Heidi & Spencer, Get Used to This Face: An Open Letter

October 10th, 2008 // 164 Comments

Dear Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt,

I regret to inform you that your dopey mugs will no longer be featured on The Superficial.

After conducting a thoroughly scientific survey where I let people call you assholes, it’s been almost unanimously determined our readers prefer the STD Tower of Lank above over you two. Let me repeat that: PEOPLE WOULD RATHER READ ABOUT PARIS HILTON THAN LOOK AT YOUR FACES. Frankly, I don’t even know how someone accomplishes such a feat, but you two pulled off in spades.

However, to show that I’m not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site:

1. Heidi wears a bikini.
2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally.

I hope at this time you two will respect that democracy has triumphed here today, and I wish you absolutely zero success in your future endeavors. In fact, I started going to church just so I could pray Heidi gets pregnant.

Sincerely,

The Superficial Writer.

P.S. Paris, if you’re reading this, I just FEDEX’d you a steak. EAT IT.

EDIT: This is the real deal, folks. Let it never be said I’m not a good and righteous ruler of the Interwebs.

Photos: Splash News
superficial

  1. Hunter

    oh geez…

  2. Deva

    It’s about time. First.

  3. CaptainMorgan

    In this hard, negative time, earth stopping events such as this will be remembered as providing the masses with the hope to continue on with their lives….this is history.

  4. CindyC

    God – I hope you mean Heidi NEVER gets pregnant!

  5. PunkA

    I’d rather hit it with the brunette than Paris. She has some nice athletic legs that could hang on for longer. Better ride, tighter fit. Everyone wins.

  6. corndog

    YES

  7. Grymm

    I so agree with what you’ve done here. These two have done absolutely nothing to merit being famous. I’m at a loss to figure out why the media thinks we care about what they do or who they do it to. I very much look forward to not seeing them on this site, unless of course Heidi is naked in some way.

  8. lol “journalist intergrity” more of a concrete reason why theyll be back….

  9. girlstyle

    This is the kind of democracy I can get behind. Paris might be a vapid cesspool of infection but at least she’s got personality. Heidi and Spencer are worse than useless.

  10. Parker

    Praise the lord and pass the pepper steaks. The Douche twins are gone. It’s like Christmas in July. Except it’s October. Oh raputure, oh joy, oh bliss. If only they could now fall off the face of the Earth. I’ll take pictures of their stupid gape-mouthed faces as they plummet to their eternal doom. Then I’ll burn the camera before anyone can develop the film.

  11. boredatwork

    It is about time

  12. Thank you fish dude!!! If I have to see one more picture of Heidi or Spencer’s butt ugly mugs, I was going to shoot myself. The only exception would be if they were decapitated..

    Also, if you find some pictures of Heidi in a bikini, can you Photoshop a bag over her head? Or maybe a trash bag so it looks like she is suffocating..

  13. Mike

    Thank you. I was tired of seeing them.

  14. anonymous

    Can we also get rid of pathetic paris!!!

  15. shirleytemple

    thank fucking god. heidi and spencer were giving me an ulcer.

  16. dethbyrd

    good man.

  17. pirhan

    THANK YOU! Praise all that is good in the world!

  18. teehee

    Oh please, people. We hate them because they’re the most ridiculously fake fame whores. But THAT is what makes them so fascinating. Guess I’ll be checking in on other celebrity blogs more often.

  19. pete

    $100 says H & S will be back on Monday. Not $100 from me, $100 from their agent. To anticlown’s paypal account. Or, as they like to put it: “the usual.”

  20. cassandra

    I sure hope you stay true to your word, motherfucker. I’d rather force toothpicks under my toenails than read about those twats.

  21. I bet the Thai boy in the sweater gives wonderful, eye-contact blowjobs.

    Just sayin.

  22. Oh Parissssssss

    yes, this slut over those two siamese twins anyday. atleast this is somewhat interesting to look at. those two faces make me want to smash their faces with a nailed bat.

  23. Josh

    Hosanna hosanna hosanna

  24. Thanks Fish . . .

    . . . for promising something that we know you won’t keep your word on. I can’t wait for the tantrums when Heidi and Spencer show up again!

    Yank the stupid sheeples’ chains! Yank ‘em again and again and again and again . . .

  25. 10pound

    I love you Mister Fish

  26. ha-ha

    There will be more Heidi and Spencer stories.

    This is one, for example. They could have simply disappeared from the site…but no. They’ll be back, count on it.

  27. thankyougod

    What a relief! I guess if you MUST show the vapid bimbo in her bikini, then fine. Just please, I’m begging you, no shots of the loser boyfriend. His face makes me die inside.

  28. so2315

    Jesus H. Christ!!!! Look at the size of those clod-hoppers in the last 2 photo’s.
    What size shoe does this skank wear? Size 16′s???? Toss her a rope and pull her behind my Baja boat!!

  29. veggi

    Yes, clearly we’re all in agreement – we MUCH PREFER the Obama supporter over the McCain supporters. It’s time to get with the winners.

  30. SD

    No more Heidi and Spencer?
    Man this site keeps getting better every day!!

  31. Wee Hee Eats it

    You are a hero. I said it. Let it be known. You are a hero.

  32. dmoney

    The Klan?!?! Really??? Just because some people don’t believe in socialism doesn’t mean you have to race bait! Pretty PATHETIC!!!

  33. Deuce Bigalow

    Dont toy with us. If you say we NEVER have to see that fuckwad Pratt again YOU BETTER BE SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!

  34. James

    I approve. While there was a certain sick enjoyment from hating those two, I think my life will be better off without seeing them. Heidi in a bikini is, as you say, acceptable – even though the funbags are storebought. Well done, writer, well done.

  35. C Dub baby!!

    Thank you Thank you Thank you :) i’m so glad I don’t have to see Heidi and that Bleached son of a bitch no more yippie!!!!!!!!

    I mean who tha hell has clear facial hair (Spencer retard) that is so Grosss!!

  36. C Dub baby!!

    Thank you Thank you Thank you :) i’m so glad I don’t have to see Heidi and that Bleached son of a bitch no more yippie!!!!!!!!

    I mean who tha hell has clear facial hair (Spencer retard) that is so Grosss!!

  37. uckerfly

    HooRah! Bout time

  38. Mark

    ABOUT TIME!!! Thanks!

  39. NoNikki

    Nice move. Now, can you also NOT show any other photo of that fat cow, Nikki Blonsky? My eyes and my mental health would appreciate it.

  40. Andrew

    Hear, hear. In my opinion, exception 1 is unnecessary…

  41. Derek

    Hmm, I sense a shameless ploy to get their rumored sex tape released.
    Heidi shows up tomorrow in a bikini FOR SURE!

  42. amber

    thank fucking goodness!! Who cares about those two blondies!!

  43. britney's weave

    did i miss something? did we vote on this? wait, who cares. no more of that fucking douchebag SPENCER PRATT. thanks, fish.

  44. Shaun_Zee

    God I hope so. I looked up ‘Douche’ in the dictionary and it had a picture of those two fucking chods.

    Let’s hope that all the other sites follow suit. They’ll be calling you a pioneer for being the first to excommunicate said douche bags my friend!

  45. pat

    Hooray – thank you thank you thank you .
    I do propose exception
    3) Heidi covered in maple syrup in an area frequented by grizzly bears.

  46. danekin

    Thank fuck. I was getting sick of those two idiots. It would be even better if you could eject them from the planet, but this is a start.

  47. Lucy

    THANK THE LORD.

    I will worship the superficial until I die. And possibly after.

  48. Dr. John Blackheart

    “P.S. Paris, if you’re reading this, I just FEDEX’d you a steak. EAT IT”
    this site should win an Emmy for something, I’m a fan.

  49. Fel

    Thank you so bloody much that couple is SOOOOOOOOOO pathetic!! yay!!!

  50. Fel

    Thank you so bloody much that couple is SOOOOOOOOOO pathetic!! yay!!!

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