Heidi Montag is gonna make it

March 26th, 2010 // 125 Comments

With The Hills being taken out to a field and shot, Heidi Montag is excited to begin her career as a “full time motion picture actress.” In fact, she even wrote a screenplay to get things started. I’m not even joking. Via People:

One of the characters Montag wants to play is “a lifeguard named Summer” in a script she wrote herself.
“I am making the first 3-D beach comedy about a shark that attacks a small beach town and I save the day with my 3-D boobs,” Montag says. “I’ve even written a role for Dolly Parton to play the town mayor!”

So let me get this straight: All this time Heidi Montag has secretly been the greatest screenwriter of our generation? Jesus Christ. Who saw that coming? James Cameron’s probably stealing this pitch for Avatar 2 as we speak. “Okay, remember how they were all on that crazy planet with the messed up shit? This time it’s on a beach patrolled by Heidi Montag’s 3D tits. You give me money now.”

Photos: Splash News

  1. big fat bob


  2. Kodos

    I’d rather see a 3D double penetration on this bitch.

  3. Armando

    Damn she’s looks damn good here. Heidi call me babe, I need to see ya squirt.

  4. Joker

    She’s a real card.

  5. Wtf?

    What? This chick knows how to write? That’s just not right.

    And anyway, how is she in any way relevant to my need for Britney’s batshit boobs?

  6. Gweb

    I wonder if her tits wrote the screenplay….hmmmmmmmmm.

  7. Brooke

    IDK but she looks so strange now after those then plastic surgeries that I can’t stand to even look at her. I thought she was gorgeous before, but now OMG she looks hideous, how can she not regret that? I mean she ruined her face….

  8. Deacon Jones

    I got an idea…2 hours of her getting throat fucked and gagging repeatedly

  9. Brooke

    Oops I meant TEN plastic surgeries…Does no one else think that she ruined her face? she should of left it alone, she looked just great to begin with. Now her body looks like a porn star and her face is horrid. I do want to mention that a lifeguard named Summer on the beach, sound familiar to anyone? Probably b/c it was called Baywatch and Summer was played by Nichole Eggert. Anyway I guess she is taking an episode of Baywatch she watched and throwing in Jaws and making it a comedy about her new boobs LOL

  10. Romeo

    She’s so hot it makes me vomit.

    And I would definitely go to see Avatar 2 if that was the premise :)

  11. I knew that the Fish writer was a complete homo. Heidi looks like a porn star, there’s nothing wrong with that. I’d bang her until her tits fell off.

  12. Remember when

    Remember when Superficial Writer hated Ms. Montag? Well, like all the other self-absorbed men in the world, he changed his tune when she went through thousands of surgeries to look “better”. Wonder why people have self-esteem problems? Look no further than the man behind the Superficial. Couldn’t stand her one minute, now pleasures himself to the thought of being near her.

  13. grobpilot

    She knows which end of a pen is the writin’ end?

  14. Sport

    cant stand the site of her plastic skin stretched across her plastic face.

  15. MDOC

    The scary thing is, I would watch that movie.

  16. jenn

    yeah, i agree that she ruined her face. her cheekbones are a real problem. she only looks good in angles that minimize those huge cheeks.

  17. Crabby Old Guy

    You know, she’d probably would write a screenplay about as well as James Cameron – plus the added bonus of gigantic jumbo jacks. In fact, if she throws in her getting some DP, I’d say she’d better.

  18. JesseJimmy

    Let’s be honest: Heidi still has a butterface (even if it doesn’t move anymore), but her ginormous tits and skinny legs make up for it, a bit.

    I’d still rather see Heidi get double analed than watch Ke$ha’s blubber-ass shudder as some guy takes her doggy-style.

    But maybe that’s just me.

  19. Jade

    uummm WTF????

  20. Valerie

    That’s cute.

  21. GhostofRussMyer

    This bimbo is trying to become the next me

  22. Deacon Jones


    I think #12 deserves a response..

  23. Ira Boobenstein

    She’s too old-looking to play a lifeguard now.

  24. chelsea

    1- she’s addicted to tits.
    2- no ones going to watch that OR direct it.
    3- especially wearing that top they look mega fake…
    although i’m a girl i like boobs their fun.
    but those, nuh uh. they’re ugly. not fun.

  25. bedazzle

    maybe she’s not as dumb as she pretends to be.

  26. Beeotch

    Dear Mr. Fish,

    Please stop posting stories about this bimbo. She is a no talent ass clown who will look like MJ in 5 years with all her surgeries. She will really only make it, because people still post about her, and we all know…she is a publicity whore.

    Please and Thank you!

  27. Pederast the Clown

    Ok # 22

    #12 Testosterone is a powerful drug. And the fish doesn’t like Montag, he just wants to fuck her. Have you ever met a guy before?

  28. Shep

    @9, Yea Brooke, I know what you mean. Men HATE women who look like porn stars, hey Tiger Woods back me up here………

  29. TekMoney

    I’d love to know how much this plastic bitch is paying you, ’cause otherwise I see no reason why you’d be posting about her so much. She’s a nobody who does nothing for a living.

  30. colostomy bag collector

    Heidi is 10 times more attractive than the traitor Bar Raefili or whatever it’s name is. None of you faggots and hags would have a chance to lick her feet.
    Funny how an ancient whore like Joan Rivers get’s plasticized and she still get’s to run her ignornant nasty mouth and make millions for being a cunt.

  31. Parker

    Dumb as she is, if her movie includes her having anal sex with the shark then I’m going to be first in line to see it.

  32. Fati87

    Ok, so she did go overboard with the boobs. They are too big for her structure. Still hot though. I can’t wait till she realizes that we are all expecting her to start doing porn and that’s her only way of staying relevant. Show us what you got, Heidi.

  33. Kangaroo

    Dear fags who hate Heidi,
    No one cares what you think.
    She is smokin hot here. 8-P

  34. Mike Nike

    This chick is totally fucked in the head. But I would still suck on her bum hole for hours. How do you like that?…………..Whore!!!!!!!!!

  35. NG

    3D tits? I would actually watch that movie. I call it the feel good movie of the year.

  36. abby

    I think that it is genius to do the 3-D boob thing, especially if she is the first. I am also taking a liking to her new face, it took a while to get use to it. I do however think her boobs are too big, they don’t look natural.

  37. Jas

    I don’t get how people like fake boobs… they’re big but they’re filled with silicone/saline! They aren’t real… If I were a dude I don’t think I could ever get past that.

    Tho I do sometimes hear that “I don’t know what it’s like” because I am slender and naturally full chested but, I don’t know…. they aren’t real! I find that sooo unsexy.

    Heidi is ugly too… she’s got a nice body tho for sure (minus the boobs).

  38. just-this-guy

    Dammit! “View Full Size” isn’t really full size.

  39. just-this-guy

    Dammit! “View Full Size” isn’t really full size.

  40. You gotta love talentless idiots…Hurry up Hollywood spit this broad out and fast.. Before her head blows from all that hot air she has in that funny shaped head of hers

  41. She should have a shirt saying “Thank you Pamela Anderson.” I mean even Pamela Anderson had some quality *cough cough* shows like Baywatch and VIP. This broad is just a spin off, an uglier one at that.

  42. JesseJimmy


    Your claims regarding your alleged natural full-chestedness are useless without a link to pics. Preferably of you tit-fucking a donkey.

    And by the way, you don’t get it because you’re a girl, not because you (claim) to have natural big tit-tays.

  43. JesseJimmy


    Your claims regarding your alleged natural full-chestedness are useless without a link to pics. Preferably of you tit-fucking a donkey.

    And by the way, you don’t get it because you’re a girl, not because you (claim) to have natural big tit-tays.

  44. KIKI

    Too bad her brain is not 3D.

  45. Michelle

    “Motion picture actress”??????? What is this, the 1950s? Heidi is so delusional, I actually worry for her. She turned herself into the bride of Frankenstein out of insecurity, and Lord only knows what she’ll do when her “motion picture” career flops. She will never be used in any movie as a serious actress. She will only be the prop for a joke, as I am sure that’s what she is in whatever movie she just filmed.

  46. She's a loser

    Hmmm… she wrote a screenplay about a lifeguard named Summer (Baywatch) in a town where a shark terrorizes a beach (Jaws) and her fake tits save the day. Oh yeah, that heidi is a true genius. I hope she spent YEARS writing this, and is betting her future in pictures on this turkey, ’cause it’s going to sell just like her album did (all of 600 copies; woo hoo, bestseller!).

  47. Anonymous

    I’m going to go out on a limb and figure the end is where the shark dies when the sheriff shoots Heidi in the tits and makes them explode.

  48. oWL

    I’ve gone from hating this chick to LOVING her.

  49. arealcad

    I’d hit it like Nodar Kumaritashvili making the final turn in the luge run.

  50. Mr. Nice Guy

    She looks Hot. Say what you want, Men love the way she looks.

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