Has Anyone Seen or Heard From The White House Bunny Since Sunday?

When I started watching the footage from Sunday’s White House Easter bonanza, it felt like watching a NASCAR race where all the drivers were drunk and we were all there just to see them crash. Some of my favorite moments included:

Seeing Sean Spicer verbally manhandle children during his story time…

President Trump And Melania Trump Host White House Easter Egg Roll

Hey, kid! Yea, you with the Bagger Vance outfit- get up here and- WALK AROUND THE SIDE! I’m gonna read a story to you if you’d just let me finish!

Or how about Trump tossing some kid’s hat into the crowd after signing it…

These two examples are just the tip of the bigly bizarre iceberg that this day turned out to be. Whoopi Goldberg is pissed because she didn’t think Donald was “Eastery” enough in recognizing the whole Jesus-came-back-to-like-like-a-magic-zombie, instead focusing on having “stronger and bigger and better [Easters?] than ever before.” Seriously, that’s actually from his speech…

For me a ‘strong’ Easter involves a twelve-pack of Busch gold-tops and a snowmobile and this one of the best things I have in common with Trump’s core base.

As for the bunny who never came back from his third tour the same, he is still missing. Sources close to the bunny claim that they heard him whispering cryptic flashback shit like, “these children smell so different when they’re not on fire,” throughout the day. Sources say Barron took a strong liking to him and we believe the bunny is locked up in a giant cage inside Barron’s bedroom. God have mercy on his soul…