Heidi Montag is a ball of retardation and implants

February 27th, 2008 // 109 Comments

Heidi Montag can’t do anything without it becoming a totally staged photo shoot. I bet she goes to the bathroom and gives the toilet paper roll a thumbs up and a smile. Here she is shopping at Kitson while cameramen film her for MySpace Presents: The Fit on MySpace Celebrity. I have no idea what that is, nor do I want to know. I’ll just end up wanting to firebomb everyone that uses MySpace. So watch out pervs, 15-year-old girls and, most of all, Dane Cook.


  1. me

    your not first!!!

  2. mimi


  3. Dane Cook is on mySpace friends list..

  4. me

    mimi your a total loser!!! mouhahahahahahaaaaa

  5. mimi

    me cannot spell!

    YOU’RE is the correct word “me,” you idiot!

  6. julia bella

    here’s frist….the 5-7 chick who thinks she’s hot!!! to say it on a blog…not really clever! but if it made you feel bette about yourself, go ahead!!

  7. roastbeef

    Gross, that bitch has a moustache!!!

  8. mimi

    ME has once again proven to be a IDIOT!

    At least I, mimi, can spell!

    It’s YOU’RE, not your, stupid!

  9. me

    when we don’t know what to answer, WE SHUT THE FUCK UP instead of doing the spelling bee!!!
    Still a loser poor little mimi

  10. God #6, jealous much??

  11. me

    hum….I think you’re repeating yourself here….time to take you’re afternoon pill!!!

  12. julia bella

    not much…just laughing at you!!! did it prevent you from killing yourself you overweight twat?

  13. Joe Melnick

    I just don’t get these idiots – what is their appeal to anyone? How are they able to monetize their lives when they’re worthless sacks of shit? It’s amazing, and almost impressive.

  14. #12 Hmmmm….. Foolia….I’m thinking either

    1. It is time for your meds, or

    2. You need to get your helmet back on and go wait outside for the short bus.

  15. me

    ask mimi, she might have the answer for you!!

  16. julia bella

    1- taking the post of someone else is not the in thing right now
    2-I drive the bus and I’m waiting for you to come out

  17. Kelly

    Why do pretty girls make such efforts to change themselves? She was prettier before she had all the work done.

  18. Grunion

    Her tits are already going east- west, and never the ‘twain shall meet.

  19. beepea

    judging from these comments, it looks like the same kids who use myspace use the superficial…

  20. #16 I really don’t think you should be driving in your condition…

  21. Kingsley Amis

    Forgive me for commenting on the topic instead of whining about who’s first. Further forgive me for not watching MTV, ever. Frankly, I reckon I’m too old and I’ve simply been too well educated to watch that crap. That said, who ARE the people who care about this gal? All I know about her I’ve read here, mostly as interruptions to pictures of Brit’s cooch (ugh) or Lindsay naked. Apparently, there is or was a show called The Hills about a bunch of dumb skanks and the boys who shop with them. Okay, now what? Why would you want her to be followed as she shops? How is this interesting? Who is the moron who pays these morons?

    Oh, and on the Lindsay topic, I just have to add that I found most of the comments about the nude shots laughable. So many of you think you’re in position to judge her physical appearance? Look at you, fat and bald, sitting in your mom’s basement in your underwear, blogging. And you ding her for too many freckles? Yes, she’s a skank, and a stupid skank at that. But you’re a loser, and if you doused yourself in gasoline and set yourself ablaze she still wouldn’t notice you. Lighten up.

  22. What’s a whore’s face…

  23. Hey this media cunt is wearing the shoes she got for Valentine’s day. She can’t return them now.

  24. julia bella

    that’s why you should be scared!

  25. julia bella

    take it easy!!! you don’t have to describe yourself so well, we get the picture only by saying you still live at yo mama’s house!

  26. julia bella

    gotta admit, I missed you.

  27. Hecubus

    So you’re complaining that she’s a talentless worthless nobody simply being pushed in to her low level of fame by empty hype ? Aaaaaaaand you’re posting a story about her walking down the street ?? Is this another Hayden Pantieeater deal ? Where you pretend that this site is still about decent comedy and mocking these spoiled nobodies while you’re actually promoting them and becoming just another worthless ‘gossip’ rag ?

  28. FCS

    #21whatever douche. You want t know how you get noticed by Lindsay Lohan?Pull out your blow. That’s how you get noticed by Lindsay lohan.

  29. havoc

    WTF is Heidi Montag? I keep seeing her on here but have no idea who she is or what she does other than being an efficient exchanger of oxygen and carbon dioxide……


  30. ph7

    Retarded or not, I’d bang her like a church bell on Easter morning.

  31. deacon jones

    @7 Its a cumstache, get it right

    Id fuck, from behind, two fisting a belt around her neck, of course

  32. Jimmy Beam

    Just give me 15 minutes alone with her and a bottle of butter spray. Oh Heaven.

  33. morga

    the only worthwhile part of her is those gams…she’s like the inverse of the “Mermaid Problem” (see wikipedia)

    the rest can die in a fire

  34. Duckstyle

    Is she retarded? Yep! Is she talented? OMG no! Would I put my dick in her? YEP! This bitch actually manage to get some decent plastic surgery done. Usually i hate the plastic bitches, but this chick pulled it off, she really does look way better.

  35. Sambo the Ass Pirate

    The “Team Heidi” shirt is missing the word “Tag” in front.

    glad to see ghoulia back, we were running out of retards to fight with.

  36. LL

    Hey, Kingsley Amis, love your work, but how’d you manage to come back from the dead? Kidding, I’m a kidder… I was going to say something really witty and clever about the “first!” people, but decided a reference to a dead English author was cooler.

    About the retard in the Superficial story: she looks a little too much like Ann Coulter for my liking, but I gotta say, her legs look awesome. And for once, her mouth isn’t gaping open. Maybe she’s heard that we’re sick of being able to see her tonsils in every picture. Or maybe it’s the raunchy references to oral sex she didn’t care for. Either way, these pictures actually make her look less offensive to me. Other than that, I don’t give a shit, though I do agree that MySpace should be nuked from orbit, just to be sure.

  37. deacon jones

    Actually, in pic 6, and pic 6 ONLY, she looks like that slut teacher from florida that banged that 15 tr old, remember her, the really hot one that was plastered all over the news, because, well, she was hot

  38. D. Richards (Surgeon.)

    Picture 7′s caption:

    ‘Like, ya’ know, there’s this crunchy greeny stuff, and like, there’s meat, and — eoh, I love ketchup! And fries. Do you have, like, Diet Cola?’

    ‘Ma’am, this is a clothing store. Do you think that we serve hamburgers here?’

  39. Champ

    Man she is Fugly. I cant even enjoy staring at her man made tits because you show her face in every shot. Damn you fish.

  40. deacon jones

    Debra LaFave….that was her name

    (duh duh duh duhhhhh duh duh duh duhhhhh)
    “Hey teacher, Ive gooot myyy pennncil!”

  41. decon jones

    Ms LaFave, I wet my pants. Can you wipe me.

  42. lipper

    …and I wonder why blonds have been given such a bad name. Case and point, Heidi. We never stood a chance. Sigh.

    Every time I see her, I just want to slap the shit out of her. She makes me very angry. Very.

    But she does have some great legs. Bitch.

  43. Racer X


  44. decon jones

    Please hurry Ms LaFave I have to poopy too.

  45. double_Gee

    how did Dane Cook get on the sh*t list ?

  46. granada

    Tarantula hands.

  47. grobpilot

    #42: case “in” point. Just trying to help you out.

  48. deacon jones

    At least spell my name right, silly troll

  49. deacon jones

    @48 Thanks, but you are still a pussy.

  50. ipanema_schuyler

    you all hate on Brooke Hogan but can you imagine the things she could do to this blond idiot?? she could squish her like a moth, set her horse teeth straight, send her to moon, or what not. Little Hulkster rulez!!

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