Gwyneth Paltrow Wants To Be Jessica Simpson

The Superficial / February 19, 2013

If I had to guess the one person Gwyneth Paltrow wishes she could be, it’d be Beyonce but only if she gets to stay white. Turns out GOOP wishes she was the canned cheese-eating, constantly pregnant Jessica Simpson because she sits on a billion dollar fashion empire. Apparently you can’t just handpick those out of the organic pomegranate commune next to the lentil hut. I’m as shocked as you are. Us Weekly reports:

Gwyneth Paltrow is giving up showbiz for, well, business. A source says that after the 33 Dias actress wraps her next few films, she will focus on growing her lifestyle website, Goop, and the fitness company she co-owns with trainer Tracy Anderson.
Paltrow is hoping to emulate the career of another multitalented star: Jessica Simpson! “She admires Jessica’s empire,” the source says of the Academy Award winner, 40. “She wants to make a killing.”

“I suppose you’re all wondering what Gwyneth Paltrow, chef, actress, world class equestrian barista five years running, is doing back here in a Chili’s kitchen. Well, I’ve come to admire a certain Jessica Simpson who, to quote the text she sent me, ‘I just can’t git (Spelt with an ‘I,’ how colloquial.) nuff of their fixin’s.’ So here am I to see how one acquires said ‘fixin’s,’ and my word, here comes your delivery man now. No doubt with a truck stuffed to the brim with fresh, organic truffles and sundry breads warm from the baker’s touch- my God it’s frozen. It’s all frozen. And now he’s off to the Applebee’s across the street with the same boxes.. and Red Lobster. We must burn this place to the ground. We must burn it once! I AM YOUR QUEEN.”

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News