Hayden Panettiere in a bikini

Did I say Monday? I’m a goddamn liar.

Because apparently ignoring the basic laws of physics is this year’s Twitter, here’s Hayden Panettiere with her latest gravy train, Ukrainian heavyweight boxer Wladimir Klitschko, celebrating the New Year in Miami, and these pics could easily pass for a giant receiving his offering of a young, virginal girl so he won’t trample the harvest. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not calling Wladimir a child-fucker or anything because he’d punched me into dust. I’m just saying Hayden could use his armpits for a hammock which, in hindsight, doesn’t make this any less creepy. “Me love so much, Hayden. Me pet hair gently. Me no hur- *snap* – CHEESE IT!”