Heidi Montag’s Still Alive

May 21st, 2012 // 61 Comments
Previously On Heidi
Heidi Montag Drunk Birthday
Why Sex-Robots Shouldn't Drink Read More »

And this is why future sex robots should be biodegradable. How many times do I have say it?

The last time Heidi Montag was on the site it was September 2011, although some of us will always believe in our hearts that she never really left us. Anyway, here she is making a rare, and completely surprising, public appearance at Kristin Cavallari‘s baby shower who apparently wanted to feel really, really good about herself because pregnancy can be a motherfucker on the ol’ self esteem.

KRISTIN: Ohmygod, Heidi! How have you been? Tell me everything.
HEIDI: Well, my plastic surgeries are really starting to hurt, but the doctors say I can’t die because I’m technically not even human anymore. Also, I’m still married to Spencer- wow, you are really beaming. Pregnancy glow?
KRISTIN: Sure. Hey, you know what would be fun? Let’s talk about your music career!

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News


  1. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    She sounds just like Robocop when she walks.

  2. I complained because they are way too huge and fake. That goes for the tits also.

  3. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    does she realize how terrible she looks with those tits?

    • Looks like she took the Cow’s ass and put it on her chest.

    • vgrly

      Those tits make her look fat and we know she’s not.

    • I really need to see those tits bouncing as her nude oil covered body bounces up and down on my penis as I lie on my back and do absolutely nothing to help until I erupt in spurts before I can make that assumption.
      I figure that after she experience another year or two of unemployment I should be able to get that chance at the Mustang Ranch. I’m imagining her dick head husband will have the coveted job of mop boy there by then.

      • Jillia

        As warm and fuzzy as that sounds, and I hate to burst your bubble, but those tits? Those tits right there do NOT bounce.

  4. As far as I can tell this site alone was propping up her fame. When the coverage here ended that was pretty much it- she had no choice but to take Spencer’s balls and go home.

  5. Speidi? Oh, shit. There goes the Superficial.

  6. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    ya know… aside from the whole “horrible excuse for a human being” she’s actually bangable looking (for store bought pretty anyway)

  7. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    Dividing the pict is really a head trip. From the chest up, it could be Angeline; Chest and purse it could be Jessica Simpson; from the waist down, Avril Levine? Miley Cyrus? I don’t even know.

  8. What the FUCK? They “find” Nick Stahl and all of a sudden everyone else who wasn’t missing also pops up to check in? Hint: if we’re not filing a missing person’s report, we don’t fucking care about you.

    And you might want to consider that if you do jump up and start calling attention to yourself – and I’m looking at you, Spencer Asshole Pratt – that hitman I hired has no more convenient excuses to postpone the job.

  9. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    The car door must be opened for her since she cant see anything past her tits.

  10. bleached anus! yes please!

  11. CardinalFang

    Bitch bitch bitch. Who do you guys like? Please don’t tell me Rihanna.

  12. El Jefe

    She needs to just do porn already.

  13. Mister Monkey

    Yeah she’s plastic, but I still want to bang her. Bang her hard.

  14. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    I swore this was Jess Simpson until I saw the headline.
    Could almost feel sorry for this dummy…..she and partner in dumbness threw away how much money in their futile pursuit of everlasting beauty & UltraFame?

  15. Deacon Jones

    I never thought I would say this, but what a sight for sore eyes!

  16. jumpin_j


  17. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    she’s looking better actually.

    she just needs to get rid of the huge tits

    she was naturally anyways

  18. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    those big tits need to go

  19. CranAppleSnapple


  20. Alex

    It’s like a wax museum with a pulse.

  21. USDA Prime McBeef
  22. Murphy

    I’d buy that for a dollar.

  23. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    > I just love fake stripper tits on dumb chicks.
    > BTW Fish, I never once complained about having the human Barbi in any kind of pose that exposed those enormous plastic/flesh melons or any other medically enhanced parts. It’s when you included that ass wipe boyfriend that used to irk me to no end.
    > Speaking of that useless douche, do they still live in the basement of his parents house, or have they taken big step and gotten a double-wide of their own yet?

  24. Archie Leach

    If a truck hit Montag and splattered her all over the place they’d have to call out the hazmat specialists in specialist protective gear to clean up the mess.

  25. Fish, as I read these posts, it’s evident that many of the Superficial “readers” not only miss Heidi, but would appreciate having her come back in all kinds of stupid and embarrassing photos that we could mock to high heaven.
    It is also evident that we want to have nothing to do with her husband, What’s his Name. Perhaps you could cut him out of the pictures or at least replace him with various close-ups of LOLcat faces.

  26. sobrietyisacrutch

    Pretty (shitty) In Pink

  27. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    Nice balloons.

  28. El Jefe

    I hated her when she was around but the shit that has popped up since she has been gone makes me want her back. Not the Spencer douche though, he can stay the fuck away.

  29. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Jack Ketch
    Commented on this photo:

    @ Yeahhu … they DO need to go. Her plastic surgeon died in an awful car accident (probably while texting), but can’t she go to another surgeon and have them removed ffs ? Oh right … she probably can’t afford it. They look ridiculous don’t they ? Worse than Pam’s. Block out the fucking sun, why don’t you ?

  30. Jack Ketch

    And we still don’t care if she is or not.

  31. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    I just lost a few brain cells looking at this photo

  32. ohnoshedidnt

    …Define “alive.”

  33. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    she’s a cute girl-next door. Her tits are the right size in my opinion and all the better that they are fake. Real tits are gross and soft and floppy–especially when they are big.

  34. ace11

    I am going to get killed for this BUT

    i actually like her tits

  35. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Grand Poobah
    Commented on this photo:

    for someone who has had these hundreds of surgeries to be perfect, she seems to have an awful fucking warped view of what is perfect as she looks horrible. Trailer trash on steroids. Is she doing this to be taken serious because if this is the case its an enormous (as big as her fake tits) fail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I think we should start moooin her too!!!

  36. It’s been so long since I last saw Heidi that she almost looks fuckable. But I could go forever without seeing her fucking dick head, piece of shit spouse, good old, unforgettable, Whatever-His-Name-Is.

  37. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    Well, it was a nice run while it lasted.

  38. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    Is a blow up doll really an appropriate baby shower gift?

  39. Cakeflourz

    Did anyone else think of Portal when they read the title?

  40. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Tits McGee
    Commented on this photo:

    Meh, doesn’t really look as bad as right after the surgery…probably because she’s finally healed and all the swelling has gone down. Too much make up and I reckon she starts looking like life-sized Barbie again.

    That said, I bet Spencer absolutely declares war on those tits whenever he gets a chance. Sure they’re big and fake but they’re not too obnoxious to slap around for a few hours a night.

  41. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    I think that her breast make her body look bigger. She is naturally tiny but those boobs looks funny on her. She is beautiful I’m a heidi fan but I think she looked better before :(

  42. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    Probably the only way ol’ Spencer’s “absolutely declaring war” on anything is if there’s a wiener hiding underneath it, or something.


  43. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    I am so happy about how stupid she looks.

  44. Wake me up when this bitch dies.

  45. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    Why does she have a balloon for a girl??

  46. Heidi Montag Kristin Cavallari Baby Shower
    Commented on this photo:

    We’re not happy about how stupid you look.


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