Dear Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt,
I regret to inform you that your dopey mugs will no longer be featured on The Superficial.
After conducting a thoroughly scientific survey where I let people call you assholes, it’s been almost unanimously determined our readers prefer the STD Tower of Lank above over you two. Let me repeat that: PEOPLE WOULD RATHER READ ABOUT PARIS HILTON THAN LOOK AT YOUR FACES. Frankly, I don’t even know how someone accomplishes such a feat, but you two pulled off in spades.
However, to show that I’m not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site:
1. Heidi wears a bikini.
2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally.
I hope at this time you two will respect that democracy has triumphed here today, and I wish you absolutely zero success in your future endeavors. In fact, I started going to church just so I could pray Heidi gets pregnant.
Sincerely,
The Superficial Writer.
P.S. Paris, if you’re reading this, I just FEDEX’d you a steak. EAT IT.
EDIT: This is the real deal, folks. Let it never be said I’m not a good and righteous ruler of the Interwebs.
Hunter | October 10, 2008 at 4:58 pm
oh geez…
Deva | October 10, 2008 at 4:59 pm
It’s about time. First.
CaptainMorgan | October 10, 2008 at 5:09 pm
In this hard, negative time, earth stopping events such as this will be remembered as providing the masses with the hope to continue on with their lives….this is history.
CindyC | October 10, 2008 at 5:15 pm
God – I hope you mean Heidi NEVER gets pregnant!
PunkA | October 10, 2008 at 5:16 pm
I’d rather hit it with the brunette than Paris. She has some nice athletic legs that could hang on for longer. Better ride, tighter fit. Everyone wins.
corndog | October 10, 2008 at 5:18 pm
YES
Grymm | October 10, 2008 at 5:20 pm
I so agree with what you’ve done here. These two have done absolutely nothing to merit being famous. I’m at a loss to figure out why the media thinks we care about what they do or who they do it to. I very much look forward to not seeing them on this site, unless of course Heidi is naked in some way.
Rough Daddy | October 10, 2008 at 5:24 pm
lol “journalist intergrity” more of a concrete reason why theyll be back….
girlstyle | October 10, 2008 at 5:24 pm
This is the kind of democracy I can get behind. Paris might be a vapid cesspool of infection but at least she’s got personality. Heidi and Spencer are worse than useless.
Parker | October 10, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Praise the lord and pass the pepper steaks. The Douche twins are gone. It’s like Christmas in July. Except it’s October. Oh raputure, oh joy, oh bliss. If only they could now fall off the face of the Earth. I’ll take pictures of their stupid gape-mouthed faces as they plummet to their eternal doom. Then I’ll burn the camera before anyone can develop the film.
boredatwork | October 10, 2008 at 5:28 pm
It is about time
Jimbo | October 10, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Thank you fish dude!!! If I have to see one more picture of Heidi or Spencer’s butt ugly mugs, I was going to shoot myself. The only exception would be if they were decapitated..
Also, if you find some pictures of Heidi in a bikini, can you Photoshop a bag over her head? Or maybe a trash bag so it looks like she is suffocating..
Mike | October 10, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Thank you. I was tired of seeing them.
anonymous | October 10, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Can we also get rid of pathetic paris!!!
shirleytemple | October 10, 2008 at 5:39 pm
thank fucking god. heidi and spencer were giving me an ulcer.
dethbyrd | October 10, 2008 at 5:41 pm
good man.
pirhan | October 10, 2008 at 5:46 pm
THANK YOU! Praise all that is good in the world!
teehee | October 10, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Oh please, people. We hate them because they’re the most ridiculously fake fame whores. But THAT is what makes them so fascinating. Guess I’ll be checking in on other celebrity blogs more often.
pete | October 10, 2008 at 5:50 pm
$100 says H & S will be back on Monday. Not $100 from me, $100 from their agent. To anticlown’s paypal account. Or, as they like to put it: “the usual.”
cassandra | October 10, 2008 at 5:51 pm
I sure hope you stay true to your word, motherfucker. I’d rather force toothpicks under my toenails than read about those twats.
Rough Daddy | October 10, 2008 at 5:54 pm
I bet the Thai boy in the sweater gives wonderful, eye-contact blowjobs.
Just sayin.
Oh Parissssssss | October 10, 2008 at 5:55 pm
yes, this slut over those two siamese twins anyday. atleast this is somewhat interesting to look at. those two faces make me want to smash their faces with a nailed bat.
Josh | October 10, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Hosanna hosanna hosanna
Thanks Fish . . . | October 10, 2008 at 5:58 pm
. . . for promising something that we know you won’t keep your word on. I can’t wait for the tantrums when Heidi and Spencer show up again!
Yank the stupid sheeples’ chains! Yank ‘em again and again and again and again . . .
10pound | October 10, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I love you Mister Fish
ha-ha | October 10, 2008 at 6:00 pm
There will be more Heidi and Spencer stories.
This is one, for example. They could have simply disappeared from the site…but no. They’ll be back, count on it.
thankyougod | October 10, 2008 at 6:01 pm
What a relief! I guess if you MUST show the vapid bimbo in her bikini, then fine. Just please, I’m begging you, no shots of the loser boyfriend. His face makes me die inside.
so2315 | October 10, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Jesus H. Christ!!!! Look at the size of those clod-hoppers in the last 2 photo’s.
What size shoe does this skank wear? Size 16′s???? Toss her a rope and pull her behind my Baja boat!!
veggi | October 10, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Yes, clearly we’re all in agreement – we MUCH PREFER the Obama supporter over the McCain supporters. It’s time to get with the winners.
SD | October 10, 2008 at 6:17 pm
No more Heidi and Spencer?
Man this site keeps getting better every day!!
Wee Hee Eats it | October 10, 2008 at 6:26 pm
You are a hero. I said it. Let it be known. You are a hero.
dmoney | October 10, 2008 at 6:27 pm
The Klan?!?! Really??? Just because some people don’t believe in socialism doesn’t mean you have to race bait! Pretty PATHETIC!!!
Deuce Bigalow | October 10, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Dont toy with us. If you say we NEVER have to see that fuckwad Pratt again YOU BETTER BE SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!
James | October 10, 2008 at 6:40 pm
I approve. While there was a certain sick enjoyment from hating those two, I think my life will be better off without seeing them. Heidi in a bikini is, as you say, acceptable – even though the funbags are storebought. Well done, writer, well done.
C Dub baby!! | October 10, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Thank you Thank you Thank you :) i’m so glad I don’t have to see Heidi and that Bleached son of a bitch no more yippie!!!!!!!!
I mean who tha hell has clear facial hair (Spencer retard) that is so Grosss!!
C Dub baby!! | October 10, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Thank you Thank you Thank you :) i’m so glad I don’t have to see Heidi and that Bleached son of a bitch no more yippie!!!!!!!!
I mean who tha hell has clear facial hair (Spencer retard) that is so Grosss!!
uckerfly | October 10, 2008 at 6:48 pm
HooRah! Bout time
Mark | October 10, 2008 at 6:51 pm
ABOUT TIME!!! Thanks!
NoNikki | October 10, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Nice move. Now, can you also NOT show any other photo of that fat cow, Nikki Blonsky? My eyes and my mental health would appreciate it.
Andrew | October 10, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Hear, hear. In my opinion, exception 1 is unnecessary…
Derek | October 10, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Hmm, I sense a shameless ploy to get their rumored sex tape released.
Heidi shows up tomorrow in a bikini FOR SURE!
amber | October 10, 2008 at 7:14 pm
thank fucking goodness!! Who cares about those two blondies!!
britney's weave | October 10, 2008 at 7:19 pm
did i miss something? did we vote on this? wait, who cares. no more of that fucking douchebag SPENCER PRATT. thanks, fish.
Shaun_Zee | October 10, 2008 at 7:20 pm
God I hope so. I looked up ‘Douche’ in the dictionary and it had a picture of those two fucking chods.
Let’s hope that all the other sites follow suit. They’ll be calling you a pioneer for being the first to excommunicate said douche bags my friend!
pat | October 10, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Hooray – thank you thank you thank you .
I do propose exception
3) Heidi covered in maple syrup in an area frequented by grizzly bears.
danekin | October 10, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Thank fuck. I was getting sick of those two idiots. It would be even better if you could eject them from the planet, but this is a start.
Lucy | October 10, 2008 at 7:30 pm
THANK THE LORD.
I will worship the superficial until I die. And possibly after.
Dr. John Blackheart | October 10, 2008 at 7:47 pm
“P.S. Paris, if you’re reading this, I just FEDEX’d you a steak. EAT IT”
this site should win an Emmy for something, I’m a fan.
Fel | October 10, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Thank you so bloody much that couple is SOOOOOOOOOO pathetic!! yay!!!
Fel | October 10, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Thank you so bloody much that couple is SOOOOOOOOOO pathetic!! yay!!!