Heidi Montag will do well in porn

May 12th, 2009 // 113 Comments

Above is Heidi Montag’s new music video for “Black Out,” and it’s entirely her writhing around in a bikini again. At least she’s consistent. That said, If you don’t watch this thing, preferably with the sound off, and see a bright future in porn for Heidi, congratulations, you’re Amish. Now get off the devil box before you doom the harvest. I have spoken!

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  1. Megan

    I hate you so much right now.

  2. janna

    this fucking sucks.

  3. emily

    god, she sucks.

  4. Jennyjenjen

    I made it 1 minute 27 seconds. World record for actually listening to a Heidi Montag video.

  5. dk

    Thanks for that asshole, that lunch was expensive! Now you clean up the freaking mess!

  6. Moose

    I think I would hate her less if she would actually try to make these videos good. God, that hurt my ears.

  7. Suzy

    That sucked – what is with that huge chin.

    Hey Superficial Writer. Why the hell did you have to fucking buy into that ad that links words within your typing. I hate all these blue words that are double underlined. *tear I keep accidently clicking them….oh you jerk. I hope you are rich because your fucking page – albeit better than working – is fucking LOADED DOWN with advertisements. :(

  8. Da Beck

    Doom the harvest :D

  9. lizzy

    i had to watch this on mute because i’m at work…
    and i fast forwarded it a whole bunch…

    tell me, did i really miss anything?

    she is such a fucking loser, it’s painful.

  10. Eleanor

    Wow. I was only able to take 26 seconds of that. With the sound off.

  11. Premature Ejaculate

    her body looks amazing. stop hating.

  12. xixiwitch

    As long as I mute the music and try not to look at her face, man she is sexy!

  13. Jess

    made it about a minute in with the sound off. did it give anyone else motion sickness?

  14. sam

    This is the WORST “MUSIC” EVER.

    I listened to about ten seconds, fast forwarded, it was even worse. I happened to stop at 1:30. Take a look at that point and if you still don’t see porn, there is something wrong with you.

  15. I’m glad I have no sound here at work.

  16. Krassy McKrass

    I enjoyed it thoroughly without sound.

    I guess in real life she needs tube steak to keep her hushed.

  17. Tsk tsk. They never give up do they?

  18. LEB

    I wonder what her husband thinks about all this….

  19. Rick

    The timing is all off. Not the song – that’s what “mute” is for – but here on this site. You can’t send out the Sodomy Signal to mobilize all the homos in the last story and then ask them to appreciate a nice bikini body in the very next story – their rage only deepens, as it taps into humiliations from the teenage years. You have to understand, that’s where the whole “I demand that you say WE’RE NORMAL!” drive comes from, or otherwise it seems, you know, abnormal.

  20. Mike Hawk

    Brilliant Direction. Cut to close up, cut to close up, cut to close up, cut to close up cut to close up, not to mention the location scouting, pool on a beach(?), piece of rope, hammock. The cut to black was unexpected and thrilling, back to hammock.
    Gold.

  21. BEAM

    Heidi and Spencer > Andy Kaufman.

  22. jynx

    that song licks cows’ cunt. Follow the above advice and listen without sound off.

  23. Kyle

    Yes, the music sucks and this girl can’t sing.

    Let’s be honest though: neither can Britney and she’s hugely famous (and famously huge). Let’s just hope old horse face here never gets together with some really good marketing people, song writers, and choreographers or we’re doomed to see her everywhere.

  24. please kill me

    She is a no-talent assclown.

    Did Spencer direct this?

  25. bop

    Horrible.
    When will these people just die and get it over with?

  26. Its no surprise to me at all that this sucks. Everything Heidi Montag does sucks. We have all yet to see what her talent actually is…not acting, not singing, not dancing…

  27. yan

    thats it…. you officially owe me porn

    OWE ME

    YOU HEAR ME.

    …OWE

    WHERE IS IT…

    PORN …NOW!

  28. g_girl

    Did Spencer film this?….. God.

  29. aspiron

    Greatest music visionary since Paris Hilton..

  30. she must have fleas, or lice…she’s constantly grabbing her head.

  31. she must have fleas, or lice…she’s constantly grabbing her head.

  32. Sideshobetty

    she must have fleas…or lice…she’s constantly grabbing her head…

  33. Freekity geeek

    The video is basically a movie o’ boobies. As for the song, it’s not Music with a capital M, but sounds like something I might not mind listening to on a summer day, driving down the street in my car. Kinda Samantha Foxish meets Britney. Sometimes, I like airhead music… and Heidi is an airhead.

  34. Jenna

    My head hurts. Possibly the worst song ever, and the video made me dizzy.

  35. OHHH my eyes!

    BURN them out of my head! Why oh why is this skank famous?

    I’m thinking that she will go porno soon which is why she always has her mouth wide open in photos…practice, practice.

  36. Joe Melnick

    Stop with the hating – she’s no worse than most of the crap you hear on the radio, and better than some of it. Great body, did you want long establishing shots of the setting? There’s no reason why she can’t be a pop star if Britney et al can do it. She’s better looking at least, giant chin notwithstanding.

  37. sorb

    She is hot!!

  38. I made it to 56 seconds. What do I win???

  39. Meghanfish

    ……. what do you mean she’s no worse than most of the crap on the radio??? This is THE FUCKING WORST THING I”VE EVER SEEN!! I honestly feel that it is intended as a joke. a fucking joke!!!!!!! Who jams out to this shit!?! NOBODY!! It’s complete garbage, she has a nice body and that is the only good thing about this disgusting waste of time!!! fuck her and her hideous husband, he literally creeps me out… to look at him makes my stomach queasy!! oh my god i want to stab my fucking eyes out and then slap myself for even watching 10 seconds of this lamesauce!! that is all.

  40. Perez Hilton

    Yet another conservative religious fascist who acts like a complete whore!

    Plus…and let’s get real now…she’s a girl with a body I’m supposed to get an erection from, and I just don’t and it’s not right that people made fun of me for being that way. Spencer, on the other hand…if he was wearing a thong and crawling backwards toward me on the rug…YUMMY!

    So I hate her! For, uh, her beliefs. Yeah, that’s it. Her beliefs.

  41. D

    OMG you made my ears bleed! Aaaaaaaaaaah!

  42. Demise

    Her super long man face always amuses me

  43. fuxyslot

    i wish girls would stop thinking they can sing because they aren’t fat

  44. lashout

    Spencer needs to get his money back from his “how to make a music video” from the Learning Anex

  45. Bot

    I hate to say this but I would bang Heidi McChinnychinchin

  46. rachel

    she looks like a horse…. thats even worse than paris hiltons attempt at a pop career….. hopefully she doesnt release anymore!!!!!!!!

  47. Tee

    HOW DO THESE PEOPLE BECOME FAMOUS????

    Who the hell in America likes this shit? I know that sociologists talk ad nauseum about the dumbing down of America, but now I believe it. This video, and this pathetic moron with an inflated sense of importance, officially marks the end of intelligent life in the U.S. (although, staggeringly, she probably has fans in Europe and Canada, too).

    I hold the media responsible: no one knew who this pathogen was until every media outlet started telling us she was worth reporting on.

    Montag is the harbinger of a doomed culture.

  48. Randal

    Hey there Heidi! Thanks for making this for your fans. Just wanted to take the time to say you created a deadly back beat which blend in so well with your voice.

    Keep climbing the charts lovely!

    Randal

  49. Marlene

    Wow…turned the sound off after 3 seconds and felt like I was about to get caught watching porn…the real star of the video are her boobs, they actually cut Heidi’s head from at least 3 shots…but I have to admit my favorite part is when she gets her ass out of the pool to make sure we can have a good look at it…Poor girl. ” Hey honey, what could we do on this beautiful honeymoon vacation day?? – I know, let’s shoot another crappy video of me in a bikini! ”

  50. Mandy

    Ha ha… I love how she tries to be all Christian and then goes out and does this. And for everyone who admits she has a hot body: would you really think so after you take away the spray-on tan and the bolted on fake breasts? Didn’t think so.

    And don’t even get me started on that chin. Come to think of it, don’t even get me started on that complete waste of space.

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