Heidi & Spencer, Get Used to This Face: An Open Letter

October 10th, 2008 // 164 Comments

Dear Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt,

I regret to inform you that your dopey mugs will no longer be featured on The Superficial.

After conducting a thoroughly scientific survey where I let people call you assholes, it’s been almost unanimously determined our readers prefer the STD Tower of Lank above over you two. Let me repeat that: PEOPLE WOULD RATHER READ ABOUT PARIS HILTON THAN LOOK AT YOUR FACES. Frankly, I don’t even know how someone accomplishes such a feat, but you two pulled off in spades.

However, to show that I’m not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site:

1. Heidi wears a bikini.
2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally.

I hope at this time you two will respect that democracy has triumphed here today, and I wish you absolutely zero success in your future endeavors. In fact, I started going to church just so I could pray Heidi gets pregnant.

Sincerely,

The Superficial Writer.

P.S. Paris, if you’re reading this, I just FEDEX’d you a steak. EAT IT.

EDIT: This is the real deal, folks. Let it never be said I’m not a good and righteous ruler of the Interwebs.

Photos: Splash News
superficial

  1. bob

    ABOUT FARKING TIME

  2. Sarah

    Spank you (in the most pleasurable way, of course) very much!

  3. Chelsey

    THANK YOU SO MUCH! My love for The Superficial has grown ten–nay, twentyfold.

  4. Thank god.

    Heidi and Spencer are useless, worthless, and a complete waste of space.

  5. Mike

    Thank you! This will show all celebrities with a lack of personality that we aren’t going to take it anymore! If you want to be blogged about, get naked, flash a nipple, something!

  6. BEAM

    Sarah Palin at a Klan rally?? Wha?

    Oh! I get it… cause she’s a conservative! Ha ha! Good one!!!

  7. Kahlee

    Thank you Superficial guy! If this wasn’t one of the most racist and sexist places on the internet outside of the stormfront web site, I think I’d love it!

  8. BriannaBascherini@gmail.com

    her feet are so huge lol

  9. Adam

    LOVES IT!

  10. Lucia

    i think she looks like CRAP…
    and heidi and spencer…EAT IT!

  11. gordo

    good, I cant stand those two!

  12. Flip

    The fish might no longer be funny, but at least he gives the people what they want! And to think I checked back in today out of boredom… what a treat! Let’s hope you stick to it and EVERYBODY else follows suit….

    Maybe there should be a press release or conference….

  13. ben

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

  14. Ari

    Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Hoping others will follow in your footsteps!

  15. Hel

    THANK YOU SUPERFISH!!
    Heidi and Spencer symbolize everything that’s wrong with America. It will be nice not to have to look at them and die on the inside anymore :)

  16. Ari

    Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Hoping others will follow in your footsteps!

  17. OMG thank you!!

    THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

  18. Binky

    Sounds like a good plan Fish.
    Now if you could only do something for this ‘free fall collapse speed’ on the markets.

  19. Pee Wee From Porky's

    I will boycott the superficial and I will NOT go and see The Duchess until Spencer is back in his rightful place on these pages!

    I’ll hit you where it hurts.

  20. Quavis

    It’s about FUCKING TIME! Horse face and shit for brains do not deserve the pub for their fake pics.

  21. BallsDeep

    bless your heart; my rage disorder kicks in every time i see that ‘bag boy Spencer on here… Heidi in a bikini and not some pre-arranged shots either please, then she has that sorry ass expression on her face of “my boyfriend bought me these and you can’t touch them” AAARRRGGGHHHH, there goes the disorder again, gotta go! Just the best!

  22. Smelly Fingers

    Just make sure you make an exception and write about their obituaries should they ever die in a flaming ball of jet fuel and twisted metal, okay?

  23. Ryan the Canadian

    Awesome! No more offensive assclowns……Thank you…..just looking at them made me want to launch my lunch.

  24. JT

    YES! Please get rid of that pair.

  25. lidsay

    OMG, look at those two blondies!!
    you surely reminds me of the hot and sexy cougar I once met on __Agelessmate.c om__ I mean, if you don’t really care about the age, sometimes, you will enjoy somenthing better! kid u no!

  26. rob

    now your talking…lets end their false reign

  27. lidsay

    OMG, look at those two blondes!!
    you surely reminds me of the hot and sexy cougar I once met on === Agelessmate.c o m === I mean, if you don’t really care about the age, sometimes, you will enjoy somenthing better! kid u no!

  28. Christine Hughes

    Will you marry me?

  29. someone you don't know

    I’m so glad to hear this. I’ve really been drifting away from the superficial over the last few months. Maybe this is a sign of change? By the way, when the hell did Paris become attractive???

  30. Tim

    THANK YOU!! I don’t care if Heidi Montag is naked and covered in Pop Rocks, I DON’T WANT TO SEE THIS FUCKING GASH. Really, her and Spencer need to just drift off into obscurity, retroactively, along with their choice of presidential candidates. Heidi has a face only a mother horse could love, and if someone – anyone would just deck Spencer with a knuckle sandwich, I’d be elated. Anyone with the last name of Pratt needs to be deported to, uh, France…yeah…that’s it France! Viva La Fin!

  31. Cisco Adler's Balls

    She looks like a tranny upclose.

  32. Cisco Adler's Balls

    She looks like a tranny upclose.

  33. Hannah

    Just when i thought the earth was spinning of its axis, the Superfish goes and puts it right again. Superfish aka Superman.
    Let it be said though, Superfish, if you reneg on this promise I am going to have to….do something very bad to you…the amount of punishment required for such an offence will take a serious amount of time and planning.

  34. jaime

    what’s with those fucking pop-up links?! they’re new, right?

  35. What’s the real difference between those three?
    O.K.now: paris causes the SHIT by herself and “HEIDI und PETER” are together.
    BUT THERE IS MORE MISERY?

  36. devilsrain

    I dont believe that you wont post those two idiots anymore. If its true great, but I doubt that you can control yourself enough to not post them.

    On a separate note, the wonk eye is looking good.

  37. K

    THIS NEWS HAS MOVED ME TO MAKE MY FIRST POST EVER.

    Thank you for ignoring these two. They are a waste of life.

  38. nari

    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. A thousand times thank you. If I had to look at Prattogs’ vapid, blank faces one more time, I may have thrown myself off a building. Here’s hoping that the entire interwebs follows in your footsteps.

  39. Taco Jack

    And there was much rejoicing.

  40. P.H h8r

    It doesnt matter. she is just as big of an ass clown as those other 2 idiots.

  41. tittlewatt

    I………Love……you…….
    but please please please, for the sake of our new found relationship…don’t post that thing in a bikini…can we just forget about that part???

  42. tittlewatt

    also, if you just happend to forget about paris…i wouldn’t mind, i swear, love!!

  43. Jean

    Her eyes here looks parallel, i mean perfect than what we know of her other eyelids droopier than the other. How did she do that?!

  44. panda

    Fish don’t do that,we need weirdo celebs to talk about

    Britney is ok again,Paris is out of jail and Lindsay is aparently a lesbo mormon or some straight crap like

    don’t force us to talk about Rosie O’Donnel or something worst,like Tila Tequila

  45. I don’t want to see heidi and her douche handbag man unless shes showing nipples or its an upskirt! i dont want to see her in some god damn staged beach bikini outing!!

  46. Rant

    Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey-ey, goodbye.

  47. Stranger

    NICE! Thank you.
    I have no idea why you showed them in the first place…. thought they may have been your retarded cousins and you were giving them special attention.
    Funny Klan reference…. laugh out loud funny!

  48. i could not be any happier that you’ve finally made such a wise choice in getting rid of the plastic people.

    i’d like to add that as your minion, i will serve and protect your sacred title of “righteous ruler of the interwebs”.

  49. The Hunting Goose Squibbley

    This rocks! Thank you.

  50. jahn

    I just came across this site on a girlfriend’s computer…I must say…you people who read this bullshit are some lifeless fucks that need some sort of injection of activity into your lives. It’s pretty sad that you could wast your life reading this garbage and not get out and do some living of your own. But you’ll probably send some post saying how stupid I am cause I don’t get joy from reading about people i’ll never meet, don’t give a fuck about, or want to. Anyways…keep rotting your lives away…try get a little sun…

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