Heidi Montag equates herself with Jesus

June 30th, 2008 // 112 Comments

Heidi Montag is a devout Christian and wish people knew more about her faith. But you don’t hear much of that because she’s too busy posing in pictures that could only be used as Aryan greeting cards. But in between displaying her funbags, Heidi has a deep spiritual side that she shared with USA Today. Let’s take a look at Heidi’s ability to form thoughts which will make you cringe because of the fact her uterus is fertile and capable of reproduction:

On how she’s just like Jesus but with implants:
“There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn’t matter to me.”

On her and Spencer’s faith and surprising ability to read:
Montag identifies herself as “kind of non-denominational Baptist” and hopes to release a Christian album one day. Both she and Pratt read the Bible conscientiously. “I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God.”

On traveling to Africa – Paris Hilton style:
This August, she and Pratt are headed to Africa to “feed children and help build things.” Cameras will capture their trek, but not for The Hills.

Heidi also plans on releasing a Christian music album and you know what? I couldn’t think of a better market for her. SNAP! Did I just burn religion and Heidi in one sentence? I think I did. Who’s Jesus now? Eh? If you’ll excuse me, I need to go turn the water cooler into wine.

UPDATE: Didn’t work so I just poured vodka in. That’s in The Bible too.

superficial

  1. Lola

    DIE ALREADY YOU BLASPHEMING ASSHOLES….. YOU’RE GONNA BURN IN HELL YOU DIRTY PLASTIC WHORE

  2. sloane

    @4 He was making fun of Heidi Montag not Christianity. I read nothing in there that is making fun of Christianity.

  3. wtf

    #49
    having faith and defending your religion (just like jews speak out against antisemitisim) doesnt make you an extremist
    get your facts straight

  4. Tracks
    1: I screw for god.
    2: Jesus swallowed too.
    3: Bend over and take it like Judist.
    4: Spencer eats my apple.
    5: Oh God Oh God I’m coming
    6: Part my red sea.
    7: God is burning my bush.
    8: Love thy neighbor on your back.
    9: God has my video camera
    10: I like my men like Jesus, cut and hung like tree.

  5. Priveleged

    yeah Antisemitism. The only people that get there own word when it come to hating them. I wonder why everyone hates them?

  6. wtf

    #52 – the last two lines – about the wine. making fun of the biblical story. has nothing to do with heidi.

  7. sirrix

    Honestly… People who read this site have a problem w/ making fun of the Christian right? It’s all fair game! And frankly, if there’s some church that accepts donations from those two douchemongers, they deserve a stern slap in the crucifix.

  8. Tom Cruise

    Spencer once paid me to fuck Heidi while he was watching the whole thing. He couldn’t do it himself due to chronic impotence.
    true story.
    by the way, jesus saves

  9. Kim Lardassian

    I hate those retarded shoes, I actually just hate everything about this fake and ugly and clueless tramp. I actually think there is more substance (OK bad pun I know) about Whinehouse than this vapid breast implant.

  10. Little Wanker

    I try to satisfy Heidi, but I’m so little, I couldn’t make a gerbil climax. Let’s just say that Heidi is still a virgin because sex with me is not sex at all. And we all know she is so dumb, she couldn’t get laid at the SF Gay Pride festivities last weekend if she flaunted it. I hope Spencer finally gets that procedure to make me bigger. I need an implant soon to get me up to a full 3.5 inches when hard. Suck on that!! Oh yeah!

  11. missywissy

    What’s up with this chick???? All I see when I look at her is PHONY PHONY PHONY eeeeeeverythiiiiing. Even her smile is fake. I never saw her show she was on, I’m assuming it’s a teeny bopper thing. Is she the new Paris Hilton? Because if so, I’m giving up on this sight for good. I got so sick of seeing that other phony balony. I guess this site is more for guys because it also shows a lot of women in bikinis. Ah well, all this shit is stupid anyway.

  12. missywissy

    What’s up with this chick???? All I see when I look at her is PHONY PHONY PHONY eeeeeeverythiiiiing. Even her smile is fake. I never saw her show she was on, I’m assuming it’s a teeny bopper thing. Is she the new Paris Hilton? Because if so, I’m giving up on this sight for good. I got so sick of seeing that other phony balony. I guess this site is more for guys because it also shows a lot of women in bikinis. Ah well, all this shit is stupid anyway.

  13. missywissy

    What’s up with this chick???? All I see when I look at her is PHONY PHONY PHONY eeeeeeverythiiiiing. Even her smile is fake. I never saw her show she was on, I’m assuming it’s a teeny bopper thing. Is she the new Paris Hilton? Because if so, I’m giving up on this sight for good. I got so sick of seeing that other phony balony. I guess this site is more for guys because it also shows a lot of women in bikinis. Ah well, all this shit is stupid anyway.

  14. chachou

    what is wrong with that girl!!?? she keeps getting more and more fake everyday! nice hair extensions..

  15. Ash Frog

    #53
    “having faith and defending your religion (just like jews speak out against antisemitisim) doesnt make you an extremist”

    No it doesn’t, but saying things like “im one of the tiny bunch that understands life” does. What a fucktard. Thanks for proving how stupid and narrow-minded Christian teenagers are.

  16. I wonder if she is going to do a musical called “Heidi Montag Superstar”

  17. Vane

    Ugh! This turdlinger seriously needs to go away.

    Heidi Montag and her douche-bag boyfriend need to be tarred, feathered, and run out of town already.

  18. wtf

    #65 – if you were paying attention, that phrase was directed to the world and to the people. it had nothing to do with religion. i was proving how ‘stupid and narrow minded’ the world and new generation has become( drinking, partying, sex.) but i didnt bother getting into that. since you all dont seem to want to understand.
    people have to set their priorities straight and be responsible and work when its the right time and then party and have fun when you’ve finished you’re work.
    thats why im a girl at the very top of my class and still party and go out to clubs.
    i know how to live my life past this rubbish of insulting other people and their lives. live your own first. i know my responsibilities.

    Christian teenagers. Jewish teenagers. Islam teenagers. Buddhist teenagers. Atheist teenagers. Why dont we hold hands for once and become “open to variety” and improve the world.

  19. wtf

    wtf the superfish writing style sux all of the sudden

  20. Tom

    Wow, first heidi links herself to Jesus and then Paris auditions for the title role in The Queen. What’s coming next? Don’t believe me? Check it out here:

    http://minimovie.com/film-128313-Lost%20Screen%20Tests:%20Paris%20Hilton

  21. wtf

    thanks #69 (wtf copy) for acknowledging.

  22. STevec

    he’s got the compressed face of one of those Cabbage Patch Dolls…the eyes and mouth all being sucked towards the nose

  23. Ash Frog

    #68

    You continue to dig yourself into a hole. Believing that there is a correct way to live life and that anyone who doesn’t live it the way you deem appropriate is wrong is proof of how self-centered you really are.

    The only priority and responsibility people have is to enjoy themselves and take care of their families. You obviously think modern life is the only way to live your life when there are thousands of tribes of people who would care to disagree with you.

    Please kindly shut the fuck up now.

  24. Just when I thought when this tool couldn’t get any lamer, or more fake she gets hair extensions. NOTE TO HEIDI, LONGER HAIR DOESN’T TAKE THE EYES AWAY FROM THE WHORE-S MOUTH YOU HAVE. DID YOUR MOM FUCK A HORSE and concieve your ugly ass?

  25. justifiable

    #69 wtf, what you are is humorless, judgmental and sanctimonious in the extreme.
    And you have no idea how insulting your comparison to Jews “speak[ing] out against antisemitism’ in your pathetically ill-thought-out argument is. Considering how many centuries of zealous Christian persecution there were against Jews in Europe, you might wanna rethink that little reference before you claim to be defending yourself and your religion in the same manner.

    And as #73 (Ash Frog) so beautifully put it: Please kindly shut the fuck up now.

  26. britney's weave

    hmmm.. if spencer agrees with all heidi’s shit-spewing, then i wonder why he was so concerned with one-upping mary kate olsen. he must have missed that whole “turning the other cheek” part. y’know, since he reads the bible all the time.

  27. I Weep For The Future

    I’m so tired of hearing about this moron and her ass clown of a boyfriend. There is absolutely nothing interesting about them. It isn’t funny what a douche he is or what an imbecile she is, its sad and embarrassing. It makes me angry that they get media attention because they think it means they’re important. I wish the media would ignore them all together, forcing these assholes back into the hole they pose for pictures in front of and slamming the door on their asses.

  28. DNA ruined my life

    Heidi, ya fucking retard, feeling a “crazy connection to God” doesn’t give you license to compare yourself with Jesus. At least not until someone’s nailed you to a cross. Which sounds like a great idea! Somebody hold this spike for me, will ya?

  29. Will

    dammit….. its douchebags like this that have given people of any faith a bad name.

  30. Oz

    I don’t see why any of you even had to bring Jesus or Christiany into this. Of course Heidi was very wrong for even putting her sad excuse for persucution on the same level as Jesus’ crucifixtion, and that should be discussed, however, there are many people who took it way too far by associating God with crude humor and ignorance. That’s not the purpose of this site. And if these disgusting remarks towards God are the result of mentioning religion on this site than I feel that thesuperficial writer should stick to writing about celebrities and leave Jesus out of it.

    Having faith is a great thing, and if you, thesuperficial writer along with many others, choose not to have it or simply don’t care about religion, why did you care enough to bash it in the first place, as if you have the right? Do you think you are better than it? Commenting on something that you are ignorant of makes you sound foolish. God’s always there, even if you don’t want him to be.

  31. chris

    I don’t care how annoying Hiedi is, all I know is that I want to do her long time.

  32. jake

    Heidi could possibly get nailed by a cock in all 3 of her holes at the same time. Hell to the yeah y’all!!

  33. Mr.Peanut

    I want to punch him in his vagina!!!

    I’m a very angry person obviously.

  34. justifiable

    #80 C’mon, dude, that’s seriouisly the most disingenuous argument I’ve ever seen. Just who are you kidding?

    Heidi opened the subject by saying she’s persecuted like Jesus, how do you ignore that and not “bring Jesus or Christianity into this”? I haven’t seen God insulted here, what I have seen are some members of the faithful (of whatever religion) proclaiming that their faith somehow entitles them to behave as they want to and that God says it’s OK because they’re special. Having faith is a great thing, enjoy yours by all means, but don’t flaunt it to try to prove that you’re more righteous and deserving than anyone else if you don’t want to deal with the argument that follows.

    This site pushes the envelope, are you really so surprised? If you can’t stand irreverence of any kind, don’t read the site, and sure as hell don’t watch “The Da Vinci Code” – at the end Audrey Tatou makes a reference to not being to walk on water. Sacrilege! You’ll be so horrified you’ll never watch a Ron Howard movie again.

  35. wtf

    #80 – thank you.
    #75 – did i ever say the way of correct living is? i soley stated the points called morals, values, and virtues, which everyone has despite their religion. if you believe that those are worthless then i feel for you.
    enjoying yourself and taking care of you family? thats all that matters? yes but how do you plan on taking care of yourself if you arent 1. disciplined enough to work for them and provide for them. so you are saying if you dont enjoy work, then leave it. so how would you take care of your family then?
    i believe you are the one burying yourself underneath humerous arguments of dust.
    and if you were to careless to have understood my comments, i was speaking out against modern life and the drinking, partying, and sex which you all seem to care about most. im the one talking about values and responsibility which is exactly how tribes live.
    #75 & 84 – why is ‘Jews speaking out against antisemitism’ an insult? its a compliment. so then im assuming it would be a compliment for you if a said that they were shutting up and quietly taking in the insults against their religion? because that is exactly what Christians are doing for this post.
    you are typically one sided into believing that Jews were the only persecuted ones. so you’re saying that since they were persecuted they have a right to speak out and Christians dont? very boxed argument. many have had genocides – countries in Africa, Armenia…but i guess you havent studied these. they have been tortured just as Jews. so i wouldnt stand alone with the argument saying that Jews have the right to speak out just because theyve been persecuted
    oh and of course christianity is insulted (#80), this post makes fun of a biblical story. read the last two lines which have nothing to do with Heidi.
    and no, Ash Frog and Justifiable, i will not ‘shut the fuck up’ so take that out of your heads. i will not ever shut up to racism and discrimination.

  36. Bodylotion

    For the fucking love of fuck, please FUCKING stop the insanity. Stop writing about these two cunt-faced ragged ass munching cock gobblers. These posts are indeed what keeps them from being “famous”.

    Die, or at least sew your mouth shut. Staged freaking pictures.

  37. justifiable

    #85 Keep digging, you’re getting in sooo deep.

    And drop the martyrdom and learn to fucking read – you are either incredibly thick or just being deliberately obtuse. I said YOUR referencing it is an insult. Your referencing Jews fighting anti-Semitism when defending Christianity against someone “making fun” of it is like a white male descendant of western settlers claiming his fight against an IRS audit is just like the struggle of the American Indians against the US government. It’s like a Turk stating he’s being persecuted like a Christian Armenian. It’s like a KKK member claiming he’s fighting for the Klan just like MLK did for civil rights. *

    Put it this way, if you’re part of group A – that spent centuries persecuting group B – it’s really insulting to reference group B’s fight against injustice when it comes to your own. Really, hands off. Group B’s struggle has fuck all to do with you or your particular trials, when historically your group’s actions were at the root of theirs. Do you finally get that?
    And no one here said Jews are the only persecuted people, you’re the one that’s trying that little bit of misdirection. Don’t even try to float that argument here. Styling yourself into a little soldier against “racism and discrimination” here is just more of the same.

    And yeah, you DID say “the way of correct living is.” In numerous posts. Including this one.
    “hah good for me, im one of the tiny bunch that understands life.”
    “enjoying yourself and taking care of you family? thats all that matters?”
    “i was proving how ‘stupid and narrow minded’ the world and new generation has become( drinking, partying, sex.) … people have to set their priorities straight and be responsible and work when its the right time and then party and have fun when you’ve finished you’re work. thats why im a girl at the very top of my class and still party and go out to clubs.
    i know how to live my life past this rubbish of insulting other people and their lives. live your own first. i know my responsibilities.”

    All you’ve “proved” is that you’re one of the most smug, intolerant, self-congratulatory posters ever to appear here. And if you’re truly at the top of your class, as you claim, and you can’t tell the difference between “your” and “you’re” – well, that’s either one dumbass class or just maybe you’re not quite as great as you think you are. Maybe you should party a little less and study a little more. I suggest reading more history – you sure as hell need the study.

    *And to clarify, I have nothing against descendents of white male settlers, Indians, the IRS, Turks, Christian Armenians, or MLK. The KKK, well, you’re on your own, you sheet wearing assholes. The above groups were mentioned solely as an example and for the purpose of getting #85 wtf to shut the righteous fuck up.

  38. The balloons are her best feature.

    And they are fake.

    And look fake.

    And cheap.

    So that says it all.

  39. wtf

    #87 wow you dont seem to understand, do you?
    i respect everyone. as i said before: Christian teenagers. Jewish teenagers. Islam teenagers. Buddhist teenagers. Atheist teenagers. Why dont we hold hands for once and become “open to variety” and improve the world.

    why is my referencing it an insult? you said so yourself CHristian armenians were persecuted. I am christians and even if im not armenian, the world’s first christians were persecuted just like jews. so dont tell me that im comparing the impossible because christians have been persectued too.
    this argument, in fact, wasnt even about jews and christians. its about creating humor in religion. its about not letting others get in the way of your religion and your faith. despite what any of you inconsiderate people say, my faith will always remain strong in God. Make all the insulting, disgusting jokes you want. How immature. God is always there for everyone, even if you are being really inconsiderate. So i wont argue with you any longer. You have your opinons, i have mine. I’ll always stand by mine no matter what anyone says. Even if we had this argument, i’ll treat you with respect and integrity just as you should to anyone. I am not going to sink down low and you like a dumb ant. i’ll respect you and you should respect everyone else.

    God, no matter what, is always there next to you from start to finish. You may be blind not to see Him there. It’s just a matter of time until your blindness is cured and your eyes are wide open, thanking God for guiding you your whole life.

    he helped me fight anorexia. and throught that struggle, i learned that i dont have to be perfect. im allowed to make mistakes. so i dont care if i put ‘you’re’ instead of ‘your’ or whatever. you make mistakes. i make mistakes. thats very low of you to pick out a spelling mistake throughout this conversation.

    God made me who i am today. i dont have to prove myself. i know who i am. i would just one day want you to see what i have accomplished. i am the top of my class yet i enjoy myself. hard to believe yes, because you never find this kind of a mix. but i guess im different, okay? leaving a college prep los angeles school and finishing off school in europe doing the IB shows that no, my class isnt stupid. why do i need extra history? i know perfectly well the persection jews went to, such as the night of the long knives in 1934. i know the persecution the world’s first christians = armenians went through, such as soldiers swinging a sword at a pregnant woman’s belly and removing the fetus and raising up in the air, on the sword. Indians, KKK, MLK, you name it. i’ll give you the facts if thats what this is down too.

    so like i said before, im not wasting anymore time on this. i have my life to live. i dont agree with your opinions, you dont agree with mine. i’ll respect you and wont tell you to “shut the righteous fuck up” .
    so goodbye and enjoy your life.

  40. Kento

    Hi everybody, I’m from Italy and nobody here knows this people. Can you tell me who they are? Please, I’m not understanding why these people are so famous!
    Thank you all.

  41. Kento, shouldn’t you be working on my fucking pasta e fagioli, you fucking facist??? And do me a favor, sing while you cook… it humors me…

    wassamatta, wassamatta? HEY! wassammatta wit yoooooou…

  42. oh god

    Hey, Jimbo, where can i buy that cd? The titles alone made me horny!

  43. i said it

    wtf and justifiable need to get a room.

  44. lowercase

    @89 I don’t even know who Heidi Montag is but it seems to me like you can’t follow the arguments here becasue your twisting things and making this all about you and your life. Who cares if you have anorexia – what does that have to do with anything? There are tasteless comments here but there are those on every topic. How do you even watch TV wihtout freaking out?. And what are you doing here if your that easily offended? Why don’t you complain to idiot Heidi Montag, she seems to be a lot more irreverent than a lame water to wine joke. I’ve heard a NUN make a joke about that, so is she going ot hell? I think you need to stop taking yourelf so seriously and get on with your life.

  45. He was also a “PROFESSIONALLY FAKER”?

  46. Aphrodite

    HEIDI… I hope she is reading this. YOU ARE THE WORST DRESSER IN ALL OF HOLLYWOOD. someone needs to tell that stupid bitch to get a stylist. white shoes, an electric blue bag, red shades, and a black dress?!

    Dear God,
    Please give this woman a sense of style because the next time I have to see a BORING picture of her wearing jeans, a white tank, and a chanel scarf (something a preschooler can put together)… i will choke her with it.
    thanks,
    Aphrodite

  47. LMFAO

    #89 A little bit hipocritical of you to act all “Christiany” when your bogging name is What The Fuck????????????????

  48. LMFAO

    -hypocritical
    -blogging
    I know some of you assholes are the grammar police out there. At least I spelled Fuck right.

  49. lol

    gotta admit teh 89 is brave. y don’t u assholes fucking lay off 89.

  50. kobe

    #90 Ciao!
    They are on a TV show called The Hills. It’s supposed to be a reality show but it’s totally scripted because we all know Spencer is a pickle chugger and he just pretends to be with Heidi to make $$$.

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