Hayden Panettiere does a striptease for a man that’s not me?! I’ve lost the will to live

By: The Superficial / July 30, 2008

Hayden Panettiere (seen here at Comic-Con over the weekend trying to keep her hands clean from dork debris) reportedly gave her boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia a striptease on the set of Heroes for his 31st birthday. Why must you forsake me, Lord? Australia News Limited reports:

A source said: “Hayden gave Milo an unforgettable birthday surprise by morphing from her bouncy cheerleader character in Heroes to a bump-and-grind striptease. As she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Milo in front of cast and crew during lunch she ripped off the costume to show off her sexy red lingerie. Milo’s face went bright red.”

You know how I know this isn’t true? Because I spent the past six hours crying under my desk which means IT NEVER HAPPENED. Nobody talk about this again. In fact – Hold on, I just got an e-mail from The Geekologie Writer:

“Hey, remember how you’re not Milo Ventimiglia and didn’t get a lap dance from Hayden Panettiere? I had those words tattooed on my forehead. Wings later?”

Nice. Real nice. Wait, here’s one from my mom:

“Honey, I just heard the news. Don’t worry, you’ll meet a nice girl soon who’ll do naughty dances for you. But maybe it wouldn’t hurt to lower your expectations a little. Do you remember that sweet girl who lived down the street and murdered her whole family? I hear she’s single! Smooches.”

Christ, who’s next? The president? *BEEP* Ah, shit…:

“I LIKE WEARING COWBOY HATS!”

Thanks to Tyler for the really great tip. It’s so great that I actually have one for you: I’m your biological father.