Hayden Panettiere, my favorite activist midget, spoke for almost two hours about saving sea life at Dupont Circle in Washington D.C. She didn’t use any notes and picketed traffic with other activists, according to the Washington Post:
“I get that rush and feeling of really making a difference rather than just lending my face to something,” she told us. “I’d rather people pay attention to me doing this than shopping at Fred Segal.” No fear of a Fonda-like backlash? “We’re saving magnificent animals. I don’t think anyone objects to that. I don’t trust people who don’t love animals.”
That reminds me, I saw Hayden’s boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia shoot a whale with a machine gun the other day. Yeah, seriously. Then he ate some non-dolphin-safe tuna and, uh, kicked a crab. Right in the claw. True story. As for me, I freaking love animals. Just yesterday I rescued a unicorn from the pound then rode down the beach helping baby seals find their mothers. Afterwards, to demonstrate my love of the sea, I made out with a mermaid. Or a manatee with a wig. Either way, I’ll never go back to land-dwelling women again.