy of a Hayden, Hiedi, Megyn Fox, Hiegel and all those other little fuck-tarts.

  41. pinky_nip

    #41, those chicks are so juicy because of all the “ointments” they use.

  42. my comment

    She is a beauty. God love her.

    Nice bathing suit too. Smart lady, didn’t have kids.

  43. Helen Mirren

    You look ill, son. Was it very different from what you expected when I had my bikini on? I hate giving good people traumatic sexual experiences. But don’t worry about it. As soon as you step outside that door, you’ll start feeling better. You’ll remember you think my pictures are hotter than any Hollywood 20-something. Here, take a cookie. I promise when you’re finished eating it, you’ll feel right as rain.

  44. mike

    She’s hotter than the likes of Britney Spears, Uma Thurman, and Brooke Hogan.

    63 year old pulling off wearing a bikini? Respect!

  45. Ted Kennedy's tumor

    She is a GILF…Grandma I’d Like to Fuck.

  46. blackjack

    I’d hit it. 2 times. If you can get through it, check out Calendar Girls. Nice boob moment for her in that one.

  47. 63 or not, she keeps herself in decent shape. I would go to town on that ass!

  48. Jonathan

    She looks pretty damn good for her age. She must really take good care of her body or have one hell of a surgeon. Sadly, most of the cracked out skanks on this site (Britney, Lohan, etc.) are going to look older than her by the time they hit their 40s.

  49. NY Ted

    Cripes! 63! Are you kidding me? Those are nice “cannons & gams” for a senior citizen! I’d bang her ass like balls in a game of snooker!

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