Heidi Montag’s A Stripper Now (Basically)

October 4th, 2012 // 45 Comments
Previously On Heidi
Heidi Montag Breasts Implants
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Heidi Montag‘s getting and closer closer to me finally being able to purchase her for the price of a mid-size SUV (Anyone know if her extended warranty covers battery replacement or just routine breast inflation?) because apparently she’s making strip club appearances now for less than what it cost for her left tit. TMZ reports:

The former MTV reality star has struck a $25,000 deal to appear at the Crazy Horse III strip club in Vegas on October 19 … but there’s a pretty big catch.
Montag — and her G-cup boobs — will not be getting naked. So, patrons will only get a chance to throw money at giant unfamous boobs that night.

Yes, because I’m sure Heidi will just show up to a strip club and content herself with only making $25,000. “Hearing Spencer complain about living off of Chef Boyardee and watching non-premium gay porn is a dream come true,” she’s always saying. “It has been 976 days since last vagina receptacle use. Please insert cleaning cartridge beep bop boop,” is another favorite.

Photos: Crazy Horse

superficial

  1. Jack Ketch

    Wasn’t that her ony “talent” ? And even THAT is plastic :| Yawn.

  2. One step closer to the porn career she, and every other reality show asshole, was destined for.

  3. Deacon Jones

    Will Spencer be letting the horned up men finish in his mouth after she walks off stage?

    (dick stuffed in mouth) “mmph…tat’ll be…fove dollla’s”

  4. Crazy Horse III strip club Huh? Ok u mean like The Godfather Part 3? That good hey?

  5. Cock Dr

    Posting about Heidi Plastic Montag = slow celebrity news day
    Put up more Photoshopped Romney sight gags pleeze.

  6. Lil Benny Waffle

    If she has G-cups boobs, then I’m satisfied with my life choices and not posting stupid comments on the internet.

  7. alex

    They blew through millions and didn’t think the gravy train would ever end. I guess not ALL PR is good PR.

  8. Rapsutin's Evil Twin

    G-cup boobs? That’s the top six inches of a pair of 2 liter bottles, right? In her case, the caps are still on them, for easy maintenance and refilling.

    She’s about as erotic as a soda bottle display in the supermarket, but with more plastic.

  9. The Royal Penis

    How apropos is it that a crazy horseface is making a appearance at the Crazy Horse Gentlmen’s(ahem) Club?

  10. Dave

    FF to porn please…

  11. Heidi Montag Crazy Horse Stripping Bikini
    Anthony
    Commented on this photo:

    The free limo ride seals the deal

  12. AlyLaff1002

    Her face is… Mannish. I don’t know how to say that nicely.

  13. Anastasia Beaverhausen

    She’s exactly where she belongs.

  14. Heidi Montag Crazy Horse Stripping Bikini
    Alexggb
    Commented on this photo:

    I almost feel sorry for her, but I don’t. Such a fame whore.. Now she’s just a whore.

  15. USDA Prime McBeef

    I can jerk off to plastic horses at most any children’s toy store.

  16. Courtney Stodden cleans up well.

  17. Errm…why would they not show a photo of her WITH her giant implants? That’s a total “before shot”; at least after her first augmentation. But it is also before she messed up her jawline so I can kind of understand…

  18. Heidi Montag Crazy Horse Stripping Bikini
    fuckface
    Commented on this photo:

    I am pretty sure Jesus would approve.

  19. I imagine getting a lapdance from her with all that plastic, would sound like a balloon being rubbed on my crotch.

  20. why god

    I am sorry there is nothing hot or attractive about her. She is an idiot and she is too fake. Everything about her is fake. Hair, face, body and even her tits. YUCK YUCK YUCK.

  21. This is SO exciting, she is one step closer to porn. It’s taken longer than I thought it would, I have to give her credit for sticking to her ideals. Sadly ideals dont put food on the table (Neither does her worthless husband). SO off she must go to stripping and please hurry….porn. YES!!

  22. Heidi Montag Crazy Horse Stripping Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Appearing at a strip club to perform fully clothed shows a significant disconnect with the value the public places on her as a human being. Hint: It’s zero. take your fucking clothes off.

    • Back in my day, strippers took off their clothes, and shook their teats around, and you gave them dollars! Ah, the good old days.

      • I saw a stripper at a club called “Saigon Passion” in the Chinatown district of Honolulu once. She danced fully nude for 3 songs before lying on her back and locking her ankles behind her ears.

        Then without warning, a pingpong ball launched from her gooey snatch and hit the guy next to me in the forehead. For an instant…just a split second…it stuck, hung suspended by skanky vag butter as the men surrounding the stage stared in horror with gaping mouths.

        Then the ball fell into his beer and the fellow laughed and drank it. Even the stripper looked at him like “dude, you saw where that was…right?”

      • BTW, that is a true story.

      • McFeely, I love you, so don’t take my simultaneous cry-vomiting as any sort of a slam.

      • Jester

        That might be the greatest nudie bar story ever told.

      • Mama Pinkus

        I very much enjoy a week that includes a McFeely story. WOO!!

  23. cc

    Hmmm, seeing Heidi Montag, how much would I pay? Less than what I’d pay for an Oh, Henry certainly.

  24. Queef Sister

    Well, she has to pay for her new penis surgery somehow.

  25. Oh no does this mean that we’ll be hearing about them again?

  26. Weirdo

    I’d like to stick a twenty in her 2hole and pull it out with my teeth!

  27. I’d like to see her birthday suit before she’s had too many birthdays to justify checking her out. And NO, IT HASN’T HAPPENED YET. But time marches on…

  28. `Helena Handbasket

    Jesus, fish, everything was going so well with Jon Hamm’s penis, and then you have to go and print this shit. I never need to see this plastic bitch or her douchebag husband ever again, thank you.

  29. anonym

    fucked up face.

    i wouldn’t spend a single dollar on the show.

    I’d pelt her with nickels if she got on stage.
    Pick those up, bitch. That’s all you’re worth.

  30. vegas stripper

    I am a dancer at the Crazy Horse. Spencer called me over to give a friend in his party a dance. Instead..Heidi ended up giving me lap dance after lap dance. She didnt get naked but really loved the attention. She was wasted and just as vacant as shr seems on TV. She is not a very intelligent girl. Spencer was hilarious however.

  31. vegas stripper

    Oh and ps everything about her is fake but her hair is real and she made sure I knew and made me feel hee head for extensions. Its real.

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