Gwyneth Paltrow converts to Kabbalah. Who saw that coming?

February 12th, 2009 // 69 Comments

Gwyneth Paltrow wore a Kabbalah bracelet to the premiere of her new movie Two Lovers last night, and seriously, is anyone surprised? I’m pretty sure Gwyneth will do at least one, if not all, of the following things in the coming year:

- Steal a child from an African village. Call it “adoption.”
- Divorce her British husband.
- Have sex with Hispanic men regardless of age, marital status.
- Sleep for 1,000 years in a sarcophagus only to awaken and lay waste to civilization by wearing fishnet stockings on her really gross legs.

Ah, peer pressure. I knew that shit would kill us.

Photos: Splash News, WENN

  1. Phildo

    A-Roid was wearing one in his ESPN interview also.

  2. jim

    she’s HOT now. what happened.

  3. jim

    she’s HOT now. what happened.

  4. Savalas

    I smell mothballs and tuna

  5. Blah

    She’s not as hot as she thinks she is. And all the skanky getup lately looks ridiculous on her. What happened to her classy look? Blech. I agree with fish, I smell divorce.

  6. R K

    Wonder if the bracelet is a ‘good luck’ charm/gift by madonna? I’d hate to think Gyn has both no mind of her own, AND chooses sarcophagus-girl as her life inspiration…

  7. pole

    WTF is with those shorts? Is she trying to look old? They look like momjeans but leather momshorts gross!

  8. chick

    I can’t believe that Gwyneth Paltrow is only 36! She looks so much older – I’d give her 10 years on Jennifer Aniston (and Jen is turning 40)!!

  9. Ted

    Let’s see, shorts with a waist so high the belt almost reaches her sagging boobs. Lovely.

  10. nipolian

    The ONLY redeeming characteristic that this douchebageress has is that her mom played Liilian Meechum in The Great Santini.

  11. GwynethAwesomeKaballahBad

    Madonna only visits with hispanic men for drugs.

  12. Rick

    I can’t stand her fucking 24/7 shit-eating grin, makes me want to chrisbrown her.

  13. jrz

    Wow, Gwenyth…is being a mindless follower the new black? How fucking cutting edge of you to be a Madonnawannabe at age 40. So chic.

  14. That’s not a Kaballah leash, it’s a reminder that she’s on the rag so she doesn’t ruin those awesome shorts.

  15. Cash

    A better question: Who cares?

  16. Insatiable Peter

    Pompous bitch. Nothing like predicating your smug outlook on nepotism and leaching from Chris’ charisma and achievements, right Gwyneth?

  17. Sexy Techy

    One has to wonder about people who feel the need to wear their religion on their clothes.

  18. Cindi

    I think she’s wonderful and talented and spiritual and beautiful and those shorts are lovely and the big Louis Vuitton bag is awesome and personally I love the black outfit and she’s not fat and we really don’t know what happened that night between those two so who can judge and those two seem delighted to have run into him and he seems like such a nice sport and maybe he’s on drugs or it’s all just an act who knows but that’s the fun part and an experienced host like that is so incredibly cool and unruffled even by crazy stuff and it’s not bad for an attempt at a throwback to earlier pictorials and good for them they seem in love and personally I love the black outfit and she’s not fat.

  19. That’s not a Kabbalah bracelet. My girlfriend wears one and she’s a Buddhist.

  20. justifiable

    You left out:

    - Be even more condescending as she, from her Olympean, macrobiotic, Kabbalistic heights, instructs the rest of us how to live our drab little lives from her website, Because true happiness is only really achieved through trying to appoximate hers.

  21. Alex

    18: You’re awesome. All we are missing is the piano organ and the pretty painted horses that go up and and down.

    17: You’re retarded. “One has to wonder about people who feel the need to wear their religion on their clothes.” Ya mean like wearing a cross or star around your neck? That’s crazy!! Who would do that? There seem to be quite a few people (at least 100, im sure) that “wear their religion on their clothes.” Idiot. : )

  22. devilsrain

    It has to be fun to play pretend for a living

  23. Who is this Gwyneth. Is she a priest?

  24. Fati

    hahaha. wow, fish, you are really subtle, but i think you mean that gwyneth patrow is impersonating madonna. good job on presenting it so low-key, i almost missed the analogy.

  25. p0nk

    cindi, meth is a bad drug, ok?

  26. Who is this Gwyneth. Is she a priest?

  27. Who is this Gwyneth. Is she a priest?

  28. Who is this Gwyneth. Is she a priest?

  29. Who is this Gwyneth. Is she a priest?

  30. lola

    The clothing choice is a bit odd, but she is undenaibly beautiful

  31. Turd Ferguson

    bwahahahahaaa that was the best story ive read on this site in a long while.

  32. Trend

    What’s with all of these desperate old women trying to get attention. She is under the same desperate pr agency as Jennifer Aniston, you can’t trust anything that’s released from them. Their clients are so phony.

  33. HITLER

    She’s a hag.
    Let’s stoke the fires and throw her in the oven.


  34. kate

    Do u know she tries to register on ***sugarmingle. c om***, but has been refused for some reasons. I do not think it’s hard to join that site. Britney has her profile there.

  35. AirMail56

    Long as Dennis Rodman keeps it out of her pooper, I’m O.K.

  36. kels

    I’m sorry, but she’s always been very plain looking to me…very vanilla…very boring…just another average white woman.

  37. Balack Obama Fixin' America, 1 Trillion at a time

    Ya, next she will fuck Madonna on stage.

  38. #30? Beautiful? What must you look like then? Grace Kelly was beautiful. Gwyn is plain & not even pretty. Your standards are low because you are ugly. See how that works?

  39. #30? Beautiful? What must you look like then? Grace Kelly was beautiful. Gwyn is plain & not even pretty. Your standards are low because you are ugly. See how that works?

  40. Elmo

    poor, poor Chris.

  41. susanist

    You don’t know what anything about the subject of Kabbalah but like too many Americans believe your negative opinions amount to something. Just stick to whatever moronic activity you are good at and leave Kabbalah and the study of Hebrew alone.

  42. Julia

    Do you know she likes big manful guy on “PlusMeet. c0m”? She is a gold member on this site and she posts her profile&photos there. Don’t know’s the lucky guy!

  43. It’s noo secret any longer.
    Almost all celebs in america SUCK, folks!!

  44. 41, Susanist, suck it. Kabbalah is for uneducated celebrities like Madonna, Paltrow and Demi Moore. Same goes for Scientology, Cruise and Travolta.
    Anyone w/an education isn’t going to fall for this crap because they went to school, read books, wrote papers and took exams. They learned how to think. Not knuckleheads like you!

  45. lawrenec

    She is absolutely sexy~have you found your love at where I could not search you out now~~~

  46. Joe

    Dear The Superficial Writer,

    I would like to think you for taking a joke as far as it can go and having it still be funny. You rock my world and I would gladly handover my firstborn bastard to have a drop of you magical ability to create laughter at the expense of others.

  47. yidl mit fidl

    one doesn’t “convert” to Kabbalah…


  48. Kabbalah

    How unstimulating our lives must be when we study dead languages and then an ancient mystical philosophy that does not have anything to do with reality of logic to distract us from our aging meaningless existence.
    Why not travel and read and develop hobbies that are not centered around our narcissistic realm of self?
    Poor prematurly aging hag. God she’s getting ugly fast. Poor genes.
    Bony thighs. No hips. No ass.

  49. fee

    my cats are looking at the squirrels outside. ^____^

  50. sote

    insipid bitch I cant stand her.

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