Heidi & Spencer, Get Used to This Face: An Open Letter

October 10th, 2008 // 164 Comments

Dear Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt,

I regret to inform you that your dopey mugs will no longer be featured on The Superficial.

After conducting a thoroughly scientific survey where I let people call you assholes, it’s been almost unanimously determined our readers prefer the STD Tower of Lank above over you two. Let me repeat that: PEOPLE WOULD RATHER READ ABOUT PARIS HILTON THAN LOOK AT YOUR FACES. Frankly, I don’t even know how someone accomplishes such a feat, but you two pulled off in spades.

However, to show that I’m not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site:

1. Heidi wears a bikini.
2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally.

I hope at this time you two will respect that democracy has triumphed here today, and I wish you absolutely zero success in your future endeavors. In fact, I started going to church just so I could pray Heidi gets pregnant.

Sincerely,

The Superficial Writer.

P.S. Paris, if you’re reading this, I just FEDEX’d you a steak. EAT IT.

EDIT: This is the real deal, folks. Let it never be said I’m not a good and righteous ruler of the Interwebs.

Photos: Splash News
superficial

  1. jahn

    I just came across this site on a girlfriend’s computer…I must say…you people who read this bullshit are some lifeless fucks that need some sort of injection of activity into your lives. It’s pretty sad that you could wast your life reading this garbage and not get out and do some living of your own. But you’ll probably send some post saying how stupid I am cause I don’t get joy from reading about people i’ll never meet, don’t give a fuck about, or want to. Anyways…keep rotting your lives away…try get a little sun…

  2. tiddlywinks

    THANK YOu superficial writers!!! I hate seeing those douches faces on thsi site. it makes me not want to come back ever. Could you maybe NOT even post bikini pics of that vapid whore? that would be the icing on the cake.

  3. IKE

    Kudos!!!
    Thank you very much!

  4. IKE

    P.S. “Classy Hilton” is better looking than “Trashy Hilton.”
    I like her new look.

  5. Thank you Superficial Guy.

    You have restored my faith in human kind. Oh to be rid of their vapid smiles!

    I see a Nobel prize in your future inscribed “he saved the world using nothing but a photo of a girl in a bikini”. You have the power – do good things with it.

    Long live the Superficial !

  6. Amy Crackhouse

    THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I throw up a little in my mouth everytime I have to see that fake d-bag smile of Spencer’s

  7. LC

    i applaud u sir

  8. bdaaaaaaawwg

    fuck yeah.

  9. BobFromAccounting`

    That #*($*ing god. Three cheers for the Superficial writer!

  10. Guest

    Why is Paris orange?

  11. Ted from LA

    I’d like to see another picture of them. In a coffin.

  12. Ted from LA

    #110,
    Orange you glad that you’re not?

  13. beyond

    THANK You superficial writers!
    Hi, are you a tall single or tall admirer? Do you wanna meet or chat with tall girls or tall guys? Now there are many sexy tall girls and handsome tall guys in the club [__"tallhub.com"__]. You can join this club, and find your romantic love. Don’t miss your love.

  14. Jo Smo

    You know….. If Paris weren’t raised as such an uppity snob she likely could have been a damn good fashion model.

    As far Heidi & Spencer…. Glad you reserved the right to show her in bikini or topless. We really don’t need to see the douchbag spencer ever again.

  15. si

    Today is a good day.

  16. etc

    Praise Jesus we won’t have to see their greasy faces again. You are a benevolent web-lord.

  17. Fred

    I likes seeing Heidi and Spencer… they made me feel better about myself.

  18. boo

    I didn’t like seeing them, but I loved reading the comments about them.

  19. el ces

    Long live the Paris!

  20. el ces

    Long live the Paris!

  21. CaptainMorgan

    One additional exception to add to the bikini: Police Mug Shot.
    THAT I want to see.

  22. el ces

    She’s looks really good here.

  23. I heartily and sincerely applaud your efforts. You are doing the right thing both for this nation, and for mankind. I wish to Gawd I had the strength to follow-suit, but alas, my blog is called Dear Famous Asshole…and, frankly, there aren’t any bigger assholes than these two chumps.

    I, do however, do still wish damnation, hellfire, and mass destruction upon the celubutard house of cards that Heidi-n-Spencer hath wrought.

    And, may we all say: Amen.

  24. Thank you!!!!

    Thank GOD. I hadn’t been coming here as often as I used to because I could not stomach them. If they stop getting coverage maybe they’ll go the fuck away already.

    SUCK IT HORSEFACE HEIDI & DOUCHEBAG!

  25. DaddyzGirl

    THANK YOU SUPERFISH!!!

    I no longer have to cleanse my retinas with bleach after every photo of those assclowns…

  26. Slut

    She needs a boob job….look how low that dress is hanging

  27. Aldred

    Now lets try & get every other celeb site to do the same so they can fade away into history where they belong. if no one is buying the pictures, paps will stop following them, they’ll loose the sponsorship & promotion deals, the Hills will ditch them if they seem to be loosing popularity… Just think what a wonderful world it would be!

  28. STEVE

    LONG LIVE PARIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  29. STEVE

    LONG LIVE PARIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  30. Jim

    Thank fucking god! These blogs are the only reason these two have a career. Shut em down

  31. NEC

    Oh, Hell yeah! I came out of hiding for this shit.

  32. Work it Paris! Welcome back.

  33. ummm...yeah

    WTF are you clowns talking about?
    Who the fuck wants to replace those two fucktards with is whory fucktard?
    Jesus!! I say kill them all!!!!
    There has got to be some better class of assholes we can make fun of!!
    Superficial Writers…YOU guys all SUCK the ROOT!!!
    Except for the original Fish! Bring him back asap!!!!!!!

  34. kerry hieber

    thank god!!!!! those two are such a waste of time

  35. paris is a joke

    Can we also get rid of pathetic paris!! Someone just needs to throw her in the trash and save us all!!!!!!!!!

  36. Bunnie

    Thank you, thank you, thank you Superfish.

  37. Steve

    Thank you Superficial Guy.

    This really is a big step, hopefully others follow in your path.

    I can deal with Paris, but those other Aryan fucktards needed to GO!

  38. LinLin

    Haleluyaaa! Looking at those two was really like reliving the worst images of annoying self-appointed popular people since high school and college sororities. I actually like Paris. She’s got style. She’s genuine, even if it entails being a bit dumb. I actually thought she looked like Barbie on these fotos. She’s getting way too skinny though. What’s happening to her? Benji eating all her food? Good for you. I hope Perez does the same. those The Hills people are the ugliest and least talented ‘celebutards” out there.

  39. You stupid mindless white goyim! Do you know what that thing between your shoulders is? IT’S A GOY-KOPF! (goy-head)

    Fish did what he needed to do and sacked the idiot white Aryans. From now on we will have Jews here! Dazzling smart Jews for you to admire and serve, you stupid white goyim, the way the Noahide laws say you should!

    You’re all a bunch of stupid stupid STUPID goyim. You know that don’t you?

  40. DAMN, this is as true as rain is wet:
    “LOSERS ARE EXPECTED TO FIND EACHOTHER HERE”!!

  41. SB

    i dont care what anyone says, when i get into hollywood, im going after Paris. you know she’s a freak.

  42. underpants

    tfg!

  43. I would really like to see Paris reveal her natural brown eyes. Im sure she won’t look much different.

  44. heidi and spencer are the antichrist

    Hooray! Finally! I fucking hate Paris, but she’s a talented goddess compared to those 2.

  45. Even If It Means Looking At Parasite...

    THANK YOU. It’s about time SOMEone stepped up and banned those 2 irrelevant twats from assaulting our eyes and sensibilities.

  46. jmoney

    THANK YOU. seriously, thank you. I am so sick of seeing those two all over the gossip sites- nobody cares about them, so their very presence in the tabs/blogs baffles me, because it’s giving them what they want (publicity) while annoying we citizens who couldn’t care less. I am so excited to never see them again on this site. now, if only Perez Hilton did the same…

  47. stef

    finally! thank you!

  48. Flo

    If you are serious about never posting about Heidi and Spencer again, then thank you very much. I’m so sick of Heidi’s big ass chin!

    P.S. I love your sense of humor.

  49. NEC

    Now that you’ve eliminated twiddle dee and twiddle dumb, We all have to deal with this pile of STD. crabs gonna get cha.

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