Heidi Banged Spencer’s Man

June 14th, 2010 // 65 Comments

Heidi Montag has supposedly moved into the house of Cougar Zank, the former Marine who previously lived with Heidi and Spencer as their bodyguard. This news has sent Spencer into a fit of jealousy because he was almost positive crystals turned other dudes gay. It said so right in the instructions. RadarOnline reports:

But when Heidi and Spencer split a month ago, Zank invited Heidi to stay with him at a home he rents in Malibu.
That made Spencer’s hair stand on end.
He considered Cougar HIS friend, and he’s convinced himself the only reason Cougar would have sided with Heidi in the split is that “he wanted her for himself,” a well-placed source tells RadarOnline.com.

In the meantime, Heidi is now convinced Spencer was cheating on her last month with a woman, so you can just go ahead and ignore everything in this quote because it didn’t happen:

“She is very anxious to find out if her suspicions and the rumors are true, especially if he’s spent any money on another woman.
“Heidi has hired a former member of the sheriff department, who now works as a private investigator, to look into it,” the source reveals.
“It is really important to Heidi to find out if Spencer has been cheating on her.”

What’s great about this fake separation is these two are pulling out all the stops to sell this thing and absolutely no one’s buying it. Which means it’s only a matter of time until Heidi’s making a sex tape with this Cougar guy while Spencer tries to pretend he’s not the one filming it.

SPENCER: We’re seeing way too much of Heidi’s vag. Coug, flip her over.
COUGAR: Like this.
SPENCER: No. Something’s not right. Can we get a fake beard in here? Preferably blonde.
HEIDI: *psssssssssssssss*
SPENCER: Ohgodohgod, she’s leaking! Duct tape. Get the duct tape!

Photos: Pacific Coast News

superficial

  1. Que

    Que fall from cliff?

  2. Michelle

    first and ho bag

  3. Castallare

    1) I don’t mean to be all Caucasian on you but I thought I should note that, after 6 years, this is the first time I’ve seen a misuse of punctuation. I think that actually says a lot about your writing, though.

    2) WHY THE SHIT ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THEM?!!? See, here’s the thing: Everyone knows they’re attention whores. Everybody hates that they just fling themselves in front of the paparazzi with these completely pathetic, contrived efforts to be “famous”. But then, instead of ignoring them like the idiot losers in 10th grade who think they’re way cooler than they actually are because someone in the group’s dad had dinner with Chris Noth one time, WE KEEP PAYING ATTENTION TO THEM. Which is, incidentally, EXACTLY what they want?! Don’t you see!? We have to break the cycle, Fish. And you can be the one to do it. The power is in your hands…

    • Karma

      Mmmimpeccable grammar. I had honestly started to think it didn’t exist on the web. Hopefully your acumen is contagious.

    • Anon

      Are you kidding? Fish messes up his grammar, punctuation, spelling, word choice, etc. all the time. He’s really a bad writer, at least concerning technicalities.

  4. S
    Commented on this photo:

    who the hell would even consider sleeping with a guy who wears a shirt like that (pics 3-5). i mean, really.

  5. Commented on this photo:

    When did Mario Lopez have Steven Seagal’s child and how did he get to be so old?

  6. I’m not sure why Heidi would be so quick to move so fast after such a heart wrenching break off with the only true man she’s ever loved. This is a dagger in the heart for any man but to do so with Cougar Zank? Then to turn around and say Spencer was cheating? Come on Heidi, you’re smarter than that.

    Randal

  7. S

    who the hell would even consider sleeping with a guy who wears a shirt like that (pics 3-5). i mean, really.

  8. Harold^Sick
    Commented on this photo:

    Firstfail.

  9. Chris
    Commented on this photo:

    That fat dude is banging Heidi?? There’s hope for me yet!

  10. josh

    What’s wrong with these people ? Degenerated America at his best.

  11. Heroiny
    Commented on this photo:

    Get off my car, you skank.

  12. WTF

    what a surprise!!!!!!!!!! just pass her around like all the other hollywood trash bitch whores. maybe boy spencer can stay around topic up the jizz towels and used condoms…………LOL spency boy

  13. yaya

    Give the poor girl a break. At least now she’s getting some. Finally!

  14. Commented on this photo:

    Really? He’s named Cougar Zank? WTF!?

  15. Commented on this photo:

    She apparently would bang anything since Spencer wasn’t doing it.

  16. Photoshop Police

    Cougar Zank sounds like something you’d do in the privacy of your home with an attractive, aggressive older woman.

  17. joe blow
    Commented on this photo:

    So the Marines have landed on Montag’s grand Tetons… why do I not care what this publicity whore does?

  18. Cardinal Fang

    Get the Fuck of the SS!

  19. Cardinal Fang

    Get the Fuck off the SS!

  20. FrankNfrtr

    Let’s hope this former Marine bangs that vapid plastic girl so hard she can’t walk.
    If she can’t walk then it’s unlikely she’ll be staging any photo opps.

  21. dude

    For fuck’s sake, Fake Randal, if you’re going to register the name you better use it wisely as Randal actually would! Dumbass! Don’t you even get what we’ve been doing all along?

  22. I won’t believe it until I see the sex-tape.

  23. turd da third

    I thought she said that with all her surgeries she was too fragile for sex.. maybe it was just mutual masterbation leading to some face cream…

  24. e
    Commented on this photo:

    so she traded on douche for another, hollwood rocks.

  25. JD

    “Cougar Zank?” Bullshit. Nobody is fucking named “Cougar Zank.”

    I hate all these people, and they should die screaming under a sheet of burning plastic.

  26. See Alice

    Nasty Nasty Nasty in a gross way .

  27. Gando

    Hmm,this move of her remarkable.

  28. Mcfeely Smackup
    Commented on this photo:

    both those douches need to get their asses off that 43 year old Camaro. show some respect you fucking morons.

  29. bimbamboing

    What happened to her reality-show ‘girl’ friend?

  30. Rhialto

    Dunno,i guess she’d prefer to be treated rough?

  31. Iloveheidi

    Heidi don’t mess things up any further, Spencer is the one for you. He didn’t even leave after all those surgeries. Stand by your man!

    • FrankNfrtr

      Heidi should follow her heart.
      Which man has the biggest cock & the best weed? And isn’t a gay faced crystal loving douchebag?

  32. bar room hero

    staged bullshit…

    Heidi looks like a tranny.

    slag.

  33. bar room hero
    Commented on this photo:

    Does this guy work in waste management in the NY, NJ area????

  34. Nameless

    No way that guy is gay. Look at the shirt he is wearing. If he is hitting it, good for him. Spencer can go kill himself now.

  35. Nudgie

    Fake Fake Fake. Why don’t you bloggers STFU about these two?????

  36. e

    Spencer, u need to get ur rifle.
    u need to load it Spencer.
    u need to lock all ur doors and windows.
    u need to call the police and explain to them u are going to start shooting people.
    now is the time Spencer.
    u need to do this now Spencer.

  37. captain america

    yep: ANOTHER FAT AMERICAN ASSHOLE, folks!!

  38. RasputinsLiver

    *

    Nah. You can’t trust Speidi and anyone who plays their game, like their Marine dude. They’ve cried wolf so many times with their PR stunts that I wouldn’t put anything past those two gizmos.

    Wouldn’t be surprised to one day read where it says that this, too, was another of these two fuckups’ little PR shananigans.

    Dumbass, vapid famehwores.

    *

  39. Dog
    Commented on this photo:

    Bros before hos, dude.

  40. Shame

    I thought for sure she would be banging black guys

  41. wtf
    Commented on this photo:

    LAST! As in last time fish should cover this complete waste of space bag of plastic.

  42. PunkA

    If you’re going to pretend that Heidi has moved on, at least do it with a younger, more fit guy. This is totally unbelevable, and noteven funny in a stupid way. damn, but The Hills PR team is slipping bad.

  43. Miss Bitch

    How is a guy working as a bodyguard gonna rent a house in Malibu? The stankiest shithole goes for $15k a month during the summer months. That house has to be at least $25,000 – $75,000. for the summer.

    I hate those two obnoxious pigs. Please stop talking about them. I’m begging.

  44. tomas

    I’m sick of Tranni Montag…

  45. kelley

    TYPO … it is dudes and not dude’s, Fish, come on now.

  46. KJ

    This is just another way for them to get back into the headlines! They are not broken up…in fact, this sounds like the Kate and Jon love triangle with Kates bodyguard…even that pic of Heidi sitting on the car, supposedly, talking to this man looks so fake! Stop talking about these lames….it is so dam annoying.
    The only thing that I know is real, for a fact; Spencer needs some serious anti-psychotics, dude is majorly warped!

  47. Whatever
    Commented on this photo:

    Heidi is starting to look like Jocelyn Wildenstein

  48. ohnoes

    Sick of this bitch.

  49. neil

    HOOOOOOOOORSEFAAAAACED HOSEBAAAGGG!!!

  50. She´s still hot. =P

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