Harrison Ford Basically Destroyed ‘Episode VII’

June 24th, 2014 // 26 Comments
Han Solo
Goddammit, Grandpa
Harrison Ford
Han Solo Broke His Ankle Already Read More »

“Do I look like a guy who won’t break his leg to get out of this thing?”

A little less than two weeks ago, word got out that Harrison Ford broke his ankle after tripping over the door to the Millenium Falcon (No, really.), but everyone seemed optimistic he’d be back in a few weeks. Then things started to go downhill. It went from he actually broke his entire leg, then his pelvis and I stopped paying attention so just assume he died. Harrison Ford’s dead now. Anyway, turns out Han Solo was going to be the main character of Star Wars: Episode VII which just got fucked to Endor and back. (I’ll let myself out.) Via io9:

The rumor is he’ll be sidelined for six full months — which means the movie’s either getting delayed or massively rewritten.
The potential news comes from the UK-based site Jedi News, who says sources told them of an emergency meeting ay Pinewood Studios this morning to discuss how to handle Ford’s sudden unavailability. Since Ford’s Han Solo is reportedly the film’s lead, the only way to make its Christmas 2015 release date — which Disney has refused to move before — is to rewrite Ford’s scenes, or rewrite the script entirely.

Ironically, this happened because of J.J. Abram‘s insistence on using practical effects instead of the CGI shitshow that dominated the prequels. Except now he’ll have to use even more CGI or make the whole movie about Mark Hammill and when has that ever created a timeless classic beloved the world over? So you know somewhere George Lucas is laughing because none of ever happened on his sets. “This is exactly why I don’t use anything that wasn’t made by a computer. Including actors which raises the question: Whose baby is that, Rachel Bilson? Whose baby is that? Hahaha, I am evil. PURE EVIL. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Photo: Lucasfilm

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  1. I’d double down on that shit and just show Harrison Ford as a disembodied head in a jar, ala “Futurama”.

  2. Deacon Jones

    What the fuck, six months??

    Give me a break (nyuk nyuk nyuk), cant they at least film some of the damn scenes with him sitting in a fucking elevated wheelchair or something? And how does it go from “his ankle” to an entire leg and hip?

    Did his whole side just shatter like a bottle when he fell over?? Fucking Calista Flockhart, I’m putting this entire shitshow on her! Her anorexic ass has probably had him on a diet of beet juice and spinach shakes for the last 10 fucking years.

    • Don’t forget, he’s 71 years old. Bones get more and more brittle as one ages. Plus, he’s just a lazy old fart from the word “go”.

    • If he really did break his pelvis 6th months really isn’t that long considering his age.

      Speaking from personal experience, I broke my pelvis several years back in a pretty severe car accident, and that is by far the most painful injury I’ve ever had. I was only 19 at the time and was pretty much bed ridden for a month and used crutches for months after that. Not fun.

      For the sake of the movie I had they just delay it to give him time to heal up. Does anyone really wanna see an entire movie about Mark Hammill?

  3. JC

    Saying the movie might have to be “rewritten” strongly suggests that it was “written” in the first place, which I doubt.

    • Most likely “written” by “committee”. As Han would say, “No time to discuss this with the committee.” And as Leia would respond, “I am not a committee.”

  4. malaka

    just get the guy they wanted originally to play han solo.
    christopher walken?? no.. that can’t be right.

  5. But will ewok again?

    • Dox

      He might, but at 70 he’s probably gonna need a Skywalker. After all we don’t want to Force the man out of recovery and chance a Fall to the Dark Side.

      ….

      Yeah, Ill show myself out.

  6. Griefer

    Using 70 year old men in action movies has their hazards. He probably needed his cane to get over the step.

  7. Short Round

    This movie already sounds like a clusterfuck. Who thought using the now geriatric original cast as main characters was a good idea?! I don’t get this because Abrams did it right in Star Trek (2009). There Nimoy/Spock was used in the right way. A strong but secondary character giving the story enough weight without distracting from the new cast.

  8. Shannon B.

    Sounds more like… “Episode VII basically destroyed Harrison Ford.”

  9. “Ironically, this happened because of J.J. Abram‘s insistence on using practical effects instead of the CGI shitshow that dominated the prequels. ”

    Pracitcal effect? You mean “walking”?

    But to be fair, who could have guessed that having a 71 year old actor walk up a ramp could result in a life threatening injury. Who, except anyone who has ever watched late night TV commercials.

  10. HARRISON FORDS BROKEN LEG

    ESCALATORS ON THE MILLENIUM FALCON, ANYONE??
    ITS NOT 1978 ANYMORE. FFS.

  11. Get him a cane and a fucking Medic-Alert and tell him “the show MUST go on!” (Apparently the dude’s no trouper.)

  12. One thing’s for sure, the plot’s gonna be a lot thinner.

  13. Maybe they can just make a CGI of *young* Harrison Ford. Now that I’d watch.

    Or splice in outtakes seamlessly, like they did with the Radioactive Man film:

  14. Its time to call in Kurt Russell

  15. Swearin

    So they based nearly the entire movie around an old man who has gone on record saying he hated his most iconic role and is only doing it for the money and to not be murdered in his sleep by nerd assassins dressed like Boba Fett? Honestly, if I was the insurance underwriter for this movie I would have slapped the producers across their faces and had security ban them from the building.

  16. Bad week for the Solo clan.

  17. Wasn’t going to watch it anyway so I don’t care.

  18. Why in holy fuck would I want to watch a crotchety old geezer in the lead role instead of, say, Mara Jade? What the hell were they thinking?

  19. shoe

    Just delay the movie a year and shoot it as designed. Write the injury into the script..crap, just have him apologize that he can’t keep up with Luke because the old girl closed her door on his leg. Audience will chuckle and it will all seem believable in the scheme of any altered physical movement as it’s true.

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