Gwyneth Paltrow Goes To The Emmys:
A Profile in Courage

September 23rd, 2011 // 75 Comments

I sat this one on the back burner yesterday to focus on Arnold’s new book, but the latest issue of GOOP graced the Internet as it does every Thursday, and as a special treat to all you everyday moms out there, Gwyneth Paltrow shares her Emmys preparation process which literally starts in Paris and ends in instructing your driver to navigate around Audis – EWWWW!! On top of providing handy tips on organic tea-based make-up products and hotel recommendations you could never afford, Gwyneth also opens up about the intense personal struggles of dressing fancy and reading words off a screen. She could’ve died:

4:59 pm
It’s a minute to show time, and I find my seat in the second row (right behind the cast of 30 Rock!) The seat filler before me was sweaty … so my chair was wet. Gross!

7:50 pm
I present the award for “Outstanding Comedy Series.” The teleprompter clearly doesn’t work, so I ad lib.

You just read both of those: Gwyneth wrote the Emmys herself, and perspiration is for poor people. You know, it really must be something to live in a world where having your sweat glands replaced with Faberge eggs is as simple as shaving which is why I always love these little GOOPdates. – I call them GOOPdates. – It’s like Gwyneth is spoon-feeding us just the tiniest taste of her life before tossing it in the incinerator with all the other unicorn horn dining utensils. Because as GOOP Tip #558 informs us: “I know you all have scurvy.”

Photo: Splash News, WENN

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  1. Gwyneth Paltrow Emmy Prep
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’t know anyone who has scurvy & her ass looks as flat as a pancake in those pants.

  2. Banastre Trent - Holmesworth

    I say , she’s a bit in love with herself ! Sharing her exploits with us in a way that is reminiscent of Jacobo Peterman ,when he forced Elaine to write his imaginary memoirs. I wonder if G. Paltrow writes her own Goop or if she employs someone to write it for her , since the time it takes to actually compose sentences and paragraphs could be better spent adoring oneself , couldn’t it ?

    • TomFrank

      Composing sentences and paragraphs about oneself is a form of adoring oneself.

      • Dave Kujan

        Time away from a mirror , or time away from a photographer ? Dashing around Paris and spending money the way she is able , being pampered , or writing a blog ?

      • Fambam

        stop hating…love Gweneth :)
        ..
        Subway giving away $100 giftcards http://goo.gl/pnkjh …4 their 40th anniversary…next 24 hours only ..i been eating free all week..lol

    • Jim Pembry

      “Elaine , where we , or yes , I was telling you about my EMMY appearance ,… I remember the seat was sweaty , like the Burmese jungle just after the monsoon rain ….. Write something about a sweaty seat and my time in Burma , searching for the hermit monks and how sweaty the jungle was . Now The teleprompter was working , but that’s not exciting , so let’s write that the teleprompter was broken and I had to improvise , much like this autobiography. Make up some clever remarks that I adlibed and how nervous I was , you know , and feel free to throw in some Sexual innuendo about the women in the front row , etcetera …..

      • SarahK

        Why shouldn’t she be in love with herself? She has been blessed. Oh well. Too bad so sad for you here at Bottom Feeders United!

      • Farrokh Bulsara , Jr.

        Were you a writer on the Show ? Sounds like the dialogue that peterman would have uttered exactly.

    • Honest John

      Correction , It was Jacopo Peterman. Otherwise , you are in every other detail correct. G Paltrow is a insecure , vain, pretentious , self – absorbed , shallow waste of oxygen. Oh , I forgot , her hair is thin and lifeless!!!!!!!

  3. Gwyneth Paltrow Emmy Prep
    SIN
    Commented on this photo:

    Side Boob shot…if she had any.

  4. if there was a god HE’D toss her ass in the incinerator–now, not on the other side

    • SarahK

      They say “nobody’s perfect” Gwyneth is the exception that proves the rule. DEAL WITH IT! Yeah, that just happened!

      • Dick

        Are you truly content with your only purpose on this page being that you lurk around this section,attacking anybody that makes a negative remark about Goopy? Basically,being an arse-sniffing,brown-nosing gutless shill? Are you a moderator over at GOOP? An administrator, perhaps? Hell,even Goop herself?Clearly there’s a cause for your relentless tonguing of Gwynny’s rectum.

      • Dave Kujan

        Perfectly pretentious!

      • CranAppleSnapple

        Her rectum reputedly tastes like fairy leche and gryphon jizz, hence the tonguing.

      • shure

        You have very low standards for perfection. She has small ugly tits and a below average face with bad skin.

      • Giancarlo Tartinni

        “YEAH , THAT JUST HAPPENED” Sounds like a bad line from a poorly written cartoon from the 80′s or maybe 90′s . Do yourself a favor , try not to use cliches or throw away lines that someone else has already thrown away

  5. I was about to say ‘poor Gwyneth’ but those words have a restraining order by her legal team from being within 50 feet of each other.

    • SarahK

      uh-huh. not funny. Don’t quit your day job…er ah… if you even have one. Gwyn is probably funnier than your left nut.

      Yeah, that just happened!

      • Actually, that was funny. Sarah, if you don’t like this site….stop reading…doh.

      • SarahK

        HAHAHA Never said I didn’t like it. Learn to read. Then post. I think this site is funny. But to pick on Gwyn is ridiculous. The men should stop kidding themselves and admit they love her! but can’t ever have her.

        The world won’t stop turning…

    • SarahK, it’s not even noon and you’ve posted oner 20 times on this thread alone. You’re not funny, we’re not jealous, and your tag phrase “Yeah, that just happened!” was funny back in 2009. Something tells me you weren’t funny back then, either.

      And for the record, mcpoop’s remark is damn funny – he probably shits things that are more original than anything you’ll ever produce.

  6. Marcellus Wallace

    Let’s face it , She believes that the entire world exists to meet her needs and to worship her . She’s a modern deity , so kneel , bow , and compose odes to her with panache and pomp .

  7. youbetcha

    the world is her oyster.

  8. SarahK

    You stinky-sweaty-pasty-basement dwellers are jealous because you know you could never score a woman like Gwyneth. NOT EVEN CLOSE! She is perfection personified. She’s even too good to be in your dreams. LMAO

    • MJB

      @SarahK: Gwyneth, is that you?!?!

      • SarahK

        Hahah! Yeah right. do you really think Gwyn would have time in her precious day to defend herself against the bottom feeders that post here? SHA! C’mon now. Smarten up.

    • What an idiot. We have a celebrity worshipper. Let’s clue SarahK in…Gwen doesn’t know you exist, doesn’t want to know you exist. Move on from your Gwenny worship now.

      • SarahK

        Why be such a hater? Why is it so hard to admit that she looks good and is blessed. be happy for other people. It’s not as hard as you seem to think

    • SarahK’s a total troll – too bad she’s not an amusing one. I don’t know what the fuck it is about 16 year olds that they have this total assurance that they’re screamingly brilliant in the adult world, but let’s just say their confidence in themselves is really, really, misplaced.

      • juaquin ingles

        Thanks to the “teach your kid they’re special and cute no matter how homely and retarded” movement. This cunt needs to be hit with a ruler and stand in the corner wearing a dunce cap.

    • Dan

      Here’s the thing. No one in their right mind would want to deal with her. If she acts like this in public, think how she acts in private.

    • CranAppleSnapple

      I think Gwyneth would be fairly scared of you, Sarah. She would assume you have rabies. I certainly think you do.

  9. zomgbie

    actually before gwyneth sat in that seat, kim kardashian was sitting in it.

    so i dont think it was sweat.
    just saying.

  10. Hizzoner

    She said “have a play” with her children. Nice English talk there, Madonna #2.

    • SarahK

      Ah, her husand is English. Perhaps you’ve heard of him, CHRIS MAAAAAAARTIN From Coldplay. Maybe she picked it up from husband. It does happen. And Madonna was her bff for a long time and hell-o she was married to a hot brit too. The direct dude, guy ritchie. HELLL-O!

      • Porter

        Chris Martin and Coldplay ripped off Joe Satriani. F Them both. There’s a reason Brad Pitt dumped her. At first I thought he was a bit of a cad. Now we all know that he was just a little more precognizant than many of us.

      • Hizzoner

        So what? That doesn’t make it sound any less ridiculous. If he said it, it would be fine, but she was the one who said it and it makes her seem like an idiot.

      • Giancarlo Tartinni

        The guys that wear the stupid knit caps on their heads in the summer ?

  11. SarahK

    Funny. You make fun about how ‘awful’ she is and yet you keep posting about her everyday. So is this like some weirdo boy thing where you claim you don’t like her but in fact you really do?

  12. throad

    If this SarahK is serious in her posts, then she really needs to see a shrink. How can someone worship a total stranger. oh i forgot… fuck you sarahk

    • SarahK

      I realize that you will never score a woman like Gwyn, and I am sorry for you.

    • MJB

      Exactly. If she isn’t employed by or associated with Gwyneth and/or her publicity team, then she needs help. People log on to The Superficial for some lighthearted diversion, not to stick their tongues up some ridiculous, overrated celebrity’s ass.
      On second thought, by doing that maybe you can dislodge the stick she’s crammed up there.

  13. forrest gump

    please show her the back door, folks!!

    • SarahK

      I’m sure Gwyn gives it up that way too. And enjoys it!!!! I bet you are even more upset now that you can’t get a hot, toned sexually willing woman. She is perfect every man’s fantasy. But few are really worthy.

      Deal.

      • Farrokh Bulsara , Jr.

        She is at best better than the girls that work in the food court her at my mall . And she has thin hair .

      • Jumbo Gumbo

        Well, I’m form the bayou , and I’d like to introduce that brie -eating , America – hating bitch to some down -country fun here in Louisiana.. Me and the brothers – and I do mean brothers , would like to introduce her to the Louisiana Three Way.
        I guarantee she will either start making frequent flyer arrangements to Baton Rouge , or vomit at the sight of a hot dog for some time to come , Either way , she’ll leave Louisiana bow – legged .

  14. Gwyneth Paltrow Emmy Prep
    terry
    Commented on this photo:

    You aint lying. If she juts had a little more booty and some tits I’d be jacking off all over my laptop’s screen right now. But, no!

  15. Some guy

    Dear Gwenith,

    I was the guy in that seat and that wasn’t sweat. Enjoy your shiny new STD!

    Toodles,

    ~me

  16. SarahK

    wow, I just realized my antipsychotic meds prescription ran out, and since I’m an unemployed retard, I can’t get it refilled. At least I have this site to while away my day posting idiotic crap fawning over some moron actress I’ve never met. I’d go outside and do something productive, but I’ve gotten too fat to get out the door.

  17. Rocky

    She just needs a real man inside her

  18. MJB

    Will the real SarahK please stand up? Deranged fan or hopelessly unfunny wannabe comedian spoofing celebrity worship?

  19. SarahK's Soul

    Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is my zombie body trolling you guys? I can’t even peacefully burn in Hades for one minute. Frackin’ GOOP!

  20. How to succeed in roughing wihout really trying

    What are the possibilities that those blonde pubes are gooply coiffed?

  21. Freebie

    Love her Coach bag.

  22. SuperNews

    She is hot!

  23. Edgar Pethick-Lawrence

    I wonder if her friends call her Gwyneth ? Maybe they use a more familiar name like Gwyn? How weird it would be if everyone called you formally ?

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