Gwyneth Paltrow keeps crypts

September 26th, 2005 // 69 Comments

Oh my God, grandma, get back in the coffin! You’re embarrassing yourself! Why can’t you die with digni– oh, it’s just Fishstick. Or Wednesday Addams. Either way, it’s rude to show up to a funeral wearing the same thing as the deceased. At least grandma had the good sense to wear a bra, and she’s dead. What’s your excuse?


  1. Queen LaQueefah

    “Gwynnie” is just upset that Austin’s Central Market was closed at 9 pm, when they KNEW she was going to be in town! How could they? Ugh! That’s like, totally inconsiderate! All she wanted was some vegan cheese, it’s not much to ask, is it? People should be happy she came into their store, it’s not like they had things to do after work or anything! It’s not easy being such a gigantic bitch with a face that belongs on Easter Island!

  2. oscarthegrouch

    OMG! That forehead!

  3. exmachina

    that is gross! I was never a fan of hers, but jeez her clavicle looks like she poked her head out of a jungle gym.

  4. Miss^SnowFlake

    OH DEAR GOD!!! I thought she is ugly but that much……hmm actually these pics made me laugh, but if you think about it its actually quite sad.Oh what the hell…at least im having fun :D:D:D:D:D

  5. Ms. Dilligaff


    I’m scared. Hold me.

  6. This bitch is fuglier than Katrina and Rita combined.

  7. Ms. Dilligaff

    I have to add…could you imagine having to see that face if you’re a small child? YOU VEEL EAT YOUR PEAS UND YOU VEEL LIKE IT.

  8. FearLeSphere

    thats just sadistic, as if an albino monkey thats dying from syfilis isn’t a sad enough image, some sick bastard had to dress it up like Wednesday from the Adams Family, That’s just not right. Looks like Snow White finally chocked on her Apple.

  9. Hester Prynne

    She looks like she could use some fiber.

  10. bmwPR

    Paint a star on her face and she looks a bit like David Bowie

  11. IvoryFingers

    Wow, and she couldn’t understand when Brad dumped her?

  12. boe

    omg…someone give that woman a cracker

  13. FearLeSphere

    Wait, hold on a minute, I thought this was a funny picture of another starving celeb…but the more i look at it the more freaked out I get, I start hearing the Omen soundtrack and a faint smell of rotting flesh tickles my nostrils…Christos…AaaaAAhh…Dominus…..AaaaAAAaaaah….Satani….Ding Ding

  14. Martin92

    Is this website TRYING to make me feel better about myself?

  15. WillJay

    Stop making fun! Mrs. Danvers is the most hard working housekeeper at Manderlay.

  16. Ms. Dilligaff

    Good one WillJay, but it may go unappreciated by many.

  17. Sleek

    Nah Fishstick’s just posing for an update of Grant Wood

  18. Ha Willjay, funny.

    For those don’t know what Mrs. Danvers looks like.

  19. My fellow Amurricans, I will not be be intimidated by turrurrists.

  20. ki


    Oh, and by the way, the Superficial homepage takes forever. It’s ANNOYING. On second thought, maybe I should move out of the Stone Age of dial-up. On third thought, maybe you bastards should cater to us cavemen. Otherwise, you’re just cave racists. You know, like those crappy Geico commercials.

  21. mac2048

    Ahhhhh! Back to hell, beast, from whence thou came! Back say I! Back back!

  22. Karl Hungus

    Freak Show!

  23. meggy

    To be fair, Gwyn was up all night feeding Apple her wheat-free organic soy baby formula.

  24. Matt

    Umm…is this an infotainment blog? If anyone’s read Augusten Burroughs “Running With Scissors” or remotely follows casting news, you’d know that Gwyn and a spy bag full of other stars are filming the screen version helmed by Nip/Tuck and Popular creator Ryan Murhphy.
    Read the book–you’ll get why Mrs Martin is in the death frock and love every minute of it.

  25. Mermaid

    This is exactly why i am not a vegetarian. Go eat some cow Gwen!

  26. Pat the Bongo

    go to the beach and get some sun.

  27. gailmariecat

    Has anyone seem my eyebrows? I seem to have misplaced them.

  28. Salacious

    Weirdness Gwyneth.

  29. antho

    this made me run into the next room and call my mom, just to make sure the reaper hadn’t gotten to her before fixing its dead eyes on me. then it made me sad… anyone remember se7en? she looked damn good, even when she was just a head in a box! ahh, memories…

  30. Candy

    Is that a maid’s oufit she has on?

  31. Cratylus

    When did Paltrow get so fat?

  32. EspressoMilitia

    I hate paparazzi shots. It must be harsh for the famous person to walk around the corner and FLASH!

    they get some photo that looks like a mugshot

  33. Bookboi

    Gwynnie’s a bit on in years to be joining the Lohan/Richie/Duff/Olsen anorexia and bulimia club. But at least it seems to make her happy.

  34. Sarcastikus

    It’s the hair! If it wasn’t pulled back so tightly she wouldn’t look so gaunt. The severity of the lighting doesn’t help, either.

  35. OdetoBrit

    And just think, miss dogooder of the “don’t do that” persuasion has succombed to the horrible clutches of the anorexia demon, just like every other hollywood starlet… Only difference is, these other girls are, like, in their twenties and trying “fit in” to some sick stereotypical standard. Ms. Paltrow claims to be all high and mighty and already won an oscar and stopped smoking cuz that’s what killed her father.

  36. OdetoBrit

    so what’s with the new death wish??

  37. stinkypinky

    Sign me up for the macrobiotic diet! I’ve always wanted to look that frail and ghostly. That look is so hot right now.

  38. izzy

    geez, she doesn’t look that bad, she’s just getting old. she’s always been pale and thin, but it used to work for her–remember shakespeare in love? she was smokin. its jus her hair color and her outfit aren’t flattering in this pic

  39. Anna Rexic

    OMG! She is sooooo hot!

    It sorta looks like her body is an almost empty tube of toothpaste and someone kept squeezing from the bottom of the tube to get the last bit of toothpaste, but instead Gwyneth Paltrow’s head popped out. I think I’d rather fuck a tube a toothpaste.

  40. him_lover

    how can we care about any of this when Don Adams died?!
    I’ll miss your shoe phone agent 86

  41. sugarplum

    Two (ok 3-ish) words:


  42. Velvet_Jones

    It looks like her hair is pulled too tight..

  43. siren823

    She wore that dress on the Daily Show last week. It was a very weird interview. He did his thing and she seemed flustered and confused.

  44. beck

    i dont actually think that she looks that bad i bet half the people who wrote a shitty comment about her look so much worse than that and i mean alot worse so get a grip and she is fair enough havin a bad day but she also has millions and is a film star oh and is married to a music star so we can try and make our delves feel better but really u all just jelous

  45. rubicon_girl

    it looks like she is decaying from the inside out

  46. barrysoccer

    It’s Brad Pitt I tell you!. Just look at all of the chicks he’s been out with/married… He suck’s their life juices while their asleep.

    Soon Jennifer Aniston will start to decay too.
    Somebody stop Brad Pitt!

  47. RubberbandGirl

    I love punctuation! Don’t you? It really makes you seem like you know what you are talking about. Anyway…

    Hmmm. Looks to me like this photo was taken early in the AM–I know I don’t look good at 5:15; we are lucky she managed to stand upright. Though she did look so much better when she was pregnant. I bet she let herself eat then! Funny thing, food.

    So either she should get pregnant again, or allow herself a little chicken once in a while. Or even some macrobiotic beets. She needs some iron in her blood.

  48. AmberDextrose

    The head on its own doesn’t look so bad, it’s when you see the whole tortoise-poking-out-of-a-shell shot that I cringe.

    Why show off that bony chest? Her skin looks good though.

    She looks like Mary Poppins after not enough sugar in her medicine.

  49. Joe Mamma

    Are they doing a sequel to Shinlder’s List? Maybe she plays Miss Zykoln-B 1943.

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