Happy Holidays From The Superficial

December 23rd, 2011 // 269 Comments

“Your children drove me to this.”

Roughly 300 AD, it was decided that a sequel to the Old Testament would be shekels in the camels because early Mesopotamia was a lot like modern Hollywood right down to the boy love and rampant golden showering of whores. So a group of writers got together and hashed out a new version of God that would arrive on Earth as a baby (Though sadly not in a rocket ship.) and then never age past 30 for maximum handsomeness. He also wouldn’t facilitate angel rape which was completely falling flat with focus groups. They HATED angel rape. Anyway, this “New Testament” went on to become an international bestseller probably because people spent centuries thinking you could fall off the face of the Earth into the mouth of a dragon. But more importantly, it ironically became the impetus for an over-commercialized holiday where 90% of western civilization is guilted into having a materialistic orgasm all over the faces of peoples they can’t fucking stand for more than 15 seconds. And that’s the story of why we’ll be back Tuesday.

Happy Holidays, Everyone!

NOTE: I should probably point out these are completely new photos of Courtney Stodden that we sat on because she literally posed for 100 of these. Which, in my opinion, isn’t near enough photos to accurately portray how much Santa enjoys wafting an “underage” groin directly into his beard. It’s better than coffee, he’ll tell you.

Photos: GSI Media

superficial

  1. Yes, “underage” like my menopausal aunt who passed out under our xmas tree last night. HAPPY HOLIDAYS YOU HOORS FROM HANGOVER HUT!

  2. Her garb—how it twinkled! His raiment—how hairy!
    Her cheeks were wide open, his nose popped her cherry!
    The meat of the flap he held loose in his teeth,
    And the reek, it encircled his head like a wreath!

  3. Another year has gone by and this country has succeeded in bringing fame to just about every piece of shit that has crawled from the deepest part of the Mariana’s Trench. Don’t know why they come here but it gives us some great laughs.

    Anyway, Merry Christmas to those who celebrate and we’ll see y’all next week!

  4. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh look, they captured what it looked like when her soul left her body!

  5. Big Jim

    More evidence of global warming.
    Low tide at the North Pole.

  6. dontkillthemessenger

    I say we bring back the little known early Christmas tradition of stoning the village idiots before opening the presents.

  7. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    sasha
    Commented on this photo:

    No idea who these two are but I have never seen two more attention starved people. Not even vaguely interesting.

  8. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    gumption
    Commented on this photo:

    these two are depraved. Please stop with these posts, I really just can’t look anymore.

  9. Johnny P!

    Santa: *ptui!* This Christmas cookie has hairs on it!

    Yes, Folks, it’s the new “Reality TV” Holiday treat:
    The Courtney Shortbread with the Brazilian wax.

    The Kardashians’ Fruit Cake tastes like it was soaked in piss, Snooki’s plum pudding is rife with pickle juice, the Lohan Scotch Bonnet Ginger Snap packs a painful after-burn, The Sutuation’s ‘Rum Balls’ taste exactly how you’d expect them to, and the ‘Real Housewives of–(pick a county)’ all got together to make you some treats, but got too drunk and high and involved in their own dramas that the house burned down.
    Oh, and Heidi’s are really, really stale.

    Enjoy quality programming in 2012, everyone!

  10. Juicyfruit

    I think I can smell this photo. She stinks really bad.

  11. cc

    Phew! Smells like brie.

  12. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    Lee
    Commented on this photo:

    her parents must be SO proud, she is trash and a waste of skin.

  13. Ah, Doug, you old joker. He is wearing a 110 pound Santa “beard”.

  14. zorbitor

    IT’S BEGINNING TO TASTE ALOT LIKE CHRISTMAS!!!

  15. Have a great Christmas everyone.

  16. dee cee

    You must see.. The Slithering Spectacle of the Courtney Stodden Lizard http://galleryoftheabsurd.typepad.com/

  17. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    Do_Freebird
    Commented on this photo:

    C’mon hon, Santa just needs a little more yeast for the fruitcake.

  18. oh, you know it's true

    HO – HO – HO

    Merry Christmas everyone
    (and yes, that applies to you too Fish)

  19. Santa’s “Naughty or Nice” screenings are getting more and more invasive.

  20. Debutante

    Merry Christmas Everybody ! ! Thanks for all of the funny comments all year long !!! xoxo

    Hope Santa Brings you everything you want…..as long as it’s not these two morons !!

  21. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    I kinda admire the shamelessness of it all.
    These photo sequences have totally ruined any idea that I might have had about asking my husband to dress up as Santa and have at me on Xmas Eve. I think we’ll stick with the Han Solo costume.
    Happy Holidaze.

  22. anthonyOA

    “ho ho ho” never meant so many things at once.

  23. Fish, you left out the part where they made the birthday of the God-child December 25th in order to usurp the pagan celebration of the winter solstice, held the same day.

    Happy holidays!

    • It's the kimkim, bitches

      Right? Jesus was a summer baby! No seriously I feel like I read something somewhere about that.

  24. cc

    A very Merry Christmas to all the people here (SF writer, photoboy, and the contributors) who’ve made me laugh this year.

    I mean it.

  25. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    argleblargle
    Commented on this photo:

    With any luck, melanoma will kill this bitch some day soon.

  26. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    Gray
    Commented on this photo:

    Welcome to the first episode of the Porn Shoe Diaries, tonight’s episode: Santa’s Pole is Dirty

  27. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    argleblargle
    Commented on this photo:

    Even Santa Doug was like, “Chill out, slut.”

  28. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    welldoneson
    Commented on this photo:

    While I wish nothing but more of the same for Santa, I can’t help but think Courtney is a bitch. There. I’ve said it. What a bitch.

  29. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    Tod Anthony
    Commented on this photo:

    He might be gay, but he sure isn’t when he’s fucking that slice of hot teen poon. Listen, Doug Hutchinson is maybe, what, 5’4, 5’5? That little bitch is tiny. They might be a couple of low-rent celebriwhores, but I bet you the two of them have real draining sex. It but L’il Dougie’s nutsuck is dry as a bone when she’s done with him.

  30. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    dotmatrix
    Commented on this photo:

    “And Santa soon splooged on my sexy stilettos.”

  31. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    Vicki
    Commented on this photo:

    this whole thing. with them going places and her posing and whoring it up is just… confusing. why?

  32. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    victoria
    Commented on this photo:

    ugh. i bet her vag smells like limburger cheese.

  33. i_miss_speidi

    Speidi really looked reasonable compared to these guys – aaaaaaaaaahhh – did I really write this

  34. I’ll second all those above who wish Fish, Photo Boy and the commenters the very best for the holidays. Whatever the holidays mean to you, I hope you find in them some of the same laughter and joy that all of you bring every week by your contributions to this goofy, cranky, keen-eyed, sharp-tongued, smart-aleck island of wisdom and wit in a vast ocean of idiocy and banality. Every joy to you and yours!

  35. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    fire
    Commented on this photo:

    I bet Santa i saying “Ho Ho Ho” if you know what I mean

  36. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    I'magirl
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s her patented seizure look.

  37. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    I'magirl
    Commented on this photo:

    What is that hanging out below her right boob?

  38. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    geee
    Commented on this photo:

    Haahahahahahahahaha!!!!
    Fuck, this dude-chick is a classic! And that dirty old bloke it’s married too- HA!

    Thank you America.

  39. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    geee
    Commented on this photo:

    Is this for the Chris Hansen Christmas special??

    Thank you America, you never fail to mass-produce absolute shit.

    Bless you.

  40. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    geee
    Commented on this photo:

    Maybe Santa will bring her decent hair extensions this year…

  41. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    geee
    Commented on this photo:

    Freezing temperatures aren’t good for cheap implants, honey.

  42. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    geee
    Commented on this photo:

    A dirty old bloke & a tranny – merry fucking Christmas kiddies!

  43. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    geee
    Commented on this photo:

    STD’s for everyone!!!!! Tis’ the season.

  44. Lilly

    Happy Holidays from Italia to Fish, Photoboy, commenters and lurkers. Thanks for all this american freakiness I have enjoied all this year long!
    Sol Invictus y’all!

  45. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    geee
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s the face of a very sad and confused young man.

  46. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    geee
    Commented on this photo:

    I hope Santa brings it a new arm band!!

  47. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    geee
    Commented on this photo:

    Forget that ham… everyone’s having baked vagina for lunch!!

  48. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    geee
    Commented on this photo:

    I just threw up in my mouth….

  49. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    geee
    Commented on this photo:

    Aw, frozen camel toe for all!!

  50. Courtney Stodden Bikini Doug Hutchison Santa
    geee
    Commented on this photo:

    Forget ping pong balls- Look what I can do!!

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