“Your children drove me to this.”
Roughly 300 AD, it was decided that a sequel to the Old Testament would be shekels in the camels because early Mesopotamia was a lot like modern Hollywood right down to the boy love and rampant golden showering of whores. So a group of writers got together and hashed out a new version of God that would arrive on Earth as a baby (Though sadly not in a rocket ship.) and then never age past 30 for maximum handsomeness. He also wouldn’t facilitate angel rape which was completely falling flat with focus groups. They HATED angel rape. Anyway, this “New Testament” went on to become an international bestseller probably because people spent centuries thinking you could fall off the face of the Earth into the mouth of a dragon. But more importantly, it ironically became the impetus for an over-commercialized holiday where 90% of western civilization is guilted into having a materialistic orgasm all over the faces of peoples they can’t fucking stand for more than 15 seconds. And that’s the story of why we’ll be back Tuesday.
Happy Holidays, Everyone!
NOTE: I should probably point out these are completely new photos of Courtney Stodden that we sat on because she literally posed for 100 of these. Which, in my opinion, isn’t near enough photos to accurately portray how much Santa enjoys wafting an “underage” groin directly into his beard. It’s better than coffee, he’ll tell you.
Photos: GSI Media