Heidi Montag’s mouth is a fountain o’ stupid

April 15th, 2008 // 69 Comments

Heidi Montag stopped by yesterday’s TRL and decided to show off her rhyming skills for Nelly (video after the jump). Heidi’s fake breasts came to the rescue by distracting Nelly enough that he didn’t beat her to death with his microphone. Had it been me, I would’ve closed my eyes and started swinging. I figure I’d at least connect with her chin if nothing else which, actually, wouldn’t even require lifting my arms.

NOTE: The video was obviously recorded via some dude aiming a camcorder at his TV which, ironically, makes it light-years beyond Heidi Montag’s music video.

Photos: Getty Images
superficial

  1. bar room hero

    She needs to go away…

  2. Oh please please PLEASE let me go home early so I can see the video!!!!!! I’m DYING!!

    Son of a BITCH! (paper jam)

  3. Pokey McSlapp

    On behalf of white people everywhere, I sincerely apologize for Heidi Montag. Our bad.

  4. Nelly wasn’t distracted. He was planning to rape her after the show and then rob her. Didn’t you notice his skin color?

  5. King Wang

    Even stupid people “get” her stupid……..so stupid.

    I bet Forrest Gump would even punch her in that Jay Leno transplant.

    Did you say Nelly? Who?

    Oh yeah, some kind of rap gimp. Good for him/her/shit (She, He, or It).

    Was I supposed to watch that clip? I need to get paid for that shit.

  6. Conscience_Found

    Brown eyed blondes = whores

  7. Tanya

    When is she going to DIE!?

  8. It's Britney Bitches

    Ouch. That was…….embarrassing. Why does she keep setting herself up for ridicule??

  9. Sara

    LOL @ 8

  10. Greasy Weezel

    Any woman who would go through the trouble of giving me big, fake boobs and blonde hair-from-a-bottle is OK in my book.

  11. leilla

    #8, ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!! Nice one.

  12. restingonlaurels

    i hate it when there are posts about this girl! am i the only one who has never seen “the hills” and has no intention of seeing it?

  13. Charlton Heston

    Why is she talking to that damn dirty ape?

  14. coffebean

    She is so beautiful and classy. She couldn’t be any more interesting or innocent. She is definately the dream of every hetro male in America. I absolutely adore her.

  15. Jessie

    Say what you will, but at least she’s not dumb enough to support Obama or Hillary. Compared to their supporters, she’s Einstein.

  16. Chumpleteer

    Charlton Heston-

    Please remember we need Apes. Hands and all.

    After all, who will work my fucking cotton fields? Mexicans? Fuck, they are too lazy except to grab that welfare check and protest my legal ass……….

    And you dickheads, I am not racist, I will sign a contract saying that I will use only, “Really lame wannabe gangsta’s”.

    Or, Free Range Gangsters for you food freaks.

  17. Sambo the Ass Pirate

    it’s getting to the point where i want to see her naked just to find the string you pull to make her talk.

  18. j@cko

    Well unfortunately the only thing she couldn’t get surgery on was the brain!

  19. Heidi Montag's anus

    pffffffffft…pfft pfft pfft pbpbp

    PTHBPTHBPTHBPTHB PLOP PLOP PLOP SPLATTER!!!!!! SQUIRT SPLASH PTHBPTHBPTHB!!!

    pfffft

  20. Quinn

    she flows like a leaky prostate??
    That made me laugh.
    I love retarded blonds.

  21. jcastanza

    Why does she need to go away? I guess I’m the only one who is never watched a single second of whatever show she is on, and that must be the root of the hatred. Because I’m pretty sure she’s one of the top 3 hottest female celebs out there right now!

  22. Lindsay

    “YOU SUCK HEIDI” rofl who the fuck filmed that? a 5 year old?

  23. combustion8

    jesus, that horse face and those spectacular tits… so confusing.

  24. Jim

    The Superficial used to be a little different from other celebrity gossip sites, because a fairly large minority of the male commenters were straight. If you look around all the other sites, you’ll see most of the guys are gay, which is not exactly surprising. But judging by recent comments about obviously extremely hot girls (from the perspective of heterosexual guys), the Fish has become like all the others. NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. But I liked it better before the overall tone became predominantly gay.

  25. Superevil

    I’m a little suspicious of all these Heidi “fans” on here. Heidi please get back to being a waste of hair dye and oxygen or better yet PLEASE PLEASE kill yourself. You’re worthless and frankly everyone is tired of seeing your horse face on TV.

    P.S. Tell Audrina to call me, I’ve got 9 inches of dick to swing at her and she looks like she needs it.

  26. Orange

    Am I the only one who thinks it’s wrong to make fun of the mentally challenged?

  27. teddy

    someones into half moon faces *points up*

  28. nipolian

    #27 Jim:
    Here ya go dude:

    The Code:

    A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

    A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

    A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

    A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

    A Retrosexual doesn’t worry about living to be 90.  It’s not how long you live, but how well. If you’re 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

    A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.  Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

    A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he’s 30 years old.

    A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.  This falls under the “DEAL WITH IT” portion of The Code.

    A Retrosexual watches no TV show with “Queer” in the title.

    A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

    A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women.  Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little wuss, and in the long run, she won’t like it.

    A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn’t pay you enough attention.  Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

    A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
    conceal himself from prey.

    A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie — and ONLY a Windsor knot.

    A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

    A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can’t hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can — or be rightfully ridiculed for the pansy wuss you are.

    A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear; guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it’s just plain fun to shoot.

    Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry
    include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

    When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that a Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted “you punks” look on his face.

    A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation.  He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

    A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship – i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

    A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

    A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.

    A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.  Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.

    A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt’s). NOTE: The person  in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

    A Retrosexual man doesn’t need a contract — a handshake is good enough.  He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

    A Retrosexual man doesn’t immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

    And I am PROUD to be a Retrosexual Male !

  29. Chumpleteer

    I got it!

    She is so stupid, she probably shits stupid.

    And considering she is so stupid she can barely turn food into shit………….

    Someon slap her in the cocksucker already……Nelly??

    Damn, I thought “gangsta rappers” were all into Pimpin’ the Ho’s…….

  30. havoc

    Damn, are chin implants the hottest thing in Hollyweird now?

    Bewteen this chick (whoever the fuck she is), Rob Lowe and Hulk Hogan’s daughter/clone, they make Jay Leno look,well, normal.

    .

  31. NumNuts

    Will someobdy please stick their dick in her mouth to shut her up!

  32. whaddya mean, "gay"?

    I had to use the john. Pat, I didn’t know his name at
    the time, suddenly appeared and stood in front of the
    urinal beside me. He had ignored the many others there.
    We were alone.

    “You ok?” he asked and then added “you look angry”.
    Hell I had to talk to someone, and I spilled my guts
    to him. He sympathized and listened. He told me I was
    right, I had a right to be pissed off, that my sister
    must be a bitch.

    And then he put his hands on my shoulder.

    I shuddered. Nobody had ever comforted me that way. I
    cried. And I was in his arms, feeling foolish but
    crying nevertheless. I cried because my sister didn’t
    love me the way I loved her, my parents didn’t seem
    to care what was going on, my fears about being queer
    complicated things and everything else that a teenager
    goes through.

    He kissed me on the cheek and then my mouth. And I was
    suddenly kissing like I saw men and women do on TV.
    My mind raced, rationalized, questioned and tried to
    label what we were doing.

    But my gut was on fire, my dick was hard, my lips
    hungry and my body thrilled. Pat’s hands were inside
    my shirt and pants. Mine were inside his. We moved to
    the back stall and with our shirts and pants wide
    opened, we fumbled until we found ways to give each
    other pleasure.

    I ran away, pulling my pants up and buttoning my shirt
    so my buttons didn’t align with my button holes. I
    wasn’t ashamed, I was scared. My underwear was wet with
    the sperm Pat and I had expelled.

    I loved it..but didn’t know what it was. I finally
    slept..and dreamed of other boys I knew and Pat’s
    face was now a part of these dreams.

  33. Chumpleteer

    I would suggest electroshock, and some serious fucking Dramamine usage #35.

    Either that, or pull your dick out the blender, you know that shit isn’t right………

  34. Only Black People can rhyme

    We white person are thoroughly incapable which is why most of history’s great poets were black. Shakespeare was Nigerian in truth. Poe was actually a slave. As far back as we can remember black people have exhibited there amazing verbal/linguistic skills and the white man has stolen them.

    Support mo betta Ebonics

  35. sameshitdifferentyear

    My opinion might change if I were to see the video posted here, but her legs-and-ass shots from yesterday are still impairing my judgment about this female idiot.

    This chick has one Hot Killer Body.

    No, I don’t like the Saturday-Morning-Cartoon nose she has now,
    I caught some reruns of that hills show the other day and her real
    nose was just fine – WTF is wrong with people these days

    And no I don’t like her Nerf Brand Titties, why didn’t she just let herself be slim and hot

    Another case of extreme low self-esteem manifesting in plastic, and #6 in my experiences you are right on (but only for really really white girls)

    Some comments yesterday about her are puzzling – there are guys who
    wouldn’t want a pretty-hot chick with super-low self-esteem,
    a worker who will tirelessly seek approval – translation An Earner -
    and then comes right back to you at night for validation -
    I don’t get it guys

  36. Randal

    Not bad for giving hop hip a try considering she’s never attempted it before. Her laugh is magical, seemingly coming from her mouth in joyous waves; very natural. Loving her french manicured nails.

    My favorite part of the clip was the high pitched voice saying “You suck Nelly!” Haha. Too true… too true indeed.

    Randal

  37. S

    You can’t make this shit up! Heidi, your 15 minutes is up!

  38. Jamie's Uterus

    #13..I’ve never seen ‘the hills’ either or any other fake crap reality show on MTV. I hear a lot about this bitch, and few others from those shows and could care less. Now, if they have a sex tape that includes someone pissing on them, then I’m there to humiliate as needed.

  39. 23apples

    Heidi Montag’s mad rapping skills aside, who the hell video taped that, and why? And why would you ever wish to release it to Youtube? What was wrong with his/her/it’s voice? Something was so very wrong with what I just watched.

  40. Jen

    She was prettier without all the plastic. Now she’s horrid looking.

  41. InternetToughGUy

    This chick is smoking hot. Her face could use improvement, but she is far from ugly as sin like some of you pickle chuggers are suggesting. Give me a break. You’ve either never been laid by a female or you have no testosterone in your body.

  42. Superevil

    #45, Hey Spence, when are you gonna come out of the closet?

  43. jesse b. quick

    What’s wrong with her nose???

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  45. aja

    Vapid, ugly and worthless, like most ‘ celebrities’ nowadays. Fuck this dumb American media circus. What a joke our enertainment world has become.

  46. BoboTed

    @#16- go kill yourself and do humanity a favor. Did you know Einstein was a SOCIALIST?? He would have been an Obama supporter and told that senile geriatric McCain to go FUCk himself.

    Montag is typical of the brainless, useless, selfish, materialistic floozies that support Repug candidates.

  47. BoboTed

    @#31- Go fuck a goat. Don’t tell people how they should behave.

    A retrosexual is basically a dumbfuck hick that needs to own guns and tools to compensate for their little dick and suppressed homoerotic desires.

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