Hayden Panettiere’s Cleavage Is A Triumph of The Human Spirit

After the Emma Watson rant the other day, and just to be a decent human being in general, I need to approach this post delicately because here’s the situation: On the one hand, Hayden Panettiere did an admirable thing by recognizing she was suffering from postpartum depression and publicly sought treatment (not an easy thing to do), which let other women know that it’s serious shit that can happen to anyone from regular moms to Hollywood actresses. On the other hand, part of her healing process apparently involved upping her implant game, and now I want to talk about what they’re doing to my pants, which is the whole reason I got into journalism in the first place. So since I probably shouldn’t do that pants stuff, I’m going to be only half a dick and meet this thing in the middle by using a random photo to make a joke about Hayden Panettiere having giant sex with Wladimir Klitschko because I have a very limited bag of tricks. You could probably count them all on one hand.

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“You guys, I’m remembering how I got pregnant again! – *leans against wall panting* – Why am I not dead? WHY AM I NOT DEAD?!”

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Photos: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Getty