The Hanson Brothers Have Been Multiplying Like Duggars

The brothers Hanson (AKA Jonas Brothers Beta Test) never stopped making music after “MMMBop” and I’ve always kind of known that but chose not to pay attention because I pretend to have good taste in music. I have no problem that they continue to play shows pushing new music nobody cares about to nostalgia-loving millennials smashing Moscow mules until their ‘MMMBop’ encore – that’s all good… but riding the financial coattails of a one-hit-wonder (albeit a massive one) is no grounds to start drafting an all-Hanson baby football team, that’s just too much.

Side note explanation: The Hanson bras are really into the God thing (way before the promise ring was forged by Sauron) and therefore hate condoms and want to populate the Earth with more like-minded followers of the Dark One. Kind of like the Duggars but with less child molestation.

During a recent radio interview that I would have surely changed the station for, they were asked about the possibility of vasectomy and how much it sucks to have that many children. Zac Hanson, the 31-year-old middle spawn with four kids clearly has no idea how painful childbirth is

“When I think about vasectomy – there’s a very small chance you could have permanent unending pain associated with that part of your body, and there’s no small enough chance that’s small enough for me to risk that.”

He might as well have continued, “But fuck my wife though- she’s doing god’s work cranking out my babies like a meat grinder in a butcher shop. She doesn’t even feel pain anymore after the third one so we’re in the clear for another five or six.”