Gwyneth Paltrow is a dear friend. If you’re not a fatty.

April 23rd, 2009 // 65 Comments

Gwyneth Paltrow and chef Mario Batali are close friends. BFFs even. Except there’s a problem: Mario’s a little on the chunky side and that’s just not GOOP-rific. Fortunately, Gwyn-Gywn’s there to give him a free membership to her overpriced gym. Haha, enjoy, fatty! Page Six reports:

Gwyneth Paltrow gave him a free membership to the pricey gym that she and her fitness friend Tracy Anderson are opening in TriBeCa this summer, saving him the $4,500 membership fee and monthly bills. An insider said, “Mario is the only fat friend she has, and wants him to change.”

If I were Mario, I’d know just the gift to thank my dear friend Gwyneth for her thoughtfulness: A flabby kick to the uterus. It’s simple, yet says “If you were anymore insipid, I’d carve you up and sell the meat to a McDonald’s where it’d ultimately be digested by the obese.”

Then again, I’m too much of a giver, so maybe just flowers.

Photos: Flynet

  1. Joejohn


  2. Feck. Only second.

  3. Crabby Old Guy

    Every time I see these pathetic dweeb bitch I have a compulsion to whack her across her face with a 2×4. A 2×4 with a nail poking through it. A 2×4 with a RUSTY nail poking through it.

  4. bari

    i’m fourth

  5. bari

    no, sixth

  6. abbz

    she’s starting to look old. Not really old. But you can tell.

  7. Duke Nukem

    I would goop all over her face.

    But seriously, fat people disturb me too. Nothing says “I have no self-control nor the willpower required to be healthy or attractive” like thunder thighs or a huge spare tire.

  8. What is that? is that post surgery those things? shes so opinionated im not sure id goop on those boobs…let the man be fat, someone have to be…

  9. SoTe

    I repeat.. she is an insipid BITCH! He is a chef, he can’t look anorexic, that would mean that not even him tries his food! stupid insipid bitch!

  10. mikeock

    Do I see her vegan nipple dent? I do, don’t I?

  11. He should cook up Gwyneth. And call the dish Entitlement with pompous sauce, served with grilled arrogance, topped with a snobbish reduction.

  12. I could take this one of two ways.

    1) She is a bit of a health nut, and since she’s opening a gym she’s giving a free membership to her friend, who admittedly does need to lose weight for health reasons. In this scenario, Gwyneth is just being a generous friend.

    2) She doesn’t like fatties cramping her style and she has the resources to help him lose weight, so she’s encouraging him to do so. In this scenario, what would that make Mario feel like?

    If all of this is true, I wonder what Mario’s reaction was? Gratitude? Insulted?

  13. Benner

    She doesn’t want her friend to have a heart attack. Wow, what a terrible person.

  14. moogie

    @7 How can you even tell, you can hardly get a good look at her in these pictures.

  15. Glad she’s taking on the appearance of Jillian from The Biggest Loser!!

  16. Sheena

    Nobody trusts a skinny chef.

    Hey Gwynnie, you think Mario got that fat by exercising every day? Stupid bitch.

  17. Zanna

    @13 – EXCELLENT, Janey!!!! LOL

  18. nope

    it’s about health.

  19. #13 – Janey, we could serve it with a steaming cup of “shut the fuck up, you kabballah bitch!”

  20. P00nMasterFlex

    Look who’s shallow Hal now beeyotch!

  21. Chefs are supposed to be heavy!

  22. Mario

    Never Trust A Thin Chef!!

  23. Shockalator

    Have any of you ever watched Iron Chef America? There are plenty of thin chefs out there. Doesn’t mean they don’t cook well; it just means they cook healthy. Fat does not = good cook.

  24. ___


    That’s where I draw the line. I want to punch myself in the face for coming to this site now. I’m outta here.

  25. Bobaloo

    Hey, it’s not like the guy doesn’t know he’s overweight and that he may be endangering his health. He’s an adult, it’s his choice. If he wants to lose weight, he’ll do it himself. Damn, I hate when people want to force their agenda on others and try to make them change.

  26. kneehow

    this article you wrote proves to me that you yourself are over weight.

    rather then spit at the people willing to give somebody who struggles a helping hand, why don’t you listen to them, for a change.

    you’re intelligent enough to spin a funny article, you’re intelligent enough to take care of your body. you might even end up happy. something people like gwenith like to see.

    peace bee

  27. Thanks Rich and Zanna… *passes gimlets all around*

    If Mario DID cook her up, I’d totally be a cannibal just so I could say “yeah, I ate Gwyneth and she was BITTER.”

    Best part, though??? Pooping her out the next morning.

  28. Zanna

    *chugs gimlet like water*

    Ya know what, Janey? I think if you ate Gwyneth, it would make you constipated. Yea, that’s what I think.


  29. blackout

    Lol, Janey said “poop”

  30. Yeah, Zanna, you’re right…. Then I’d have to take a laxative, and then I might accidentally Gwyneth my pants.

  31. STINK

    In other news, Chef Mario gives Gwyn a book. An insider said, “Gwyn is the only stupid friend he has, and wants her to change.”

  32. Zanna

    Yea, and then Janey, everyone would say you “Gooped” yourself.

  33. >ThisGuy<

    Meh, it could be taken many ways.

    For starters Mario Batali is Rich so what would $4.5k mean to him? He can cook his own “HEALTHY” meals which would allow him to cut calories and carbs.

    That being said it does look like this Lady is insulting him with this little “GIFT” of hers.

    Although, considering they are quote “Friends” it could just be a little friendly push in the right direction to lose a little weight or worse DUN DUN DUN Free publicity for her Gym.

    What would be better to promote her gym than to say, “See everyone even Mario Batali works out here and he’s lost *insert weight loss amount* pounds!”

    But in all seriousness I wouldn’t look any farther into it than to say it’s just hype and drama being pumped up to be more than what it is.

    She either dislikes seeing overweight people around her so she’s taking a proactive approach to end it, or she’s just a TWAT with a complex.

    Who really cares, if Mario wants to make her a special meal with Poison Sumac to exact his revenge then let him. If he accepts the offer graciously and goes above her spiteful antics then he’ll do so. Mark my words I do believe that Mario will come out of this more gracefully than Gwyneth will.

  34. $4500+ a year? For a gym membership?

  35. Z!!!!!!

    I wonder if pre-coital activity in bed with this frigid bitch is known as (ahem) cold play…?

  36. She is such an ego maniac and the goop thing is ridiculous. Now she also trying to be a fashion designer, you can read about that joke here;
    I really wish she would get over herself and just hole up in London forever!

  37. Zanna

    @37…oh God..that was good. *smokes cigarette*

  38. SoTe

    Plus, have u seen Mario? ( Like going to the gym is going to help, thanks Gwyneth, such a great friend.

  39. bari


  40. bari


    i mean


  41. darling

    When my sister and I are searching for the ultimate insult to hurl at each other… when one of us has been particularly hateful or snotty or snobbish or self-serving or useless or conceited or hideously, pompously smug, we invariably settle on calling each other “Gwyneth.” There’s really no better name to sum up so many odious attributes.

  42. testington

    honestly only fat people like having fat friends, unless youre a chubby chaser.

    I am in very good shape and watch what I eat and like to workout a few times a week. I do find it annoying when I try to hang with my fat friends and they wont go to the beach, or anywhere involving walking and then just want pizza or burgers for dinner when I try and suggest something like a sushi bar or organic restaurant. I like to splurge once in a while, but eating junk food and not working out really makes me loose respect for somebody

  43. lola

    Being overweight is horrible for health and self esteem. That was a nice gift, depending on how it was given.

  44. JPRichardson

    The gift fo a gym membership is nice (at least I would appreciate it). What is far from nice is her arrogant person picking friends based on their physical appearence. That is actually pretty stupid and says a lot about her sick personality.

  45. Ang

    Don’t know if anyone has mentioned this: CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  46. Galtacticus

    Any pics of this Mario guy available?

  47. Rhialto

    We all know by now my taste! Not too thin and tranny.

  48. His Huge Greatness Himself

    If i’m able to count your bones.You bet you won’t be boned by me.

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