Gwyneth Paltrow Wants To Be Jessica Simpson

February 19th, 2013 // 24 Comments
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If I had to guess the one person Gwyneth Paltrow wishes she could be, it’d be Beyonce but only if she gets to stay white. Turns out GOOP wishes she was the canned cheese-eating, constantly pregnant Jessica Simpson because she sits on a billion dollar fashion empire. Apparently you can’t just handpick those out of the organic pomegranate commune next to the lentil hut. I’m as shocked as you are. Us Weekly reports:

Gwyneth Paltrow is giving up showbiz for, well, business. A source says that after the 33 Dias actress wraps her next few films, she will focus on growing her lifestyle website, Goop, and the fitness company she co-owns with trainer Tracy Anderson.
Paltrow is hoping to emulate the career of another multitalented star: Jessica Simpson! “She admires Jessica’s empire,” the source says of the Academy Award winner, 40. “She wants to make a killing.”

“I suppose you’re all wondering what Gwyneth Paltrow, chef, actress, world class equestrian barista five years running, is doing back here in a Chili’s kitchen. Well, I’ve come to admire a certain Jessica Simpson who, to quote the text she sent me, ‘I just can’t git (Spelt with an ‘I,’ how colloquial.) nuff of their fixin’s.’ So here am I to see how one acquires said ‘fixin’s,’ and my word, here comes your delivery man now. No doubt with a truck stuffed to the brim with fresh, organic truffles and sundry breads warm from the baker’s touch- my God it’s frozen. It’s all frozen. And now he’s off to the Applebee’s across the street with the same boxes.. and Red Lobster. We must burn this place to the ground. We must burn it once! I AM YOUR QUEEN.”

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News


  1. Jessica Simpson multi-talented ?? BAHHHHHHHAAAA !!

  2. I’m thinking the logical first step is to hollow out Jessica Simpson and wear her fatty shell like Gwennie did the fat suit in that shit Shallow Hal movie.

  3. schmidtler

    I hope to hell GOOPY puts every cent she has, and borrows shit tons more, into her idiotic business venture trying to sell overpriced pretentious shit no sane person wants, all in sizes zero through 2, to a world full of trashy fatasses that hate GOOPY.

    • Bill


      Jessica is selling her MooMoos to a size 14 world. Gwyneth, yourshit doesn’t sell in the Walmart mongrols that pervade the South and Midwest.

    • You pretty much just described the entire high end fashion industry that is in fact extremely successful and has little trouble selling overpriced pretentious shit to people for billions of dollars, such as $100,000+ handbags.

  4. Cock Dr

    Because once you cut through all the organic pretentiousness she worships at the same alter as all the rest….the alter of MONEY.

  5. Jessica Simpson Cleavage Holding Daughter Mexican Restaurant
    Toe Jam
    Commented on this photo:

    She ate the Mariachi band.

  6. Frank Burns

    Y’all need to shutup with your Gwinny hatin’. She’s just like you and me! Her recipes at Goop are everyday fare for the American household, like her breakfast of Chia Seed Pudding, and who doesn’t like for laters a baked potato stuff with caviar, sour cream & chives? And Gwinny has some great ideas and how to do a cleanse and where to go in the Hamptons, just like all of us do every day.

    • Frank Burns

      * I’m not making those up, those are actual recipes at her site. If you weren’t such a pedestrian Joe Lunchbox you’d know that.

      • Hey-hey-hey…don’t you be calling me Joe Lunchbox. My title is “Johnny Lunchbucket.” Further more I’ll have you know that I am NOT a pedestrian. I drive almost everywhere I go, even downstairs to the laundry room. And to Bingo.

  7. If she’s aiming to build a lifestyle brand, maybe she should have done a little market research before going with the name ‘Goop,’ which, at best, makes me think of filthy garages. Also certain other fluids. My point is, not recipes.

  8. lok

    Gwyneth, the problem is that Jessica, a big, fat, stupid, redneck, is marketing to her kind – and the world, especially the south, is overloaded with big fat stupid rednecks.

    You can’t market to the narcissistic, skinny blonde privileged elite. By definition, they are an elite number, so your market is tiny.

    • If your shit is insanely expensive you don’t need to sell a lot of it. She can’t market to skinny blonde privileged elites, really? Have you never read a Vogue or GQ magazine? That is all they market to.

  9. Keith

    People used to Goop all over pictures of Jessica – 100 lbs ago. But Gwyneth, no one has every gooped all over you pic.

  10. Rob

    Paltrow just wants to get fat

  11. kong kardashian smash goopy and fat farty simpson.

  12. tlmck

    It doesn’t take any talent to sell product to morons.

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