Heidi Montag wrote another movie

April 12th, 2010 // 124 Comments

While you’d just assume Heidi Montag spends 98% of her time waxing her jugs outside my bedroom window, it’s more like 85% because she’s apparently churning out screenplays like Stephen King on coke. Us Magazine reports:

“I’m writing a movie right now. It’s very action packed,” the bikini-clad reality star, 23, told UsMagazine.com Sunday at the opening of the Liquid Pool Lounge at Las Vegas’ Aria Resort & Casino.
“It’s Bourne-meets-Barbie,” adds Montag, referring to Matt Damon’s action flicks. Montag would would “of course” play the starring role.
“I’ve trained in knife fighting and guns for over two years with one of the founding members of Saw, [who] was [in] the original Delta Force. So I’ve been shooting and practicing the whole real-life action figure for years,” she said. “So I’m very excited to have action roles.”

I’m going to be completely honest with you: I would stab my grandmother in the neck just to read one of Heidi’s screenplays. Mostly because I want to see this dialog happen:

ARMY MAN
This bomb needs not to explode so much, Heidi Bourne
who is like Matt Damon in that movie.

HEIDI BOURNE
Help me point my boobs at my boobs
to make bomb stop with my boobs.

ARMY MAN
You're prettier than Lauren Conrad.

superficial

  1. SO RIGHT

    The boobs are way too ridiculous and huge! Ugh! What is wrong with these women??? She would look so much better with 2 sizes smaller. Now she looks like that ugly COCO person. They don’t get that they become charicatures of themselves.

  2. GoonieGooGoo

    granted she was annoying as hell before….but at least she was hot.

    10-surgery Montag looks not only old but weird…….

  3. gesi

    Ok…plastic’s been done. Ass? Check? Smokin’ artificial body? Yup. Is porn in the near future? She seems to be primed.

  4. she needs to show that ass more, shes got an ass from heaven

  5. thomasjefferson

    Anyone pretending they wouldn’t masturbate to this movie is pathetic.

  6. PostmortemG

    “If I wanted a female with fat lips I would punch her in the mouth.”

    Ha! That being typed – *ASS*!!! *ASS*!!! *ASS*!!! *ASS*!!! *ASS*!!! I seriously don´t mind this woman being stuck in her own little world. Her scripts are so fucked up and surreal, i might actually enjoy watching her movies, should they ever be made. This lady has my approval. =D

  7. Ben

    That was a really funny post dude. The movie script is hilarious

  8. That’s a nice, plump little booty you got there Heidi!

  9. weirdo

    I would bury my face so far into her ass crack it would take a huge fart to dislodge it. God how I’d love to stick my prick into her stinkhole!

  10. AnaBleue

    is that a dildo?

  11. Peter Griffin says...

    All those surgeries…and now her ass is getting bigger. That’s the one part of her body that isn’t plastic because it was starting to get a little rotund last fall.

  12. Nuz

    she is five-feet four inches of stacked plastic fuck

  13. worship

    say what you want but she’s beautiful. of course some of us are dick suckers and ugly pigs so go figure :/

  14. Skippy

    What an UGLY PIG!

  15. Kelley

    I’m with # 62 … how can this “chick” possibly think she looks good, for fuck’s sake she can’t even smile properly anymore due to the plastic … *wretch*

  16. justifiable

    #33 You have it backwards – she wants to make them even bigger in future. But if she did change her mind, reducing breasts with implants this big (they’re DDD now and yes, I really hate that I actually know this) means you look like a big old mess. You either live with the resulting saggy and stretched out boob tissue when they reduce the implant, or you end up doing what a lot of women who’ve had a massive weight loss do – have your stretched-out breasts reduced. That means repositioning the nipple and removing excess tissue, which means a big old scar running from the nip down to the underside.

    #9 Wait, I’m confused. If she takes off her breasts and throws them at the baddies and they detonate, saving us all, doesn’t that also mean no sequel? It’s not like the aliens in “Men In Black” – those puppies don’t grow back immediately.

    On the other hand, if somehow Spencer Pratt is killed onset during this one, then fuck the sequel.

  17. Helen

    I may be wrong, but is that girl under the beach ball fixing her glasses or throwing the bird?

  18. Rabbit

    I want to lick her from head to toe!
    Damn I love you Heidi!

  19. timmy the dying boy

    Jesus H. Christ she is a waste of space! Look at pic #8, you can sort of see the seam where her right one has been welded on.

  20. SATAN

    in most cases, people go through plastic surgery in order to appear younger.

    since this chick’s gone under the knife she actually looks about 10 years older.

  21. rachel

    she is so disgusting. i feel so uncomfortable.

  22. Betty

    Is it just me, or is she starting to look more and more like Spencer…or IS it Spencer….hmmmmmmm

  23. Lucky Breaks

    #70 I definately agree with you.. but come on guys.. she needs to write roles for herself because no one else will LOL. I feel bad for her though, she’s gotta have a few screws loose in the head.

  24. Maximus

    She used to be somewhat attractive.
    Now she’s horrifying.
    The plastic surgeon who agreed to — and executed — the procedures that yielded this should have his license revoked.

  25. KumaTenshi

    For someone who says she can’t jog anymore due to her unknown bust size, I don’t understand how she keeps thinking she can be in action movies…..not to mention, oooooo, gun training?? Knife fighting?? REALLY??? Holy f*!*ing shit, no way!!!

    She clearly does not realize that the days of action movies being just about using guns to blow shit up are gone.

  26. tony romo

    what in the hell is that thing in her face? bad surgery?

  27. Mr. big

    What does she offer the world if she isn’t going to be naked?

    Oh yeah, we all get to laugh at her.

  28. jay

    She kinda reminds me of that Movie SURROGATES with BRUCE WILLIS
    The one that everyone looked perfect, she looks like the perfect models

    I so wish she did porn
    I really do

  29. jaybay

    She kinda reminds me of that Movie SURROGATES with BRUCE WILLIS
    The one that everyone looked perfect, she looks like the perfect models

    I so wish she did porn

  30. turd da third

    totally gross…….She is looking very kard-ass-ian…uggggg

  31. gator

    Her ass is HUGE. It’s too bad she didnt do something about her ass, it’s gross. She has a real puffy face too. I hope she gets more sstuff done cause there’s a couple things that kind of ruin her looks… like her big ass, her short legs and her face. Maybe her face is still puffed up from surgery. I hope it gets healed up for her cuz it’s not too pretty.

  32. blarg

    HA! she looks like shauna sand with down syndrome…..they put her face back on crooked….oops. and yeah those are ass implants. does that count as 2 of the 10 procedures she had in one day? ….you know…one for each cheek?

  33. I don’t know what is wrong with Heidi and what she has made to herself . The side effects of excessive cosmetic surgery have made her body as well as face ugly . Really she is looking like a dumb plastic person . I think real beauty is god gifted and humans should not spoil it by doing such things .

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  37. ed

    btw it looks like she’s holding a dildo in her left hand in the two pics where she is blowing bubbles. her bod rocks, period.

  38. v-tard

    Wasn’t it Nietzsche who said “If you stare too deeply at dat ass, dat ass stares deeply back at you”?

    Picture 1. Just sayin’.

  39. captain america

    getoutahere!!
    …………..are you absolute sure she can write & read?

  40. Gando

    I guess she wouldn’t mind to do her own stunts.Since she’s all the way around protected by airbags.

  41. Bellatrix

    She’s been training for “over two years” and has ‘been shooting and practicing the whole real-life action figure for years,”. How did she fit her filming schedule for the reality show, launch a music career, start a fashion line, promote a bunch of products and get a complete body makeover in the mean time?

  42. Rhialto

    I could imagine her in a movie of epic proportions.With her monster boobs next to the Kraken.

  43. turd da third

    I hope she has AAA cuz it looks like one of those puppies is gonna pop…. she will need to have someone come in a truck and take the spare out or her ass so she can go back out in public again to make it home for more surgeries….

    what a sick and pathetic hosebag..

  44. cc

    In pics 10 and 16 you can really see how ridiculously she altered her proportions. She went way overboard. How does she do so much ab work with those melons on her chest?

  45. Allie

    I just don’t think she has any idea how bad she looks. She looks so puffy and her boobs are way too big. She looks like a trashy porn star. It’s such a shame because I remember seeing her for the first time when she had a small part on Laguna Beach, and even though she wasn’t “perfect”, at least she looked natural. Now she just looks like a fake bimbo. If I ever met her I would speak slowly to her because she looks plain dumb. I think she was even good looking in her music video “Higher” even though I think she had already had some work done, but this, this is pushing way too far. She will never look classy again, no matter what she puts on, how she styles her hair, how she does her make-up. Her face is ruined, I hope for her own sake that she gets those boobs reduced.

  46. joseph adenuga

    she would make a very popular porn star. that is all i will say.

  47. nini

    nose, lips, chin, butt implants, boob job, hip injections…what HASNT she done?

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