Heidi Montag wrote another movie

April 12th, 2010 // 124 Comments

While you’d just assume Heidi Montag spends 98% of her time waxing her jugs outside my bedroom window, it’s more like 85% because she’s apparently churning out screenplays like Stephen King on coke. Us Magazine reports:

“I’m writing a movie right now. It’s very action packed,” the bikini-clad reality star, 23, told UsMagazine.com Sunday at the opening of the Liquid Pool Lounge at Las Vegas’ Aria Resort & Casino.
“It’s Bourne-meets-Barbie,” adds Montag, referring to Matt Damon’s action flicks. Montag would would “of course” play the starring role.
“I’ve trained in knife fighting and guns for over two years with one of the founding members of Saw, [who] was [in] the original Delta Force. So I’ve been shooting and practicing the whole real-life action figure for years,” she said. “So I’m very excited to have action roles.”

I’m going to be completely honest with you: I would stab my grandmother in the neck just to read one of Heidi’s screenplays. Mostly because I want to see this dialog happen:

This bomb needs not to explode so much, Heidi Bourne
who is like Matt Damon in that movie.

Help me point my boobs at my boobs
to make bomb stop with my boobs.

You're prettier than Lauren Conrad.


  1. Que

    Que uninterest.

  2. apricot

    fucking ugly bitch

  3. Attention Whore

    Plastic and stupid too boot…

  4. terry

    She is super lush and hot!

  5. KIKI

    Love the screenplay Fish. I smell a razzie in your future.

  6. cc

    Well, it’s been a good run for “The Godfather”, etc. but their reign is almost over.

  7. Pernacchia

    Rubber boobs and a fat ass.

  8. Parker

    I hate myself for loving her ass and wanting to bury my penis inside it.

  9. Ian

    Maybe it’ll feature a seductive female character who detaches her huge false breasts and lobs them like hand-grenades, killing the baddies.

    ‘Boob Thrower …. starring Heidi Montag and Matt Damon.’ That’s a franchise right there.

  10. Kelly

    YAY! Updated post of Heidi.
    LOVE IT.
    Taking these pictures to a plastic surgeon…. STAT!

  11. Deacon Jones

    Looks like she got butt implants….

  12. jamie

    wow even if it’s gonna be crap good on her for committing to a project like that

  13. Sam

    Did she get butt implants too?

  14. Joe

    I don’t care if its fake. Gawd she is hot… And what’s up with all the complaining about her face? It looks just fine! I;m in lust for the first time in my day!!!

  15. OTP

    Nobody gives a shit about this ugly whore.

  16. Dn

    @ 11
    I’ve got a butt implant for her.

  17. Jerry Falwell

    What an awesome ass! But at least she has a nice butt.

  18. KIKI

    @9 Ian, Ha! Thanks. Do you think Matt Damon would really star in a Heidi written production?

  19. susna

    Her face is so plastic and awful…. i´m sorry for her, she is so fuck up!!!

  20. Brad

    This is one of your funniest in a while, Superficial Guy.

  21. Carlo

    Hate that I want to bury my face in her ass!!!! That thing is amazing. Boobs, whatever, see lots of nice fake ones and don’t mind them but it’s the ass that I can’t get over. It’s just huge and ready to explode…hopefully not on my face but I’d take the chance.

  22. Mr. Sweden

    So they transplanted a toaster into her ass, great.

  23. BiJenni

    Gotta give a gal props when she deserves them! I’d LUV to hit that ass with my strap on!!! <3<3<3

  24. Big boobs are always the focus of attention. I think she may be smart after all

  25. cc

    Knife fighting? Is that they are calling plastic surgery now?

  26. Ego

    Vapid or not, Heidi 2.0 is fucking hot and I’d like to keep her chained in my basement as my “plaything” .. just sayin

  27. dee

    what an insecure woman to have had so much work done and STILL not being happy with it. would look better if the tits weren’t so large and bolted on. gotta admit, i dig her abs

  28. kitty_kat

    Knife fighting? She’d better be careful not to pop her overinflated boobs or ass.

  29. sasha

    She looks like one of those old playmates Hef bring back in a nostalgia issue. They always look like they’re held up by wires and tape.

  30. jonny

    such a shame – she obviously has some kind of body dismorphia to think ‘this’ looks better than previous ?

    them boobs are like comedy balloons.

  31. ASSinine

    Best body on this site ever!!!!!

  32. Hey

    The founder of saw… The story line that kills when you give into your biggest temptation & sin and indulge in selfish acts.. Where was his advice when she went under the knife a billion times. By the way, Ms montag, did you know you look disgusting?

  33. bab

    Yup, her eyebrows are too thin. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but that’s what looks wrong with her face.

    I think she’s planing on eventually taking the breasts down a few sizes, but for now they are getting her a lot of attention.

  34. Mr. Nice Guy

    Like ” I laugh at you skanks” said about Heidi on another posting-
    The girl is beautiful. You whores and (gays) here are insane with jealousy and I love it! Enhanced or not she is the hottest chick on this site.
    All True.

  35. zuzuspetals

    Too bad that plastic surgeon couldn’t insert some brain tissue that actually works.

  36. Buzz LongYear

    Women, If you don’t learn to be a lot nicer to Heidi and the men who love her type, in 15 year some smart guy WILL start to sell Heidi robots, and you will all be kicked to the curbed.

    Then you can all sit around telling each other how shallow we men are. We men will be much happier not listening to you bitching.

    101 Rules

  37. arealcad

    Andy Sidaris already did this back in the 80′s and 90′s with his Bullets, Bombs and Babes series of low budget films.

  38. joho777

    This so-called script is conclusive proof that some of that 100 lbs. of silicone has migrated indo Heidi’s brain.

  39. Supertron

    When does she hit bottom and start on the porn circuit?

  40. straight guy

    She should’ve left her face alone. That is a damn good ass enhancement she got!
    That being said, doggy(sp?) style with her would be quite pleasurable!

  41. TekMoney

    She definitely got her ass enhanced too. But I bet the same people that diss Kim K claiming she’s fake think THIS chunk of plastic is hot, LOL. Pics 10 and 12 are classic… forget the brown paper bag over the head, chop that fucking thing off!

  42. KIKI

    @ That is ok Buzzlightyear, we don’t want you in the gene pool anyway. You keep spilling that seed in your sock while you watch porn featuring such good looking women as Heidi. Your robot is being built right now.

  43. AmericanWhiteTrash

    Please look at me. Please give me attention. I am desperate for it..

  44. Cartman

    She definitely fucked up her face. I hate that “duck lips” thing all the whores are having done to their faces. If I wanted a female with fat lips I would punch her in the mouth.

  45. She is more porn than Kendra and most of the actual porn stars. So fake.

  46. e

    does this fugly nobody own this site?
    i dont understand why she gets all this attention.

  47. justasomebody

    Unfortunately that face is on that body. Her body looks good after the surgeries… but her face…. I dont think there is anything that can fix that mess!

  48. Ctulhu

    From her stomach down to her feet I think she’s perfect.

  49. Girl

    Did you really just reuse these pictures for another post about this cunt?? Disappointed :(((

  50. Mike


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