Heidi Montag is gonna make it

March 26th, 2010 // 125 Comments

With The Hills being taken out to a field and shot, Heidi Montag is excited to begin her career as a “full time motion picture actress.” In fact, she even wrote a screenplay to get things started. I’m not even joking. Via People:

One of the characters Montag wants to play is “a lifeguard named Summer” in a script she wrote herself.
“I am making the first 3-D beach comedy about a shark that attacks a small beach town and I save the day with my 3-D boobs,” Montag says. “I’ve even written a role for Dolly Parton to play the town mayor!”

So let me get this straight: All this time Heidi Montag has secretly been the greatest screenwriter of our generation? Jesus Christ. Who saw that coming? James Cameron’s probably stealing this pitch for Avatar 2 as we speak. “Okay, remember how they were all on that crazy planet with the messed up shit? This time it’s on a beach patrolled by Heidi Montag’s 3D tits. You give me money now.”

Photos: Splash News
superficial

  1. Ruprecht the Monkey Boy

    There is only ONE lifeguard babe named “Summer”- and that would be Summer Quinn AKA Nicole eggert from baywatch seasons 2 and 3. Can I get a high five??!!

  2. Jen

    im a straight chick and i really want to see her get butt fucked. WHY?

  3. Sami

    #37 So you’ve never dyed your hair, had tips put on..because you do know, it’s not REAL. If done properly, and not overdone like Hedi’s, implants will be soft and look natural, of course they are never going to feel or look 100% like natural one. Men see BREASTS that’s why they see. Most could give two craps about what’s inside…

  4. KA

    here’s a better plot for her first “straight to video movie”: a girl with giant melons who tries to turn a gay guy straight . . . . .but in the end he just ops for the operation. see? that’s a win-win right there!

  5. Gueibor

    I stand in awe.
    In awe.
    I think I just heard David Mamet shoot himself in the face, twice.
    With fire.

    Also, #12 – that thing you just bumped into and made you fall flat on your ass? It’s called a Sarcasm. Now at least you’ll know its name next time you fail to see it and proceed to faceplant all over the innuhwebz.
    You’re welcome.

  6. hmm

    this screenplay sounds like the plot of a softcore porno.
    @55 hahahah thank you for saying what i was thinking

  7. Al

    Guzongas.

  8. jugs

    She’s destroyed her body. There’s no chance of a film career outside of porn now.

    Any female who has had so much plastic surgery as to resemble a bobble head doll will never be accepted as a dramatic actress. Nor will the DD breasts make anyone take her seriously. And I strongly suspect that she has no skills in acting.

    Game over, Heidi. Go into porn or get a book deal.

  9. Dank

    Is this bitch for real? No one in their right mind wants to see this shit! Her and Spencer should be cartoonized and then killed. Actually, forgot the cartoon, they’re cartoons already, just kill them.

  10. Big Frank

    Oh for chrissake enough about this plasticized bimbo. I thought we weren’t gonna hear about her any more. She’s talentless and stupid and has made herself ugly to boot. WTF??

  11. The sad thing is she thinks she looks like she’s all that, and she’s just another butchered up bottle blond with fake tits.

  12. isefj

    Her outfit is sooo 2003.

  13. kele

    So basically she wants to make a porno. I hate when people get famous off of someone else. LC is her name to fame. Heidi is a silicon joke, that cant sing worth a d@mn.

  14. Wow I think she is looking nice in these poses . I just love to see her pics . Everybody knows that she had to many plastic surgeries but after too many cosmetic surgeries and due to that she as got artificial face.

  15. FunMe

    So is it really this hard to make it to the FREAK show of the circus?

    Wow. I guess Heidi really wants to be part of it!

    How much did she spend again on that freak face/body?

  16. cowbulls

    I prefer to think about the tight picture. The next few men that get in her pants are going to get a near virgin. We know that her little troll husband barely broke thru if he did at all.

  17. Fati87

    @49
    Fuck you for that referance. I hope your kid ends up like Kumaritashvili. Then we’ll see you make a joke out of that. Motherfucking faggot.

  18. Phil

    Heidi…your 15 minutes are up. Goodbye.

  19. Phil

    Heidi…your 15 minutes are up. Goodbye.

  20. captain america

    yep, THE RESTROOM ISN’T FAR AWAY……..

  21. newsflash, the little fat jiggle looks way better & you still get to look like a woman. we gals are trying so hard some times we lose sight of what looks good.

  22. JessieJames

    Yo Baby, I’ll front the money for that movie, stop by the office.

    Vanilla G

  23. Jestersdead

    What a sense of Humor!! She is really coming into her own, Love ya girl, show daddy your tits now………………….

  24. PostmortemG

    “I am making the first 3-D beach comedy about a shark that attacks a small beach town and I save the day with my 3-D boobs,” Montag says.

    At least i recognized the obvious Jaws reference – Kudos to those of you who know enough about Baywatch to spot the other reference. Apparently Heidi has chosen to become a post-modern ´artist´ that steals other people´s ideas and jumbles them together in her own mix. That´s fine by me – at least she´s more appealing than that boring Quentin Tarantino motherfucker. =D

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  26. Eva

    Her eyebrow lift irks me. It looks awkward in a lot of her pics.

  27. cc

    I am guessing it’s going to be at least as good as the original Godfather. At least!

  28. jonny

    Sounds like a real JOINT effort, she will be member of HIGH society soon enough.

  29. jonny

    This is brilliant! she should try to get Maryl Streep to play the dolphin. I’m smelling Oscar here PEOPLE! fo REALSSSSS

  30. Emily

    too bad she can’t wear normal clothes now that she got the surgery. she’s gone from cute couture stuff they picked out for her on the hills to weird looking cardigans that she wears open because they don’t fit across her boobs and 90s shirts. and gym shorts and heels. and that hermes bag is soo circa 2002 sex and the city

  31. AnonymousError

    All that money spent to make herself look “perfect” and she wears an unflattering outfit that makes her look like she’s got hips that have birthed a calf.

  32. AnonymousError

    All that money spent to make herself look “perfect” and she wears an unflattering outfit that makes her look like she’s got hips that have birthed a calf.

  33. Rough app

    I’m guessing this genre will fall under a Selfploitation movie? Ha! You see she is not just another bimbo.

  34. This is so exciting. I’m so looking forward to all of this wonderful new “art” coming from Heidi Montag. Lucky us.

  35. Don’t know anything about her. Never heard her speak or seen her show, but that is an amazing body. Even if there is a lot of plastic in it.

  36. wendi

    yuck, yuck ,yuck.Really she is putting herself way to far up on anybody’s standards, except maybe the plastic people, with no personality.Poor thing.

  37. wendi

    yuck, yuck ,yuck.Really she is putting herself way to far up on anybody’s standards, except maybe the plastic people, with no personality.Poor thing.

  38. wendi

    yuck, yuck ,yuck.Really she is putting herself way to far up on anybody’s standards, except maybe the plastic people, with no personality.Poor thing.

  39. rex kramer

    Well inside 2 years, she’s going to look like Janice Dickenson. A few months after the show is over she will have trouble getting a table at Taco Bell. Then the headlines will be filled with a newer younger version who got even bigger fake funbags. My advise Heidi, marry money before you go to seed.

  40. tromba

    Just relax. I think her 15 minutes just ended. That is, unless these douchbags keep writing about every fucking thing she does.

  41. Mark

    What the hell is wrong with these stupid white women. Every piece of this whore is plastic and she still is ugly as hell.

  42. Lorraine

    Is she senile? Everyone but her seems to know that she won’t have an “acting career” in anything but porn, low-budget cheese films that are so bad she’s the best they can get, or else more stupidass ‘reality’ shows made exclusively for the sector of the public which is unable to distinguish good entertainment/talented people from bad entertainment/untalented people. That is, of course, unless she starts giving out blowjobs to casting directors. For her sake, I hope that’s one skill she has.

    …Why would anything think she’s a selling point for anything but porn? Did any single intelligent person watch the Hills for its talented acting? Anyone who has more than carrots for brains knows this plastic piece of shit can’t even be in same paragraph with the word “talent”

  43. NVG

    I don’t know about most of you, but I’d rather have Heidi Montag now than Lindsay Lohan now.

  44. All that money spent to make herself look “perfect” and she wears an unflattering outfit that makes her look like she’s got hips that have birthed a calf.

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