Heidi & Spencer, Get Used to This Face: An Open Letter

October 10th, 2008 // 164 Comments

Dear Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt,

I regret to inform you that your dopey mugs will no longer be featured on The Superficial.

After conducting a thoroughly scientific survey where I let people call you assholes, it’s been almost unanimously determined our readers prefer the STD Tower of Lank above over you two. Let me repeat that: PEOPLE WOULD RATHER READ ABOUT PARIS HILTON THAN LOOK AT YOUR FACES. Frankly, I don’t even know how someone accomplishes such a feat, but you two pulled off in spades.

However, to show that I’m not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site:

1. Heidi wears a bikini.
2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally.

I hope at this time you two will respect that democracy has triumphed here today, and I wish you absolutely zero success in your future endeavors. In fact, I started going to church just so I could pray Heidi gets pregnant.

Sincerely,

The Superficial Writer.

P.S. Paris, if you’re reading this, I just FEDEX’d you a steak. EAT IT.

EDIT: This is the real deal, folks. Let it never be said I’m not a good and righteous ruler of the Interwebs.

Photos: Splash News
superficial

  1. YAY! No more of the douchebag duo!!

  2. Ishi-san

    @ 7 : and Paris did?

  3. Hey Jahn

    You realize by saying you found the site on your gf’s computer, then bashing those who read it- you are actually bashing your “girlfriend” right? But its ok- we all know you don’t have a girlfriend, or your own place, or a healthy cholesterol level, or an IQ of above 85.

  4. Tim B

    Thank You Thank You Thank You, please let this be true

  5. Grey

    THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!!!!
    EVERY TIME I SEE THEM I WANT TO BARF.

    WHO THE &*#$ ARE THE KIDS ANYWAY? Why give them the time of day?

  6. Jessica

    YAY!!!
    It’s simple math really. Paris had a sex tape. Heidi and Spencer maybe started a rumor about an ex-friend about a sex tape that possibly doesn’t exist on a fake-reality television show. And it makes me so, so, so sad that I even know about the latter.

    Thank you for saving us from their vapid, vanilla lives.

  7. balls

    thank you.

  8. AM

    You should agree to post photos of Heidi ONLY if she agrees to never speak to Spencer again … since I really believe they’re only together for the sake of their popularity. Plus it’ll at least add SOMETHING new to the Hills since it’s been the same story for the last 3 seasons… Entertain me.

  9. MJ

    Thank you Superficial!

  10. marge

    You’re a good man Fish

  11. dbone

    sorry for the late reply, i was busy curing cancer and stuff. but thank you. thank you deeply.

  12. skankdesperation

    thanks man !
    this is great news ….

    nobody likes them & the gossiprags look like moronic slaves still writing about them ..
    the marriage was never filed or a license attained so this is ALL fake ..
    the slandering thaaaang with false serious charges & callin cops with cameras rollin’ on mama was crossing the LINE …
    for a real indication of who they are one needs only to see that episode of ‘celebrity get me outta here …
    they will never work again anyway …
    i doubt even the porn industry will deal with them ..
    they are creeps …

  13. skankdesperation

    yes i agree about the paris comment ..
    there are certain people who we tease or make fun of or whatever …
    but this ‘speidi’ is something else ..
    unpleasant …a bringdown ….nasty …
    nothing wrong with villains in the gossiprags but a true villain has a few redeeming qualities which makes for interest …
    think danielle straub hahahaaaa

  14. skankdesperation

    ps- & if you DO decide to show foto’s make sure they’re REAL foto’s not sent in ‘shopped to hell fotos sent in by hontag & splatt …
    show her how she REALLY looks ..
    4 FT 11 IN.
    without the added Photoshopped neck
    (always pullin the hair in front too to hide it)
    & leg lengthening ( her twat is 2 inches off the ground without heels & fotoshop )
    & without the requisite black shadows cutting down the enormous face & head ..,
    also the pulling \& ridges on the implants so that every young innocent teen can see the TRUTH & not some airbrushed splatt hontag PR myth making ..
    KEEP IT REALZ !
    a better idea is to show someone else in a bikini ….

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