Gwyneth Paltrow gives birth to Moses

April 10th, 2006 // 115 Comments

Gwyneth Paltrow’s rep confirmed today that she and Chris Martin gave birth to a baby boy over the weekend, proving all the tabloids wrong and naming him Moses Martin. It must have been tough for them to try and pick a name even worse than Mortimer or Capone, but I think they really outdid themselves. Not that Moses is a bad name, it just seems totally inappropriate. Like naming him Jesus or Hitler.

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  1. tits_on_snack

    there must be something more interesting going on in celeb-land.

  2. CheekyChops

    He’ll be called HOMO by the kids in school so what does it matter?

  3. CheekyChops

    Btw, wasn’t Katie pregnant before Gwen?

  4. Devil Is Chrome

    Moses? Apple? What is going on with these biblically themed names?

    Is poor Gwyneth guilt-ridden or something? Poor kids, really.

    “Hi, I’m Moses.” – fekking hell…

  5. gammanormids

    Mo(i)ses and Jesus are quite popular names in South America, and people I met with those names are quite normal and have nothing to do with the religious relation, nor their parents.
    Of course Gwynet doesn’t lieve in SA, but..

  6. Grphdesi23

    Being the child of a celebrity is a curse.

    The worst name I’ve ever heard given to a child of a celebrity is “Pilot Inspector”. This name was given by none other than actor Jason Lee and his girlfriend.

    Horrible.

  7. Grphdesi23

    Sorry, it’s spelled Inspecktor.

  8. biatcho

    It’s gotta be an Easter thing. The “Ten Commandments” will be making it’s annual viewing this Sunday on ABC so perhaps Gwyn just had a hankering for some Chuck Heston a few days earlier.

    In related news, Gwyneth Paltrow immediately regrets the decision to name her son Moses after realizing Charlton Heston is crazy & kills people with guns. Blames it on all the drugs the hospital gave her. Sues hospital for all it’s worth. Names son Yahweh instead.

  9. Ashlee

    #53 – I was thinking the same thing.

    I could be wrong, or confused by all the publicity but I was sure Katie Holms was pregrant before Gwen – does anyone know? Would make an interesting rumour…

  10. Maybe Katie’s holding hers in. I would, if I was in her position. Silent birth, my butt.

  11. sweetcheeks

    There are hundreds of WAY cooler names in the Bible than “Moses.” I’ve always been a big fan of “Habbakuk” and “Gad.” Just flip through any of the minor prophets for some great sounding, celebrity-esque names — Obadiah, Haggai, Stumpy Joe, Zephaniah…

  12. MizScarlett

    Maybe the kid’s name is Moses because they forgot to use a Ramses.

    My choice for crappiest celeb kid name: Penn Gillette’s daughter, Moxie Crimefighter. Like she wasn’t comdemned to a life of Living Hell just by DNA.

  13. PapaHotNuts

    Maybe she’ll leave a letter silent like she did for Anthony Hopkins (remeber she kept calling him Antony).

    Oses
    Moes
    Mose
    Moss

    I like the name Moss best. Moss Martin. And he’ll call them ommy and addy. What a bunch of ucking orons. Eat my ock wyneth altrow.

  14. Aimtrue

    Yeah Hitler “let us never forget ” martin-

    Or

    Martin, Luther King

    Who cares really- I just hope the kid can’t send down a plague of buring hail- While very cool, it would certainly run the paint job on my Pacer

    So it is written, so shall it be done

  15. Sparks

    Oh come on – I already knew you’d make fun of “Moses”, but calling it WORSE than Mortimer, Sophocles and Capone must be a joke! You gotta admit that Moses is far more better than these crazy names! And it’s actually a pretty common name in some cultures, e.g. in Africa!

  16. Aimtrue

    Wait, I have to recant, they named him after Masoes Malone a/k/a Black Jesus.

  17. I know you will all hate me for this, but PapaHotNuts, you win. I’m still ROFLing over here.

  18. TaiTai

    Dweezil and Moon Unit = cool because Zappa was cool

    Zowie = cool because Bowie was cool

    Apple and Moses = uncool because Coldplay sucks

    By the way Jason Lee — he of “My Name is Earl” who has a child who must say “My Name is Pilot Inspecktor” — is a Scientologist. Maybe that’s another Scientology fad, thinking of bizarre nonsense names for your children. If Katie ever has that “baby,” what must they name it? I think I vote for “Sea.” Or maybe “Karnival.” Or maybe they should just go straight for “Doomed.”

  19. Tracy

    This poor kid is in for a life filled with the following…

    Holy Moses!
    Noah, uh, I mean Moses.
    …and a bevy of Red Sea jokes…

  20. Charlotte

    I thought it couldnt get any worse than Apple Martin. I stand corrected. Ok, maybe not worse but can you imagine introductions they will have to go through in their lives – like
    Person X: So, hi how u doin – i’m (normal, sane name) whats ur name?
    Apple/Moses: I’m A/M
    Person X: hahahahahahah no…….seriously….. whats ur name?
    Apple/Moses: yeah really my name is A/M Martin
    ……..Silence…………..
    Can’t u just FEEL the pain??? i really gotta say i feel for those kids – particularly Apple – not only does she have a dumb name but she’s also ugly as hell – cute, i admit, but ugly.
    i would PAY to be in the courtroom when they bring a joint lawsuit against their sadistic parents. Nepotism might have given u a career, sweetie – but u can’t name ur kids for shit. You should have called it Oscar as a reminder of ur 30 seconds at the top. Enough said.

  21. auh2o

    Moses is a cool name. I’d trade my stupid name for Moses anyday. This mexican bartender I know is named Moses and he’s the baddest motherfucker you’ve ever seen. It’s all in how you rock it. Would it be better if they named him Jeremy or Jared or Ryan…

  22. biatcho

    The thing is – these 2 kids will have so much money they will be shitting it out their holes so I am sure they will inevitably not give a fuck what their names are. Except when they get their asses kicked as awkward teenagers for using all of their parents’ money & fame as a defense mechanism.

  23. Mouth

    Wow she is full of herself, naming the kid Moses, he is pretty damn important in the bible.

  24. Equalparts

    1. Why couldn’t TomKat’s pregnancy go by as fast as GP’s?

    2.Apple is an adorable name, I loved it.

    3. I dunno, it seems the only people in this world who should be named Moses live in Mexico City or something. Maybe Jerusalem.

    4. Jason Lee is more than welcome to knock me up anytime he wants to and I’ll name the kid anything from Inspector Gadget to Stone Temple Pilot to Bite Me.

    5. I wouldn’t mind screwing a dude named Moses. Just to “be there”, you know.

  25. M@ce

    I think Moses is a fine name for a child… Gotta run, I have to go pick up my kids Slinky and Easy Bake from daycare.

  26. When I was in China, I knew this huge mongolian guy named Apple. He was really friendly, and could eat a lot of rice. The name really suited him, as he was round like an apple.

  27. prideofchucky

    Moses? I dunno.. Might work. Let’s try it out-(ahem):

    MOSES! GIVE ME UR LUNCH MONEY YOU CRYBABY LITLLE SHIT!! (POW! SOCK!SMACK!!!)

    Yep, it works…

  28. prideofchucky

    oh and #45′s comment rocks…

  29. bafongu

    Hopefully he’ll have a huge cock, that way he can give girls the burning bush…. and toss ‘em two tablets for the itching….

  30. Why are some people trying to justify Apple is cute, the kid is ugly mogloid looking, No comment on Moses but looking at the gentics of this woman maybe one of her kids can come out looking cute. They say two ugly people make cute babies in Apple case it was a strike. Maybe Moses will have this chance. Gwyeth is ugly her movie Proof I rented was a total waste of time and money.
    I took a Xanax and fell asleep on this movie and all I heard was this bitch screaming and crying what a bore..

  31. FreddyPudwacker

    All hail Moses, King of the Jews.

  32. Pez_D_Spencer

    #42 Yeah, Orange would be good on multiple levels. Then they could also go for the “Orange you glad I didn’t name you Banana” gag.

    All I know is that with a name like Moses Martin, if that kid can’t rain 3′s like they’re gonna be outlawed tomorrow, he’s going to be getting a lot of atomic wedgies.

  33. kitty_kat

    Ugh! Hollywood. What kind of a name is Moses to name a boy born in 2006? Ridiculous!

  34. Trotter

    Their next kid should be named Satan. Regardless of gender. Here are our happy kids, Apple, Moses and Satan.

    Idiots. Somebody please hurl some feces at them.

  35. mamacita

    @82

    Hey. You said “…….if that kid can’t rain 3′s like they’re gonna be outlawed tomorrow, he’s going to be getting a lot of atomic wedgies.”. That sounds like it’s really funny, except I don’t know what the hell “raining 3′s” means. If that makes me stupid, so be it, but please, explain. Thank you.

  36. Trotter

    Basketball analogy, Mama. 3-pointers. Fuck, how would I know that? I’m ashamed.

  37. Mr. Fritz

    Moses is odd, but not as bad as Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily (Michael Hutchence’s kid), Fifi Trixabelle, Peaches, and Pixie (same mother as Tiger Lily’s). However both parents died and don’t have to hear “Why did you fuck up my life by giving me this shitty name?”

  38. Trotter

    Hey, don’t forget Dweezil and Moon Unit. Of course, Frank was actually cool.

  39. mamacita

    @86

    Ooooohhhhhhh, ok. Well, at least now I don’t feel really stupid because I know nothing of sports and don’t really have a reason to. I also happen to be one of those lucky women who has a husband that doesn’t give a shit about sports either. And I was right. Now that I know what it means, it IS really funny. Thanks for the info, Trotter!

  40. aura

    Old Testament theme?

  41. Trotter

    Mama – you’re a wise and lucky woman. And I bet you won’t name your kids after fruit or vegetables.

  42. Pearly

    Fifi Trixibelle? Bob Geldof is a wingnut. Moses is an awful name, my grandmother wanted me to name my aon Morris after my late grandfather Morris. I didn’t, I’m not that mean. Gwynnie apparently is. She sucks, Coldplay sucks and their baby naming abilities suck. I’m glad they live in London!

  43. Pearly

    Fifi Trixibelle? Bob Geldof is a wingnut. Moses is an awful name, my grandmother wanted me to name my aon Morris after my late grandfather Morris. I didn’t, I’m not that mean. Gwynnie apparently is. She sucks, Coldplay sucks and their baby naming abilities suck. I’m glad they live in London!

  44. Pearly

    dammit

  45. Pearly

    my son not my aon…

  46. Evangelia

    i thought she was going to name the kid matisyahu?

  47. TaiTai

    #96 no you are thinking of the name Madonna picked out for her mid-life child.

  48. BarryBonds

    Should have named the kid ALLAH…

  49. BarryBonds

    Should have named the kid ALLAH…

  50. Shush

    I once had a hamster named Moses, I think thats relevant here.

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