Hayden Panettiere, we need to talk

I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to come right out with it: I’m no longer harboring a secret crush towards you.

I’m sorry if I’ve just shattered your world as you know it. Really I am. And if it makes you feel any better, it’s not you (Or your terrible acting on this season’s Heroes.) You’ve done nothing wrong (Except, again, the acting.) It’s me. I’ve changed.

And, while we’re being honest, I think you should know there’s someone else. It’s Mila Kunis. I mean, have you seen her lately? Who knew she had cleavage? That’s like finding out there’s two Christmases, and one of them has boobs. On the other hand, there’s you, sweet Hayden and, well, let’s be frank: Nobody knows what’s going on there (I’ve talked to doctors.). For a while I was convinced you had breasts, but it’s time to admit I was only fooling myself. A lot. Like at least once a day if not twice. And sometimes – you know what? I’m getting off track.

I hope things don’t get weird between us. If you ever wear a bikini or flash some beave, I want you to know, I’ll still write a post about it. That’s what friends do. But I’m afraid this is our last goodbye. Feel free to let yourself out. Or walk through the doggy door one final time before I nail it shut. Which, I hope you’ll agree, is for the best.

Goodbye, my love. Goodbye. – – Is she gone? I can never tell. JESUS CHRIST! She was behind a shoe. I mean, hey there, beautiful princess…

Photos: Splash News