Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid

March 24th, 2006 // 71 Comments

*gwyneth%20paltrow_names_kid.jpgAfter naming her first child Apple, Gwyneth Paltrow plans to give her new son an even worse name. Paltrow wants to name her second child Mortimer, after her godfather Steven Spielberg. Paltrow apparently affectionately refers to Spielberg as “Uncle Morty”.

It’s apparent that Gwyneth hates her children. Among other things. She might as well name him the Fairy Prince and send him to school in a dress. But I have a feeling that’s gonna happen anyway. Particularly if I get that substitute teaching job.


  1. Warrior

    I thought they decided on Capone. I hate Gwyneth.

  2. gogoboots

    Mortimer, poor kid…!

  3. MystressJade

    That kid is guaranteed to get his ass kicked everyday of his life.

  4. Lipgloss Assassin

    Nah, with a name like Mortimer, you can’t get your ass beat.

    If anything, the kid will realize he sucks at life and maybe conjure up some evil spells or something and eventually be penned “Evil Mortimer.”

    Then, and only then, will the true origin of his name take shape (see: “Uncle Morty”)

  5. Feed_Me_Chocolate

    She is totally heartless. Why doesn’t she just stick to fruit? She could name him Peach. And it would STILL ensure that his ass is going to be grass, if that’s one of her requirements for choosing a name.

  6. I get it, she couldn’t get attention anymore through her acting so she decided that a shitty name would at least get her in the papers. What a bitch, here is an article where Bob Geldoff’s daughter Peaches talks about all the teasing that little Apple has in front of her.,2933,121025,00.html

  7. Why can’t Gwyneth do something scandalous like, eat a steak or something?

    She bores me.

  8. SuperSpence

    The main question people have about a child named Mortimer is: How often will he be beaten senseless at school? The answer is: Often. If necessary, I’ll take care of it myself. And while some might think it unfair for a 6’3″ 195 lbs adult male to mercilessly and repeatedly pummel a small boy with a stupid name, keep in mind two things:

    1. It’s the natural order of things;
    2. It’s all for charity.

    I like to work the body first and then finish off with a few jaw-cracking kicks to the face. After a week of that I think li’l Morty will change his name to anything I demand. I’m thinking…something like Barbara. Yeah, I think Barbara will suit that pasty li’l half-Brit just fine.

  9. ESQ

    Yeah, I guess anything to kiss up to the BIGGEST director in Hollywood.

  10. Jacq

    Mortimer? Is she going to give birth to a 76 year-old? Might as well make is middle name Everlast, like the punching bags.

  11. So as one of his baby gifts, I think I will send him a size Zero Smoking Jacket, a pipe, and acopy of the Financial Times.

  12. M@ce

    Might as well name him Pulp, since that’s what he will be beaten into when he goes to school with a name like Mortimer.

  13. M@ce

    Why not just name the little turd, “My Mom’s Godfather is Steven Spielberg” and be done with it. Sure, it’s a little unwieldy, but it gets the point across that this child is not like the rest of you dirty, ugly, low-life, non-celebrity scum. Which, after all, is the whole point of naming him Mortimer.

  14. LucyButler

    One would think that she would name her first male child after her beloved father, Bruce. I don’t like the name but it would be a nice gesture on her part. Mortimer, that’s ridiculous and hopefully not true. Doesn’t her husband have a say in any of this?

  15. Mortimer Martin… sounds like a cheesy, 30′s cartoon strip superhero’s alias. With Gwynie and Chris’ DNA I’m sure he’ll look like one too, however the only thing super about him will be the “super” bitch that spawned him. Good luck, kiddo!

  16. twinsmommy627

    She obviously is bored in London. Yeah, why doesn’t she pay homage to her father? And I just saw the comments she made comparing London’s bombing to 9/11. Obviously, unlike me, she didn’t know anyone who died that day. I used to like her, now I will not pay a penny to see a movie she is in.

  17. Ah..she’s yanking our collective chains. Everyone knows that she names her children the last thing she eats before going into labor. Look for the new kid to be named SlimJim…or HOHO…or ChrisMartinsPenis…

  18. Jayne

    plus side:

    I can name my child Capone in the future without anyone saying I copied Gwenyth :)

  19. honeycomb's_big_yeahyeahyeah

    I prefer “Fucky Face.”

  20. Jayne, LOL – love it!

  21. LoneWolf

    She should have named him Orange. Then when we’re talking about how ugly her kids’ faces her, we’ll be comparing Apple’s to Orange’s.

  22. PapaHotNuts

    You guys are crazy. I named my second born child “Dickless Puusyface” and he only gets picked on every now and then, and he has only been beaten up once at school.

    Fuck, I forgot, I home-school him.

    You should have seen it though, I really kicked the shit out of that little fagggot. Let Mortimer there’s an opening at the PapaHotNuts School for the Gifted.

  23. springfire

    Clang clang rattle bing bang gonna make my noise all day

  24. Phoenix

    Is it me or does Mortimer actually sound NORMAL considering her first child’s name is Apple. Just wondering…

  25. HughJorganthethird

    Why not just name him Beat Me Up at Recess?

    Like this kid wasn’t going to get a hard time anyway “Hey Mortifag your mom’s so ugly the doctor slapped her when you were born”

    Mortimer, so Trading Places.

  26. Italian Stallion

    #22 PapaHotnuts, Thanks alot, I just had to leave work early to change my pants……..

  27. lebowski

    Hasn’t the kid already been beaten up and he’s not even fuckin born yet?!

  28. sunglassali

    I’ve recenly become phsycic and can see into the future. . . Gweneth Paltrow murdered by own children . . . I think that the jugde will rule in their favor and let them off with an apology!

  29. Xarah

    I never knew she was related to Steven S. I wondered how she got into Hollywood with her shitty acting.

  30. RainMaker

    If she wanted to name the kid after her godfather, how about just naming him “Steven Allan Speilberg?” Better yet, why not just name him “Seven?”

  31. bluecanary

    Eh. The kid can always change it when he’s of age. Abbie Hoffman named his kid “America” for God’s sake. As soon as the kid turned 18, he changed it to Allan. I recommend the same for “Morty” or “Capone” or “Cabbage,” or whatever vile name she inflicts on the poor little bastard.

  32. boredatwurk

    Gweneth is right. Anyone mourning over the murder of a loved one is a huge crybaby. What a bunch of wusses!

    Noone understands suffering quite like the rich and famous. Or Politics, for that matter.

    Crap, that reminds me. I forgot to watch the Emmy’s so I could figure out who to vote for.

  33. InsomniActress

    #30 – RainMaker

    I agree with you, and was actually considering posting that. But then there’s a whole new problem… Her kid would be “Steve Martin”.

  34. #24 – Agreed, and after his first couple cartoons they can rename him to “Mickey.” What? Oh, okay.

  35. gigi

    crazy. bitch.

  36. krisdylee

    good one springfire…. “Mortimer…. Be Quiet!!!”

  37. Dee

    yeah these kids will be well adjusted human beings….no worries there.

  38. Pez_D_Spencer

    Actually, living in London, Mortimer might not be so bad. The “Mortimer” in Layer Cake administered one of the better beat downs I’ve seen.

    The real sad thing about Apple is that the full name is Apple Martin. One “i” short of one of the girliest drinks ever.

  39. Cisi

    Damn you, PapaHotNuts! I just woke up a houseful of guests laughing at you. Are you related to Doug Clark?

  40. heifferzzz

    meh, reminds me of that episode of Scrubs when Matthew Perry guest starred as a character called ‘Murray.’ Gwen-McFugFug should really watch that before giving her child dirty old man names, coz one day when she really needs a kidney she’ll regret ever being an attention-seeking-pasty-boring-fatass who names her kid Mortimer!

  41. derekd

    Can you say. “I wouldn’t fuck her if I had been poisoned and her pussy juice was the antidote??” Yeah me too.

  42. Evangelia


  43. Evangelia

    #38 good point, i hadn’t realized that!
    and #41, ew. in a good way.

  44. A Nobody

    The kids have Steven Spielberg as their God Father, the hottest (as in fame) friggin British Rock Star in history, and an Oscar Winning actress as their relatives. Do you seriously think they’re going to get “teased” at school? Even if they did, Steven would probably make a movie about it and Chris might even write a song to ruin them.

    Let’s face it, rich kids gets more advantage.

  45. CheekyChops

    Mortimer? Wow. Why not just call him Uncle Fester? Either way he’s gonna get his arse kicked throughout his school years.


    silly ppl

  47. TheREALKennyG

    In related news, I heard that Tom Cruise ate soup IMMEDIATELY BEFORE the infamous couch jumping incident on Oprah! Both he and Gwyneth are shocking in their lack of common sense… just crazy! One thing is for sure: these poor kids are going to lead “interesting” lives…HA! Katie and Tom may as well name their child MORTIMER as well!

  48. Sparks

    Oh, come on, why do you still believe in this shit? There were hundreds of news concerning the baby’s name.. First they said it would be Capone, then Sophocles, now Mortimer.. I don’t believe any of these rumours!

    I truly think they’ll name their son Bruce, because that’s what Gwyneth said in interviews very often! She was devoted to her father and wants to name her first son after him, so forget about “Uncle Morty”!

    And the comment of one of the others, saying “Doesn’t have the father have a say in this?” made me laugh, considering the fact that Chris Martin was actually the one who came up with the name Apple ;)

  49. LaydeeBug

    What the hell is wrong with MOrtimer? Isn’t she Jewish, or her dad is? Well, maybe he’s going to be a rabbi or a cantor or something, then when he’s 45, the name will catch up to his age and all will be well. By that time she’ll be dead and he can go shit on her grave while singing the Torah.

    Gwyneth is a bitter, no career douchebag, who, like Madonna is living her revenge throught her kids. Oh wait that’s what sll parents do, I forgot. Hi PAPA.

  50. blacksheep57

    Mortimer? Horrible! I heard she was naming the baby Capone a while ago and I thought that was bad enough. A few people asked why she doesn’t pay hommage to her father and name the baby Bruce. She’s Jewish and I thought I heard that Jewish people don’t name children after the deceased, just the living.

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