Heidi Montag in Playboy

August 14th, 2009 // 352 Comments

Because everyone knows Christ loves him some tasteful porn, here’s Heidi Montag posing for the September issue of Playboy, and I pretty much feel like I’m reading the Bible right now. Mostly because I don’t believe any of this is real and I want to beat Spencer Pratt about the face with it. No nudity clause. REPENT!

Photos: Playboy
superficial

  1. IRON TWAT

    @lauri- stop lying.

  2. blank

    don’t you need to be 18 to buy playboy? if so, why is there no tits?

  3. JoeBlow

    Um where is her neck?

    Such a butterface

  4. Pico Mornay

    No Tits, No Pussy, No ass in this pictures!!!! At least we watch them free hope this Playboy Edition go to hell!!!

  5. Joe

    Biggest letdown of the year.

    Overhyped, undertalented tease.

    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..

    I still would though

  6. Rob Bagdasarian

    Seriously… when did Playboy go softcore? I bet Hugh Hefner’s rolling over in his grave and… wait… really? He isn’t dead yet? You’re kidding?

  7. JD

    No complaints here. She slipped a (little) nip in #3, and she was completely naked in #6. It was enough for me this morning.

  8. whattheshit

    No nips? What the hell is the point?

  9. John

    Christ that is a nasty woman / child / thing. I would rather see Paris Hilton’s diseased body over this thing,…

  10. lizzy

    fucking disgusting. when is someone going to poison her already?

  11. LCisUGLY

    Shit, anything is better than Lauren Conrad.

  12. Livinius Nwambe

    Wow… Playboy’s current track record of non-nude shoots is destabilizing my pop-culture history. WTF, what’s with all of the ‘tastefully covered up’ chicks. Playboy’s for nudes, don’t fuck around with it by appeasing celebrities.

  13. Guest

    Just so everybody knows, she was paid

    $$ 500, 000 $$

    to do this.

  14. girl

    first pic doesnt even look like her – thank god.

  15. This is terrible… no nudity in a Playboy!!!

    That being said… I would love to bang the shit out of her… horse face or not.

  16. BringbackBabalu

    Umm, I think you mis-labeled this…it is clearly a Maxim photoshoot… isn’t Playboy for nude photos?

  17. Pat C.

    I actually think she looks pretty good from the neck down.
    These pics aren’t worth buying an issue of Playboy, though.

  18. Alex

    This will be the final nail in playboys coffin. after being made almost completely irrelevant by the internet playboy could still sell because it could at least offer c/d level celebrities desperate for attention willing to show their goods. but now that they’re not even giving that they have nothing to offer at all.

  19. Wayyyy too much plastic in that body for me. If I want to fantisize about that much plastic, I’ll stick to Barbie, thank you very much.

  20. Vince Lombardi

    You can undress a horse, you just can’t make it pretty.

  21. Lisa

    Is it me, or does it look like her face is photo shopped onto a body in some pictures?

    Either way…the pictures are awful, her body is too fake, gross and disproportionate. It’s not attractive trying to look like a human Barbie. But then again, she has no brain.

  22. Bob

    WTF has happend to Playboy.
    Aren’t women in Playboy SUPPOSED to be nude?!

  23. gotmilk?

    so basically this is just like her other ‘photoshoots’ that she does.

    what is going on in the first picture? they can’t be serious with that, right?

    46, you are wrong. heidi does a fine job all on her own giving herself a bad name.

  24. gotmilk?

    so basically this is just like her other ‘photoshoots’ that she does.

    what is going on in the first picture? they can’t be serious with that, right?

    46, you are wrong. heidi does a fine job all on her own giving herself a bad name.

  25. asdf

    pure fucking crap

    no nudity.

  26. Oliver Chester The Molester Lester

    Wow Maxim.

  27. Randal

    Let us all prepare to bow to a true Playboy goddess. If there’s one thing the showbiz world could use a bit more of, in my opinion, it’s a curve or two and Heidi delivers from every angle!

    This radiant beauty will be the most sought after actress not because of her talent but due how she glows like a nova star. PERFECT!

    Randal

  28. Joe

    She was paid half a million to show nothing that is BS. Let this horse faced bitch die in obscurity.

  29. neptune

    I think that “face” in the first pic is going to haunt me for all eternity. I cringe to think that these were considered the BEST pics from the entire shoot.

    38 said it best. lmfao!

  30. Please

    1. Her tits are fake

    2. She has no ass

    3. She’s got only one facial expression – Zoolander style.

    4. Bitch, please.

  31. itsme

    She´s really not beautiful

  32. #1 doesn’t even look like her. What the HELL is wrong with her eyes in #8??? She has a really nice body, regardless of Photoshop, I’ll give her that. But that face…is only a jockey could love. Doink!

  33. TRUTH

    Playboy without full nudity is like beer without alcohol – wtf is the point?!

    If I were Hef I’d strangle that worthless vapid suckhole with the tie she’s wearing.

  34. norton

    What a waste of money that was.

    Playboy lost it’s edge years ago….. Jesus, Maxim has more skin than this.

  35. DrunkenJules

    Even her usual bikini candids/photoshoots reveal more than this. Pathetic job by playboy.

  36. Sport

    You know its comical that her normal ‘photo ops’ are 10x more staged than these, taken in a studio. In any photo she is disgusting and man-made. Ewww.

  37. CHJ

    Love it. I know her tits are fake, and I know her ass would be delicious.

    If she never spoke people would love her.

    Air brush you say? GOOD!!! Thank you for making her look hot so I have something good to perv on.

    Welcome to my “spank bank”…well…welcome back.

  38. ThisGuy

    I’d hit it!! sure she’s got a horse face, but thats a pretty good lookin’ body. Let’s be honest about that people.

  39. Spence

    Disconjugate gaze. C’mon, there has to be at least one other doctor out there…

  40. scabnog

    Swamp donkey

  41. liz

    her nose is completely inconsistent in all the pictures, especially the bridge area. some pictures are sculpted and defined nostrils while the others are relatively normal looking. if you’re going to photoshop, at least make it consistent.

  42. Okay…I’ll bite….

    She looks hot, I got and erection, I masturbated thinking about her.

    There, I said it.

    @ThisGuy …agreed. And I’d be ok with your sloppy seconds.

  43. jew boy

    why would i buy a playboy to see a covered up girl when i can get the same pictures from any other magazine?

  44. jester

    I would rip that christian butthole wide open.

  45. Pox on U

    She’s so pretty. I just don’t understand what she is doing with that weird, wimpy boyfriend.

  46. chick

    Yuck! No redeeming features, she looks nasty and plasticky

  47. nice body butter face...

    Back in the 1800′s they would have ridden her to deliver the mail. Not sure what I hate more about her. Looking at her, Listening to her, or the fact that she believes in all that false jesus crap.

  48. Hef

    WTF If I wanted to see horses I rather go to the Racetrack, for sure I’ll se more nudity there too.
    Boring!

  49. LeilaLei

    Yawn!

    Hey, did anybody see the resembling post to Lady Gaga and HM in the So Freaking Hot column? :D

    And what’s up with the hair?

  50. Randall

    I jack off thinking about Spencer’s skin toned beard.

    Randall

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