Heidi Banged Spencer’s Man

Heidi Montag has supposedly moved into the house of Cougar Zank, the former Marine who previously lived with Heidi and Spencer as their bodyguard. This news has sent Spencer into a fit of jealousy because he was almost positive crystals turned other dudes gay. It said so right in the instructions. RadarOnline reports:

But when Heidi and Spencer split a month ago, Zank invited Heidi to stay with him at a home he rents in Malibu.
That made Spencer’s hair stand on end.
He considered Cougar HIS friend, and he’s convinced himself the only reason Cougar would have sided with Heidi in the split is that “he wanted her for himself,” a well-placed source tells RadarOnline.com.

In the meantime, Heidi is now convinced Spencer was cheating on her last month with a woman, so you can just go ahead and ignore everything in this quote because it didn’t happen:

“She is very anxious to find out if her suspicions and the rumors are true, especially if he’s spent any money on another woman.
“Heidi has hired a former member of the sheriff department, who now works as a private investigator, to look into it,” the source reveals.
“It is really important to Heidi to find out if Spencer has been cheating on her.”

What’s great about this fake separation is these two are pulling out all the stops to sell this thing and absolutely no one’s buying it. Which means it’s only a matter of time until Heidi’s making a sex tape with this Cougar guy while Spencer tries to pretend he’s not the one filming it.

SPENCER: We’re seeing way too much of Heidi’s vag. Coug, flip her over.
COUGAR: Like this.
SPENCER: No. Something’s not right. Can we get a fake beard in here? Preferably blonde.
HEIDI: *psssssssssssssss*
SPENCER: Ohgodohgod, she’s leaking! Duct tape. Get the duct tape!

Photos: Pacific Coast News