Heidi Montag Just Likes to Feel Useful

September 8th, 2010 // 121 Comments

And now for the most shocking, and unpredictable news of the day: Heidi Montag is in a bikini! I realize some of you might not believe it, but let it be known, I admire your skepticism.

Here she is in Costa Rica yesterday pretending the paparazzi are somehow taking pictures of her from inside her house because that happens all the time and is entirely legal. On that note, anyone notice how she’s knocking back two strawberry daiquiris? Granted, one might be Spencer‘s, who’s hiding behind the water noodles until the shoot’s over, but then again, I’m not seeing a penis straw and/or a man’s washboard abs for it to be poured down which means Heidi’s a drunk. SHOW US YOUR BOOBS NIPPLE PARTS.

Photos: Pacific Coast News


  1. eoe

    looks like she needs some chapstick. she has a very nice body tho. her face not so much

  2. The Cardinal

    Looks like an ex girlfriend of mine. She got fat eventually.

  3. jesse

    she got a sick body but she got another nose job! wow i dont think the michael jackson nose fallin off is a good look .

  4. Heidi Montag Bikini
    oh bill
    Commented on this photo:

    wtf?? why is my penis actually responding to her these days? hm…

  5. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    her body may be good, but that’s the result of a LOT of surgery, and let’s not even talk about those repulsive tits

    • opinion

      Thats the thing, look her ITG is starting to close in. Sign of her getting fatter. She is on the brink of chubbying out. You can tell by her face.

  6. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I know she is dumb as a piece of toast… But just scroll down the page until you just see a body… Isn’t that just a lovely sight? Huh? Too bad is attached to that empty head…

  7. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m shocked that I think she actually looks pretty here.

  8. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Sad Panda.
    Commented on this photo:

    Have you noticed how she barely even smiles anymore, after she turned herself into a plastic doll?

    And even if she does, you can still see sadness in her eyes.

    I wonder what the fuck is going on…

  9. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Weird Al
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s looking a bit better around the face now that the swelling has gone gone. Now she only looks like a semi-bimbo – except for the watermelons, of course.

  10. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Dear Heidi,

    Please do porn.


    • Really

      Gonna take a sick fuck to do a bestiality porno with that goat. Guess your first in line huh? You ever seen a real woman before?

  11. Heading to rough management classes

    Charged email? Cmon Fernando Flores. Brit Brit is not on this blog. I know its you…

  12. DogBoy

    FU Spammer

  13. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks so utterly sad and empty. She’s beautiful. I feel like I just want to hug and tickle her until you laughed and cried. Seriously, she looks so hollow. Looks aside, that girl needs a hug. A genuine hug.

  14. she looks better without the band aid on her nose. almost a five now

  15. baby's d!ck

    that just totally looks like Michael Jackson’s nose, not even joking right now,
    she really is looking like a monster in the face, she is starting to remind of Bride of Frankenstein

    looks like a freaking Mummy!

    • Says the 500 lbs jealous loser.

      • baby's d!ck

        Is ok Natalie

        Cosmetic Surgeries are ok, In moderation
        judging by your comments you must either,
        a) Had some of them done
        b) work in the field of Surgeries
        c) are in love with Heidi

        Either way, she looks freakish, the stuff she is doing to her face is just awful, You cannot tell me with a straight face that her nose does not remind you if Michael Jackson, because it just does, it just totally looks like his nose,

        OF course, I would totally do her, Her tits are enormous and she looks like she could handle ana l very well, I would love to go a$$ to mouth on her,
        But that is just the body, her face still looks like a freakish Mummy or something, someone should get this girl counseling

        and no, i am not 500, I am 170, and 5.9, so your insult, Up your a$$ bitch :D LOL

      • Mmm, 500 lb lobster.

  16. Wow, I never thought I’d say this, but she looks gorgeous in these pics! She definitely looks better with less makeup and without that stupid nose tape she’s been wearing. It must also be because the swelling is finally going down.

  17. Jester

    Glad to see she still has her monster tits, they looked normal in the pink bikini, but here they are clearly huge. Dope or not, I have missed not seeing her fine-self doing something fng stupid lately.

  18. froghammer

    I really preferred the shots without makeup. Much cuter.

  19. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like she’s had something else done because she does look different.

  20. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I wanna see her naked so bad

  21. Al

    Shit she looks good, all she’s got to do is lose that 150 pound cancer attached to her, get a real manager and grow the fuck up.

  22. memem

    would love to bust a nut on that chest

  23. She's Hot

    She’s looking real good. I hope she can not over do the plastic surgery now.

  24. timmy the dying boy

    Wow, those tits look totally ridiculous.

  25. captain america


  26. quell

    the paparazzi laws in costa rica are very strict, and tourism is their #1 industry, so keeping guests’ privacy is paramount and has been for decades. paparazzi, pphhht. no way.

  27. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Daaamn she’s hot.

  28. Mrs. Garrett

    I don’t think she looks well at all. There’s something so OFF about her – she looks swollen, like her body is rejecting all the plastic or something. Poor little thing is headed straight for a nervous breakdown.

  29. i’d actually pay to have sex with her, but then again i dont pay for sex..just sayin

  30. Does she look unnatural? Of course. Is she fuckable? Definitely.

    The chick I’m fucking currently is plain as fuck, & 30lbs overweight, & I don’t give a shit because I like actually having sex, instead of talking shit about women who are better looking than any chick I’ve ever fucked.

    Make all the claims you want about fucking girls way hotter than this, but the fact that you’re trolling this site tells us everything we need to know.

  31. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    she looks great!
    except for the fake boobs and severe chin and nose…
    I’d make her watch me fuck her

  32. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I agree, girl needs a real hug ASAP. I’d still totally bone her, but put in some cuddling time afterwards. Best of both world.

  33. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I want a pool.

  34. Nik

    Chick’s that belong on the superficial. She’s one of them

    notice the difference between her and snooki, or that fat chick on labour day post, or chick version of sean penn

  35. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Even the haters think this woman’s body is perfect (minus the balloonies of course). She has perfect shape, legs, abs, arms, ass. Shame about the donkey face though.

  36. shilla

    yay, she looks 40 again!

  37. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    her face is lookin a lot better. and that bod is great. she just needs to get more realistic lookin boobs. has a little too much makeup tho.

  38. salsa

    She does have a Xanax or Prozac kind of look in her eyes…

  39. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I think I liked her better with the metly nose tape on.

  40. scandalous

    I think I have fallen in love with this broad, sh does look fucking delicious there is no denying that i would eat that poon all night long

  41. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    please sort the roots out heidi, ewwww

  42. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I bet her pussy smells like strawberries

  43. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I imagine that what she would look like if she were grabbing my cock

  44. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    after all the surgery she still looks like a wet Rat. nice roots and those tits are horrible. best bet is bend over and lets look at that corn hole

  45. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I would tap that . . .

  46. Turd Ferguson

    $8k/week to sit around and take bikini pics of yourself to try and remain relevant.
    Great career advice. She will need that money in about 18 month when Hollyweird is done with her and kicked her to the curb.

  47. Crabby Old Guy

    She needs to cut to the chase and do an around the world sex tape with some football team taking turns on her. She can then get some quick cash, stick it in the bank (or under a mattress) and “retire”. Perhaps a future career as a “counselor” to young girls on how to avoid becoming a human manikin.

  48. whowok

    She’ll feel very useful in my bed.

  49. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I need to see her naked. Don’t let me down, Fish. I know you’ve got this.

  50. Heidi Montag Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Say whatever else you will, but this girl is smokin’ hot…..

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