Gwyneth Paltrow is a dear friend. If you’re not a fatty.

Gwyneth Paltrow and chef Mario Batali are close friends. BFFs even. Except there’s a problem: Mario’s a little on the chunky side and that’s just not GOOP-rific. Fortunately, Gwyn-Gywn’s there to give him a free membership to her overpriced gym. Haha, enjoy, fatty! Page Six reports:

Gwyneth Paltrow gave him a free membership to the pricey gym that she and her fitness friend Tracy Anderson are opening in TriBeCa this summer, saving him the $4,500 membership fee and monthly bills. An insider said, “Mario is the only fat friend she has, and wants him to change.”

If I were Mario, I’d know just the gift to thank my dear friend Gwyneth for her thoughtfulness: A flabby kick to the uterus. It’s simple, yet says “If you were anymore insipid, I’d carve you up and sell the meat to a McDonald’s where it’d ultimately be digested by the obese.”

Then again, I’m too much of a giver, so maybe just flowers.

Photos: Flynet