Hayden Panettiere, we need to talk

October 2nd, 2008 // 60 Comments

I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to come right out with it: I’m no longer harboring a secret crush towards you.

I’m sorry if I’ve just shattered your world as you know it. Really I am. And if it makes you feel any better, it’s not you (Or your terrible acting on this season’s Heroes.) You’ve done nothing wrong (Except, again, the acting.) It’s me. I’ve changed.

And, while we’re being honest, I think you should know there’s someone else. It’s Mila Kunis. I mean, have you seen her lately? Who knew she had cleavage? That’s like finding out there’s two Christmases, and one of them has boobs. On the other hand, there’s you, sweet Hayden and, well, let’s be frank: Nobody knows what’s going on there (I’ve talked to doctors.). For a while I was convinced you had breasts, but it’s time to admit I was only fooling myself. A lot. Like at least once a day if not twice. And sometimes – you know what? I’m getting off track.

I hope things don’t get weird between us. If you ever wear a bikini or flash some beave, I want you to know, I’ll still write a post about it. That’s what friends do. But I’m afraid this is our last goodbye. Feel free to let yourself out. Or walk through the doggy door one final time before I nail it shut. Which, I hope you’ll agree, is for the best.

Goodbye, my love. Goodbye. – - Is she gone? I can never tell. JESUS CHRIST! She was behind a shoe. I mean, hey there, beautiful princess…

Photos: Splash News

  1. Dingoatemybaby


  2. Dingoatemybaby


  3. star_bury

    It’s time for good news to be sandwiched between a couple of slices of bad news…

    Bad news: You thought that leprechaun (sp??) was crush-worthy to begin with…

    Good news: Mila is a much better choice….

    Bad news: She wasn’t legal when you liked her and now she is, you don’t. Something you’re not telling us???

  4. AAAA

    First!!!! She is fuking hot

  5. combustion8

    oh how I’d love to hit that.

  6. Wait a minute Superfish dont make any hasty decisions, I think those pecks can redeem itself if the nips and milk ducts point upwards.. that end curve!

  7. UK_Matt

    Saw a trailer for Heros in which she’s got dark hair in some future look. She looks fucking hot. If she gets to filth up as Future Claire thats going to be something to look forward to.

  8. everybody

    Yeah right…Fish, write that about Heidi and Spencer and we’ll be impressed.

  9. James

    I don’t like the lipstick. And I don’t think those shoes work with that outfit. Other than that, I think Hayden is hot.

  10. simplicity

    seriously, where did the original writer go?
    it’s obvious it’s not the same person.

    ya just aren’t funny
    so please quit doing this and go get the old guy back
    or get someone new.


    and she’s pretty, no idea what the point is to this silly post of yours.

  11. glace neuf

    i’d hit it repeatedly

  12. Randal

    First of all, let me start by saying that Heroes is a better show because of Hayden, not the other way around. Who is this writer, huh? Hayden has been nothing but an inspiration and rating climber since appearing on the show and not only that, she’s nice to look at too.

    Don’t let the haters swamp you Hayden, they don’t know what they’re talking about.


  13. Boars Head

    I finally watch “Heroes,” what a piece of shit, just how does this trash get made. She is so ugly in it, and she looks like she is 13.

    I wouldn’t have her even if someone brought her to me naked on a silver plattter.

  14. Bill Clinton

    She’d look just fine with her lips wrapped around my Johnston.

    She’s the cutest troll in hollywood!

  15. Bill Clinton

    She’d look just fine with her lips wrapped around my Johnson.

    She’s the cutest troll in hollywood!

  16. suck it


  17. Ashley

    Who cares if she doesn’t have massive cleavage? She’s still beautiful.

  18. freeside

    You crazy, man. She is adorable.

  19. Vince Lombardi

    Dude… Mila Kunis has a massive overbite. We’re talking Freddie Mercury here. Well, maybe not Freddie. Freddie could pry caps off bottles with his teeth without actually opening his mouth. But look at the 1st pic of Mila on the link. At first I thought she had a retainer sticking out of her mouth.

    One thing a girl’s gotta have. Nice teeth. Kirsten Dunst wouldn’t get the time of day from me. Nor Anna Paquin.

  20. Heroes is my favorite show!!!!!!

    Why aren’t we posting any pictures of Sylar??

  21. Sgt. C. Foxtrot

    What I don’t get is why HEROES gets featured when Chuck doesn’t.

    Yvonne Strahovski is hot.

  22. Dude

    nice to see the good writer is back on the posting way

    Mila Kunis is way better than this nagger

  23. sirrix

    Okay. Obviously Fish doesn’t have the greatest taste in women – Aniston, Hayden here, Kunis, whatever. The REAL ISSUE is this: Just because you finally realized Hayden can’t act you’re no longer posting about her?

    What about the 70274 times we have all asked that you stop posting about Heidi Montag? HUH, FISH? HUH?

    You can write about Hayden and Heroes and Ju Ju Bees and how I routinely eat Rice Krispies for dinner all you want – but if this is any indication of a trend, please let your loyal followers know that you’ve also given up on the Montag. Please?

  24. veggi

    #10 – James – “I don’t like the lipstick. And I don’t think those shoes work with that outfit. Other than that, I think Hayden is hot.”

    Um…yeah…ok, “James.” Maybe you’d think she looked better if she used the shade of lipstick your boyfriend puts around his anus.

  25. rule

    Miniature chicks are cute until they’re 17. Then they begin turning into trolls. Only normal-size chicks are genuinely attractive as adults.

  26. Grizzlies

    Damn, are acid-washed jeans back in style?

  27. Vivienne

    She has a really really pretty face, and her body looks real, young, healthy and perky, not emaciated like some……………….I like it

  28. She was junk to begin with. Like an elfin dwarf. She already has cellulite on her legs.You’re better off with Mila Kunis.

  29. Allison

    So…everyone’s cool with the fact that Mila Kunis is dating Macaulay Culkin? Just checking…

  30. norton

    Personally I think that’s a nice rack. They won’t be sitting on her hip bones in 15 years like LoWhore’s.

  31. Steve DeVorkin

    What with the HOT LINKS? Product placement or what???

  32. mamadough

    fish, i know that it is hard sometimes when your crush walks around looking like total clown ass in front of everyone else. you feel embarrassed and you forgo your feelings for them until the next time around when they’re looking hotter. i’ll understand fish, when you post something about her within the month.

    p.s. those jeans, however, are unforgivable

  33. jules

    fuck yes! score one for me. Now you can come over so I can have my nasty way with you.

  34. rob

    10 times hotter than Briney, Paris, and the freckled slut.

  35. drewski2u

    Dear Superficial Guy-

    What the fuck?!? You watch Heroes? Just because you want to play hide the schlong with someone doesn’t mean you have to watch their show. And if you do, you certainly don’t ADMIT that you watch the show!!! Why? Because, well, basically you’re a dude. Or at least I thought you were. Who knows, for all I know you’re still coveting your ticket stub from Sex in the City………

  36. ummm...yeah

    STFU Randal!!!!!

  37. What Happened?

    Has Superficial changed writers recently? This shit used to be hilarious but nothing here has been lol funny in weeks if not months. Someone is using all the old stuff like Hayden being a midget but you can just tell this is being written by someone a lot less funny than in the past. No?

  38. Man (all of 'em)

    I’d fuck her. (wife agrees)

  39. You suck fish

    just because her breasts aren’t disgusting and fake doesn’t mean she isn’t worthy. She is cute and petite and you are just as superficial as the rest of these celebs.

  40. emmaleigh

    Mila is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Hotter than Hayden. I never understood your obsession with her in the first place. Mila is one of the most beautiful faces on the planet!

  41. DocRock

    Hayden is lusting to have her ass pounded with cock. Cock with a capital “C”. Pounded in a way that leaves her sore but glowing and smiling the next day.
    The same way her daddy gave it to her, but instead of dads little tiny weeny, Hayden wants the rock strong Cock slamming her puss over and over.

  42. Michelle Obama

    My pussy smells like the monkey-house at the zoo, but at long last I’ve figured out why!

    When I strip, lay on my back, and spread my legs, great green clouds of flying monkeys come out! The Wizard Of Oz is in my smelly cunt!

  43. Parker

    It’d be fun to bury my cock in her ass and watch her squirming around on it with those short little legs waving around, trying to touch the floor.

  44. ur mom

    This is stupid.

  45. I think Hayden is a crazy hot little thing!! I’d let a fat bitch kick my mom in the cooter if I could have her. That said, Mila Kunis is so incredibly hot right now…holy crap…I’d kick my mom in the cooter if I could have Mila.

  46. This jeans borrowed from a plumber?

  47. Parker

    I know, they are gawdawful ugly pants, aren’t they? Maybe that’s all they make for midgets though.

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