Gwyneth Paltrow is nuts

January 4th, 2006 // 45 Comments

gwyneth_paltrow_thumb1.jpgAccording to London’s Daily Mail, Gwyneth Paltrow has called in a rabbi from the trendy Kabbalah Centre after becoming convinced that her home is haunted.


  1. DrDanny

    Ya gotta be kidding, right? GP is beautiful by any measurement you choose. I think she’s a twit too, but Jumpin Jeebus, man! She’s a stunning bint!

  2. HeeHaw

    That’s “The Superficial” for you. Sittin’ around in front of his computer calling everybody fat, ugly, wrinkled, sagging, etc. etc.

    One week somebody is hot, then the next they’re ugly, fat, disgusting, old, wrinkly, leathery. Then they’re hot again. Then they’re fat and ugly.

    Keeping up with all of this? No? Me neither, so don’t feel bad.

    This site sucks.

  3. ElFurbe

    The site is supposed to be ironic and fickle. That’s pretty much the point. Hopefully, no one is being forced to read.

    As to Gwen, I’m right with Danny here. She’s dashingly lovely. However, I certainly can’t argue with the nutcase angle. She’s calling in a rabbi to abolish “negative energy” from here home. That’s an almost textbook definition of nutcase.

    Gwen, if you’re reading, you’re a beautiful girl, but lay off the sauce, alright?

  4. That “dark energy” is probably just mold. That crazy ho doesn’t need a Kabbalah rabbi, she needs a Kabbalah Building Inspector.

  5. chiris

    Ok, she names her children with really odd names… I think that gave us a clue about her sanity and now with this I’m more convinced she is nuts

  6. MortyFishbein

    First off, HeeHaw (2), you’re a miserable cunt.

    On a related topic, Gwyeth Paltrow has become all kinds of unhinged. This is the post-partum craziness that Tom Cruise warned us about . . .

  7. sammygirl

    She’s a pretty lady, but her boobs do look like 2 droopy bananas attached to her chest. I don’t know why she doesn’t wear a bra.

    Her comments, however, are downright hideous. I’ve never heard a celebrity speak with such pretension. I’m not saying she lacks talent, but she’s a child of privilege and her dad and Steven Spielberg (a close family friend) helped open doors for her. Doors that are usually locked shut for the rest of the aspiring actor pool. So she should be a little more grateful for what she has and not go off on things she knows little about.

    And yeah, the haunted house comments are lame too.

  8. HeeHaw

    “First off, HeeHaw (2), you’re a miserable cunt.”

    Don’t you just love the anonymous faceless internet? Where people can call each other names and pound out insults on their keyboard from the safety of their faceless, anonymous homes and offices? Makes people detached from reality. How’s that workin out for ya? Being detached from reality? ;)

    See, in real life if you were to say that to somebody, you’d get the shit kicked out of you. ;)

  9. kerrak

    What’s even funnier, HeeHaw, is when a person spends an entire paragraph mocking someone for sending out anonymous insults, and then finishes by sending out an anonymous insult. Now that’s genius.

  10. giantpores

    HeeHaw: you are a miserable cunt and I am going to kick your ass.

  11. Jennifer

    this site has really become a one trick pony. heres the formula- “celebrity name + some form of violence + profanity.”

    any third grader could do this if they just follow the formula.

  12. sammygirl

    I think it’s the celebrities who are engaging in some form of violence or profanity, or idiocy for the matter.

  13. MortyFishbein

    Thanks for the back up, boys and girls. Now will someone PLEASE tell me why people insist on signing up for this site and then make asinine comments like Jennifer (11)?

    The people who visit this site regularly know exactly what we come here for. It’s profane, it’s often violent and it’s always sexual. And, Heaven help us all, it may even be formulaic. But it’s EXACTLY what we want to read and what we want to laugh to. And when we don’t anymore, we’ll move on, something I would suggest you and HeeHaw (2) do!

    Bitch, I have some OTHER shocking news for you . . .

    People go to for well-written, insightful reviews that stick it in Hollywood’s ass and break it off!

    Also, people visit to read reviews about cars and articles related strictly to the automotive industry!

    Oh, oh!! And people visit to read about ordinary people’s experiences with products in which they are interested in purchasing!

    I myself have also been known to frequent, and because I want to read opinions about business-related topics!

    Get a grip . . . cunt.

  14. PapaHotNuts

    If Rabbi Kenny Kabbala can’t make it due to an appointment conflict with Madonna’s poltergeisted toaster oven, do the names Bill Murray, Dan Ackroyd, and Harold Ramis ring a bell?? Gwyneth, if you got a ghost in your crib giving off negative vibes to Baby Apple and Baby Banana, who you gonna call bitch? Dats right- da Ghostbustas.

  15. sammygirl

    Word MortyFishbein, word…

  16. PapaHotNuts

    Hey MortyFishbein!

    Rock on brother. Rock on. These are the same cock-juggling thunder-cunts that would go to a sauna and complain about the heat. Or the desert and complain about the sand. Or to school and complain about being required to learn. Keep on rockin in the free world to all that enjoy shallow, sarcastic, bashing of celebrities that may or may not deserve it.

  17. CelebGossipAficionado

    MortyFishbein for President.

  18. Namennayo

    “Dark energy?”

    That’s just the “View From the Top” script that fell in the sofa cushions.

    That and the collective sadness of Americans manifesting itself as a malevolent supernatural being within her fabulous, yet sacred home.

    It waits with bated breath and a handful of Prozac scripts. . . its day will come. Oh, yes.

  19. sparkmonkey

    The dark and unexplained are those 10 inch roots in between touch-ups. The Superficial has a point. She used to be cute but now she’s got titties to her knees, dark, dark roots, and sallow skin. I saw an unairbrushed photo of her from Live Aid. Scary stuff.

  20. i love the oughts

    It’s possible that she’s being haunted by the ghost of Jen and Brad’s relationship. She said it was getting too much attention and apparently it wants more.

  21. Maybe that “darkness” is actually post-partum depression, and she’s about to drown both her kids in the bathtub.

  22. Captain Awesome

    Twin-brotha darkness!

  23. HollyJ

    The “dark energy” is hell trying to swallow her up for naming her children Apple and Capone.

    PS Does she have a bat shoved up her ass in that photo?

  24. MortyFishbein

    I am not a crook!

  25. Mork

    A spokesman for Paltrow says there’s not a ghost of truth to the tale.
    “This is 100 percent false”, he told The Scoop. “[Paltrow] does not feel her home has any bad energy, and in fact feels that the house has wonderful energy and enjoys all the time she and her family spend there. Also Gwyneth is not a follower of Kabbalah and therefore has not enlisted the help of a Kabbalah rabbi particulary since there is nothing to exorcise from the home.

  26. I love K-fed's Corn Rolls

    Hey PapaHotNuts:

    Dude… I’m putting that shit on a freakin t-shirt, I should send you one for thanks… that’s AWESOME!

    As for Gwynnie… she’s a stupid bored girl who nepotism proved once more will eventually burn all the bridges that were layed for her and I will laugh because she’s stupid.

  27. amma

    …Whoa! Looks like a little of that dark energy seeped into the comments section. I think GP is pretty…I have no idea how anyone would know what her tits look like??? She is a moderately okay actress…but if this story is true, and I hope it is…Maybe she should have Kiefer over for a good drunkfest and that could take care of the ghost/thing/whatever it is. Or play some Federline/Swayze tunes or something. The Rabbi could come too…but at least make it interesting.
    Love the superficial!

  28. sammygirl

    Amma, here’s a view of Gwyneth’s boobies from the 2002 Oscars, where she wore that meshy dress by Alexander McQueen. I think they airbrushed the nipples away, but you can still see the rest:

  29. Bob Denver

    When exactly was Gwyneth Paltrow ever pretty?

  30. jka

    MortyFishbein, you rule. Your comments are exactly why I love The Superficial. It seems to me that the complaining commenters are in flagrant violation of the Superficial comment directive to “keep your comments relevant AND INTERESTING” (emphasis mine).


    Hello… you just figured out she is wacked out of her mind

  32. Jennifer


    uh, I have bad news for you jackass – you missed the point entirely. I don

  33. MortyFishbein

    I can’t clarify this more: again, as before, bitch, YOU missed the point.

    Take your laptop back into your double wide and have nice big cup of SHUT THE FUCK UP.

  34. MortyFishbein

    Oh, and have a pleasant night. :o)

  35. CelebGossipAficionado

    The above statement was paid for by MortyFishbein for President 2008.

  36. Jennifer

    I get it now – the people who think this stuff is funny are the same losers who say things like ‘I

  37. CelebGossipAficionado

    If a few people being silly frustrate you so much, why on earth to visit THE SUPERFICIAL website, and even take the time to COMMENT? Let a joke be a joke, and get over it. No one made you read the posts….

    Oh yeah, MortyFishbein for President. Don’t like the joke? Don’t read the posts anymore. Save yourself the obvious frustration it is causing you.

  38. CelebGossipAficionado

    I could of sworn this site was created to have a laugh at superficial celebrities, not to have average joes and janes hate someone they’ve never met over a typed line or two…or did I not get the memo that the goal had changed?

  39. Chelyn Briand

    She is a traitor to her country and has denounced the land that mader her rich and famous. Similar to her cowhort Madonna.

    Celebgossipafficianado: Shut up and take your holier than thou shit and shove it.

  40. CelebGossipAficionado

    #39, what’s with all the love you’re giving me? You think I made Gwyneth and Madonna sell out the U.S. for tea and biscuits? Nope, fraid not. Oh, and please reread #37 and have some chamomile tea. I hear that helps people RELAX.

  41. Meesa420

    Sounds like somebody needs a nap around here

  42. alteaon

    lol @ #16..”cock juggling thundercunts”..that’s a great way with words right there.

    When I go out with friends, I’m not looking to educate myself, I’m looking to laugh and have a good time. That’s why I come here, too.

  43. Charlotte

    OK first of all jennifer – get a life – secondly, as i think everyone else has mentioned – this site wasnt made to kiss Hollywood ass – it was made (i hope) to give some celebs the send-up they so obviously need and to provide a laugh for those who actually HAVE TO WORK for their money and need a little something to let off steam and to remind themselves that there ARE people who are; dumber than them (Paris anyone??), getting fatter-by-the-day and EVEN more irritating than their boss (Lindsay – words just fail me..) and yet STILL manage to be successful so basically jennifer…….just……go away, OK??????? damn woman – take that stick out of ur ass and beat yourself over the head with it PLEASE!!! ANYWAYS back to the original point – Gwyneth used to be beautiful – before she gave birth to the girl-with-the-singularly-most-ridiculous-name of all previous millennia (Apple Martin??? Gwen – is it ACTUALLY POSSIBLE that u managed to get urself totally and utterly stoned in the short interval between giving birth and naming ur kid?) in fact, although i did actually despise her after she stole, and i mean STOLE that Oscar from Cate Blanchett in Elizabeth (damn u Academy – DAMN you!!)- i did actually want to look like her for quite a few years but yeah i totally agree – she should stick to her nepotism-paved career of acting (badly)…. *phew* that felt goooood…. god i LOVE this site

  44. honestly, i think at some point they just are really bored and have nothing better to do…they only reason they aren’t the neighborhood cat lady is cause they have millions of dollars

  45. debbie k brooks

    Everything that I read about her shows her to be a spoiled, sarcastic, ungrateful bitch. She is sarcastic and………….well……….a bitch! She thinks that she has EARNED her fortune………yea, right………she EARNS making millions for one movie…………more like, she is damn LUCKY

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