Heidi Montag equates herself with Jesus

June 30th, 2008 // 112 Comments

Heidi Montag is a devout Christian and wish people knew more about her faith. But you don’t hear much of that because she’s too busy posing in pictures that could only be used as Aryan greeting cards. But in between displaying her funbags, Heidi has a deep spiritual side that she shared with USA Today. Let’s take a look at Heidi’s ability to form thoughts which will make you cringe because of the fact her uterus is fertile and capable of reproduction:

On how she’s just like Jesus but with implants:
“There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn’t matter to me.”

On her and Spencer’s faith and surprising ability to read:
Montag identifies herself as “kind of non-denominational Baptist” and hopes to release a Christian album one day. Both she and Pratt read the Bible conscientiously. “I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God.”

On traveling to Africa – Paris Hilton style:
This August, she and Pratt are headed to Africa to “feed children and help build things.” Cameras will capture their trek, but not for The Hills.

Heidi also plans on releasing a Christian music album and you know what? I couldn’t think of a better market for her. SNAP! Did I just burn religion and Heidi in one sentence? I think I did. Who’s Jesus now? Eh? If you’ll excuse me, I need to go turn the water cooler into wine.

UPDATE: Didn’t work so I just poured vodka in. That’s in The Bible too.


  1. bOB

    What a skank.

  2. “skank” doesn’t even come close to describing this ‘ho. Isn’t this supposed to be a site about celebrities? I’ve never seen this bitch anywhere but on this site!

  3. Show more Spencer… Hes the HOTTEST !!

  4. wtf

    who are you to make fun of Jesus Christ and Christianity? even if you are not Christian yourself you can at least be responsible, mature, and accepting enough to not make fun of it. im a teenager, probably younger than you, and i even know not to break this rule.
    religion mocking? thesuperficial is off of my list.

  5. Stop it. No one cares about either of those twats

  6. Aryan

    I think she is beauty if nothing else. Nothing wrong with looking Germanic either.
    TRUE white people rock!

  7. pucky

    Dear Superficial Writer,

    I would like to have sex with Heidi and her mom at the same time.



  8. If the frog jumps on a hot road, it cant be far from the mix.

  9. rm

    I’d like for this girl to choke on her tongue. I’ll pray for it, in the way she prays for stuff.

  10. veggi

    I want to “nail” her. hahaha! get it?? get it??


    Naw, but really, FISH, MAKE IT GO AWAY!!

  11. Angry Beaver

    That little nazi Spencer would never go to Africa. Some warlord would make him his bitch (might be the first useful thing he did with his mouth).

    Now Heidi, she’s into Jesus. That’s cool…the man had rock hard abs!

    “Save me Jeebus!” – Homer Simpson

  12. Everyone visit my site!


    For the most uptodate sports news and scores!

  13. Jesus

    Oh fuckz no she didn’t.

  14. JM

    It’s the coming Idiocracy. Years from now we will talk about Mike Judge like he was Nostradamus. No wait, we won’t, because our blood will be too infused with these stupid fucking retards to be capable of any critical thought. My god, the top young stars are famous for NOT HAVING ANY GODDAMN TALENT. If that isn’t the sign of a coming apocalypse, I don’t know what is.

    But I’d still let her gargle my marbles.

    That’ll be all… JM

  15. In all fairness, she IS like Jesus – both of them are famous for having big holes that never seem to close.

  16. ph7

    “I always felt this crazy connection to God.”

    It must be that burning sensation in her bush.

  17. Beavis

    huh-huh, huh-huh…Mike Judge? Who’s that dillweed? huh-huh, huh-huh…does this chick ever close her mouth? huh-huh, huh-huh…but I do like the boobs…

  18. jennifer

    I hope you are well compensated by these twats for constantly subjecting us to their nonsense. Color Me Badd is more relevant than these two.

  19. Carnac the Magnificent

    “Jesus’s hands and feet, Heidi Montag’s mouth, and John Graziano’s forehead”…

  20. AND visit my other site!


    For the most uptodate snowballing, felching and blumpkins!

  21. taxpayer

    #4 (You KNOW you’ll come back to the site to read the comments!) You are as addle brained as Heidi. The superfish is making fun of Heidi COMPARING herself to Jesus, not making fun of Jesus or Christianity.

    BTW, I know Jesus would be SURE to approve of Heidi’s extreme vanity, materialism, the altering of her body, and sticking her ass out whenever possible. She’s such a good Christian!

  22. seriously?

    Normally I never ever post comments on blogs, and I usually love your website but who are you to mock Christianity? Sure Heidi Montag is creepy and God literally only knows what she is talking about comparing herself to Jesus or “building things” in Africa, but maybe it hasn’t occurred to you that some of the visitors to your website believe in something other than blogging? I thought this was about poking fun at celebs, not mocking your average person who might be reading your website. Disappointing and lame, superficial. Seriously. You make Perez Hilton look like a saint.

  23. John the Baptist

    She’d be seeing God once I put my Jesus stick in her little vadge. It would be the best religious experience of her life. She’d feel the spirit, and then get to bestow the gift of tongues. It would be non-denominational Baptist sex Spencer is not capable of delivering with his tiny vagenis.

  24. veggi

    #21 – I’m pretty sure Jesus would condemn Heidi for most of those things, but I’m betting he’d still give that ass a blessed poking with his Godstick.

  25. veggi

    shut the hell up #25. And #8. And #15. You’re such a fucking moron..

    anyway……….. I’m off to lunch. You guys want me to bring ya anything?? Double shot of wild turkey??

  26. J.C. Himself

    Hey, holy rollers, you’re sinning just by being here (envy). Go from this site, now, and sin no more. And btw, thanks for the FUCKING NAILS you fucking “free will” buttholes. I don’t care what Dad says, now you’re all n i g g e r s to me…

  27. Pope Pius VI

    I shall get papal on Spenver’s ass.

    I wonder if Heidi will allow me to give her an immaculate conception?

  28. #26 veggi – I’m hung over so no thanks on the double shot, but how about a double-headed dildo? Come on, I know you keep one in your purse.

  29. persecute heidi!


  30. Deacon Jones


    I want to lick her feet and then ass fuck her.

    Fuck, did I just type that?

  31. Thanks for the link #12 douche troll, and to your own site on #20.

    While the link is in my name, I do not run around asking people to click.

    Heidi, if you truly are like Jesus, please die!

  32. Rick

    Actually, I think Spencer would make an excellent priest – it’s so easy to imagine him molesting an altar boy.

  33. Xanthia

    These two are a major cause of global warming.
    They are nothing but hot gaseous beings and total wastes of oxygen.
    what puke-heads.

  34. Some do we get to crucify the bitch? I’ve got some railroad spikes…

  35. Cindy

    So, awesome, not one but two Heidi and Spencer “stories” in one day. They should have, I dunno, say, ZERO stories. Stop feeding the beast.

  36. crabby old guy

    No no no, you all completely misunderstood the Heidster:

    She’s LIKE Jesus because she experiences multiple orgasms – you know, “Second Comings”?

    Thank you, try the veal.

  37. Miserable Bastard


    A surprise double body check and some quick nailing and you could get a two for one while they’re holding hands.

  38. Sken Dwilson

    I’d pillage her ass like the crusades while Spunkster Shatt sat tied in a chair, helplessly watching, unable to do anything like the pencil armed homosexual that he is. I could lift that blonde bimbo…with nothing but my c@ck.

  39. The name of her album is Fun Bags for Jesus..

  40. Just one more reason I am a stone cold atheist.

  41. pretty pink ponies

    How can you be a non-denominational Baptist? Being Baptist IS a denomination. I hate her so much.

  42. wtf

    #21: of course ill be checking back because i want to see how stupid the world has become.
    and now i wasnt even talking about heidi, im talking about the last two lines. dont act like you’re too dumb to understand. or maybe the world is? hah good for me, im one of the tiny bunch that understands life.

  43. rm

    lol @#40

  44. sameshitdifferentyear

    She looks real good in these pics. Real good.

    Can Sennheiser make noise-cancelling headsets that eliminate the voices of chicks like her from the atmosphere? Begin development tout de suite.

  45. Ed

    “im one of the tiny bunch that understands life”

    Sounds just like an Islamic fundamentalist.

  46. wtf

    hah #46
    im christian from los angeles but i live in europe and im only a teenager.
    nice guess

  47. wtf

    hah #46
    im christian from los angeles but i live in europe and im only a teenager.
    nice guess

    look at all the posts ! all the world cares about is fucking. you call that understanding life?

  48. Beth

    #48, tardboy, #46 was pointing the similarity between your narrow absolute judgmental religious zealotry and the thinking of Islamic terrorists. Extremists of any religious are the same in the way they think. Thank God secular governments will always crush them to maintain control over natural resources.

  49. yodolayheehoo


    I love you. Please hear me. LOVE LOVE LOVE you.

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