Gwyneth Paltrow gives birth to Moses

April 10th, 2006 // 115 Comments

Gwyneth Paltrow’s rep confirmed today that she and Chris Martin gave birth to a baby boy over the weekend, proving all the tabloids wrong and naming him Moses Martin. It must have been tough for them to try and pick a name even worse than Mortimer or Capone, but I think they really outdid themselves. Not that Moses is a bad name, it just seems totally inappropriate. Like naming him Jesus or Hitler.



  1. She looks like a rock* star in that picture. Congrats on the baby. But naming the baby Moses, not right. To eaches own.

  2. ESQ

    In other news worthy news…Gwyneth Paltrow is stupid, not hot and needs to come up with better baby names…

    Tom Cruise is doing a commercial for Doc Johnson’s Erozone Glide Wonder…

  3. Tracie

    “It must have been tough for them to try and pick a name even worse than Mortimer or Capone, but I think they really outdid themselves. Not that Moses is a bad name… They might as well have named him Jesus.”

    Couldn’t agree more! Apple is a cute little girl, but has anyone noticed she’s got a lazy eye?

  4. BigJim

    Why didn’t they just name the kid “Kick Me”?

  5. booface

    Since superfish news is so boring this morning, I’m left with no choice but to correct #1′s post. It’s “to each his own”, not “to eaches own”.

    That’s all I have to say about that.

  6. RainMaker

    Hey Moe. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

  7. Don'tPanic

    Moses is the name of a Coldplay song that Chris wrote for Gwenyth. It’s still a horrendously stupid name.

  8. tits_on_snack

    gwyneth paltrow is a pretentious snob.

  9. M@ce

    Hopefully, he will grow up and lead her out of the land of stupidity…

  10. little_miss_perfect

    After naming the baby Moses, Gwyneth promptly put him in a basket and sent him down a river.

    Luckily, Moses managed to part the river and crawl to safety. Unfortunately, a rich man’s daughter, by the name of Paris, then found the child, thought it would make cute pet, put a monkey suit on it and named it Mr. Winkles.

  11. Italian Stallion

    Thanks for fucking correcting us everyday booface, I mean Gump…..Wait, did I spell everything correctly?….ok

  12. Akapee

    #5 thanks for edumacating #1

  13. Italian Stallion

    I heard he parted the red sea a couple times before he was born….nevermind, thats nasty

  14. I’ll never understand why famous people feel the need to make some kind of statement by naming their children weird things that will get them bitchslapped later in life. Like David Bowie naming his kid Fifi Trixiebelle.

  15. SuperSpence

    I still run into girls who think Gwyneth Paltrow is “classy” and “intelligent.” When I run into these girls, I often find myself wanting to “run over” these girls. And pretty soon, I will.

    So if you’re one of these girls who thinks Gwyneth Paltrow is “classy” and “intelligent,” you’ve received fair notice: I will run you over with one of my 17 luxury automobiles.

    [If you're hot, I might have sex with you first, but I'm still running you over once I'm finished. I call that my "hit and run special." You know, 'cause I'm special that way.]

  16. LittleWatson

    That is the worst name I’ve ever heard next to Apple.

  17. Tha-Flash

    She could have chosen something funnier. Hitler would have been hilarious.

  18. jennifer11


    you’re wrong! he parted the pink C. but just the once.

  19. Italian Stallion

    I hope they buy him a cane like that dude in the bible, he’s gonna need something to beat away the bullies!!!

  20. What’s wrong with “Michael Martin” or “Andrew Martin”? It’s almost like these pretentious morons are trying to garner more publicity by naming their poor children these hideous names. And invariably, that’s exactly what they get: Incessant reporting on the crazy names they give their kids. Mission accomplished.

  21. gsprescueguy

    Holy Moses! Another bad baby name.

    What freaking bad baby name book did her mother buy her?

  22. Also, any news on birth defects? You know, since mommy’s been boozing it up in recent news…

  23. if-its-pink-i'll-take-it

    what is wrong with these celebrities? why do they feel the need to call their spawn such RIDICULOUS names? moses is pretty damn bad but the worst i’ve heard are “fifi trixibell”, “pilot inspector” and “MOON UNIT”…!! you’ve got to admire britney for this at least – she seems to be the only celebrity to have named her baby anything remotely sane recently.

  24. #14

    David Bowie, to my knowledge, didn’t name is kid Fifi Trixibelle.

    That was Bob Geldof.

  25. bafongu

    Marcus Licinius Crassus has a nice ring to it. Then he can crucify all the slaves that dare look upon his skank mother.

  26. c1ndy

    You should all BACK OFF. It’s almost impossible for celebrities to think of a stupid name nowadays- all the good ones have gone.

  27. suzy

    she must have a thing with Biblical themes…

    first Apple which is what drove Adam and Eve into temptation

    and now Moses who is a leader and was an incredible human being who worshipped God…

    I think this is just interesting

  28. PapaHotNuts

    My priest just informed me that the bible was in the process of being edited so the name “Moses” can be changed to “Larry”. God did not want to have anything in common with Paltrow or Martin or their half-mongoloid-demon-child.

    And then right after my priest told me this, he touched my genitals softly and told me to pretend I was 9 years old again..

  29. gogoboots

    I like Apple, Moses seems a little osentatious tho.

  30. #24, I stand corrected. Either way, it’s a name for a poodle, not a child. Paris would love it.

  31. Jacq

    Moses must mean one soon-to-be screwed up little fucker in English. (Since the red pens are out today, I meant English language, not England.) Better than Antony.

  32. Laurie

    Moses Martin? Still better than what Rob Morrow named his daughter. Tu Morrow. (seriously that’s what he and his wife picked out)

  33. Moses? As if being son to these two schmucks wasn’t daunting enough, they give him a moniker like Moses?? I realize parting something as nasty as Gwynie’s thighs might be akin to the Red Sea, but come on!

  34. Erin

    Man, She didnt seem to be pregnant for that long. I was expecting Katie Homes (mostly) and Gwen Stefani to give birth first. Either Katie has been lying/ her baby is an alien, or Gweneth Paltrow hid the first few months of her pregnancy *really* well.

  35. tits_on_snack

    Yeah Bob Geldof named his kids Fifi Trixiebelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, Pixie, and Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily.. David Bowie’s kid with the wacky name is “Joey Zowie Bowie”. But that’s not even his real name, it’s “Duncan Joey Zowie Heywood Jones”, as David Bowie’s real last name is actually Jones. He changed it from David Jones to David Bowie in 1966, to avoid confusion with Davy Jones from the Monkees.
    P.S. Gwyneth Paltrow still sucks.

  36. When this kid grows old enough to learn about the bible, he’ll probably start telling everyone Moses copied him.

  37. It’s a shame, she can no longer get attention for her acting so she has to saddle her kids with ridiculous names to get 5 lines of print in the gossip pages. Kinda like Tom Cruise does 5 lines of crystal meth before allowing the entire Ducke LaCrosse team to shove their LaCrosse Sticks up him.

  38. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Black people have been naming their boys Moses for years. I once dated a Moses. He stole my dvd player and blamed it on his neighbor, then he had sex with two of my friends. So I can see why Gwyneth would want to name her baby after him, not the old guy played by Charlton Heston.

  39. James Earl Cash

    I would feel sorry for some of these kids but then I remember they are far richer than I will ever be (and more famous by association).

    I would totally change my name to something equally as retarded in exchange for millions of dollars.


  40. BigJim

    When he’s older, him and Jesus Jones can cut an album together.

  41. andrewthezeppo

    Well there’s an upside, they can always call the kid Moe for short, which is perfectly normal sounded name and one of the funniest Simpson’s characters. Because lets be honest, if Gweneth Paltrow is your mom, you really need any upside you can get.

  42. I was hoping they would name the boy Orange.

    That way, when the children ask, “Who do you love more?” they can say: “Kids, that’s not fair. It’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.”

  43. spiritof75

    Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother, even if they name thou Moses. Thou shalt not commit murder, even to aforementioned parents.

  44. J.B.

    I actually have a cousin named Moses. Only he pronounces it the Hebrew way. And he is a Hasidic Jew. So I say this is okay, as long as the whole family moves to Brooklyn and become Hasids.

  45. childbirth is painful…she obviously named him moses because of her burning bush…

  46. I wrote in my blog how both of her kids are going to hate her once they get to grade school and they have the bully picking on them. Although they can always fire back with… “im rich.”

  47. Good one #42 (Twisted Humor)

    As for myself, I gave both of my kids unique names. I’m not raising just any Tom, Dick or Harry and though I’ve done nothing like Grace Slick’s old joke of naming her daughter “god”, Moses would be pretty close in obscurity and I purposefully named my kids after much study.

  48. The Hebrew form of “Moses” is “Moshe.” Paltrow actually is half Jewish on her dad’s side and her grandfather was some big Rabbi or something in Russia. So I can see the name. Of course the kid is only 1/4 Jewish, and since his dad is the Coldplay doofus, he’s actually 1/2 Douchebag.

  49. re: #48, let’s hope Brad & Angelina name their kid “Moshe”, because then it would be Moshe Pitt, and people could jump up and down on top of him.

  50. #49, it’s pronounced “Moshuhh” but I like your thinking…

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